Fed up of analysing myself

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Boatsetsailrose

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Fed up of analysing myself
« on: November 14, 2015, 08:50:54 PM »
The Outer Critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self. It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals.   (Reference: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf)

Indeed ! And I'm fed up with it - I did a transformational breath workshop today and did some grief tears 'I'm fed up to the back teeth of this head'
I can see have made some good progress on inner critic but the outer is rife -
Being around anyone and bang there it is - I'm not willing to isolate myself anymore but I can't say I'm enjoying this either -
The worst part is then I feel shame and guilt for having these angry and perfectionist thoughts about people and so the cycle continues ....
It seems the next stage is to start working with the thoughts but right now -
I just feel fed up with having cptsd -
It's exhausting - hard work and boring -
But that's just today and know it will pass
For now I need to take a break ---
Am coming off anti dep too and that's rough ---

It's just crazy I feel like a bad person for having these very thoughts that are trying to protect me -
As if I've not had enough yrs feeling like a bad person -

Any support etc gladly received


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arpy1

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Re: Fed up of analysing myself
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2015, 10:10:24 PM »
Quote
I just feel fed up with having cptsd -
  oh yeah, i am so with you on that one, dear boatssr! i am feeling fed up with it too :doh:

i am sending you big  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:  and loads of support. 

p.s.   you are not bad, shameful, guilty or any of those horrible things your critic is trying to foist off on you. i know you know that but sometimes it helps to have someone say it in words.  you are not bad. you are strong and courageous and resourceful and honest. and you are getting better. remember how you felt this way when you first started tackling the inner critic? see how far you've come with that?  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:    now you are just starting with the outer, and it feels like a mountain...   

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tired

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Re: Fed up of analysing myself
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2015, 01:03:19 AM »
Outer critic- didn't know that. 

I think when things go well and you make real progress a part of you wants to rebel and causes those feelings. Ignore it. It means you're doing great and your anxiety about that is becoming clear but it's ok. 

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woodsgnome

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Re: Fed up of analysing myself
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2015, 03:43:05 AM »
Sometimes just shucking the labels helps. What if we didn't have names for all of this? Especially good/bad/progress, etc.

My people conundrum is similar to yours. I want more connection, and I try, but as you said: "Being around anyone and bang there it is - the outer critic again." Likewise, it scares me off, I critique myself and vow to be better, only to have the inner critic pile on, and the cycle repeats yet again.

But I wouldn't for a moment suggest throwing out all the info that can help. Just today I had the Walker book in hand. Per usual, I couldn't read much of it without wanting to just give up at the sheer amount of pain it conjures up, and the enormous work to find a way out. It's all so old.

I was about to shut the book when my eyes hit this gem in his "Toolbox 2/Human Bill of Rights":

#14..."I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive."

So I'll be back someday, working at playing or preferably, vice versa. Maybe I'll even forget the labels and just feel life again, whatever that is. Here's to the same for you... :hug:
« Last Edit: November 15, 2015, 04:18:33 AM by woodsgnome »

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Fed up of analysing myself
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2015, 08:07:58 PM »
Thank u all
Yes woods gnome :)
I get so overwhelmed I feel like I woke up age 42 with the defenses of a child - look around and go 'this world is scarey and so is this responsibility ... Overwhelm . Com

Quote p walker  ( thank god for him :) and u all ....
I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive '

Sometimes this even happens and when it does it's wonderful - living in this straight jacket and domineering head it happens much less than I'd like -
Mindfulness helps - and learning to enjoy the moment for its feeling rather than the sick minds take
My greatest times are in meditation when I get release - I do 30 mins each morning - and if I'm honest I'd like to spend my whole life in meditation ....
Nature is my friend 'our friend ...
I love doing art but it's always last on 'my list '
Working this recovery and 12 step working as a nurse and learning to drive and the time is limited even with a four day work week - but I remember that is society and its demands -
Maybe one day the universe will have me less busy ... ?
Letting go is a great gift and one the universe wants for us all I feel -
In that space everything is divine and right and perfectly formed -

Thanks all for being here -

'