How does your inner critic communicate with you?

[Butterfly]

Great topic! I didn't even know I had an ICr until cPTSD recovery then I heard it! Anytime I hear a negative judgement or feel demeaned I look inside to listen to what I'm telling myself. It's usually my own voice that's how much its internalized within me. Here's the thing, in real life I ignore such talk when someone talks to me about someone else so I now ignore such backbiting, slanderous, gossipy type talk about my own self from within my own self. It's like myself is talking bad about myself to myself and doesn't deserve my ear to listen.
 

[Rain]

Here's the thing, in real life I ignore such talk when someone talks to me about someone else so I now ignore such backbiting, slanderous, gossipy type talk about my own self from within my own self. It's like myself is talking bad about myself to myself and doesn't deserve my ear to listen.
 

I LOVE this, Butterfly!

[Butterfly]

 

[AndyT]

Excellent question and I have found that I have three states of mind that correspond with transactional analysis theory.

I have the broken inner child that must never be given the controls and when I spot that little boy I tend to find my anxiety levels rise and now that I can spot him try to select the 'Freeze' option until I can get one of the other states back in charge.

The second is parent mode, though I have no children, the cuddlers do not count, is quite firm with childish and bullying behaviours, it is where my ethical and social responsibility reside and I have many times relied on this state to take charge. It is also where my EQ works well and I am able to give emotional support. This is where I am at my best as it is very decisive once my adult has processed a least harm solution.

Third is my Adult self that interacts in a sequential and rational way, when in this mode I am able to sort the irrational thoughts but he does like to ruminate and likes a lot of information. It can take months to ruminate.

I have found my abusers hone in on the inner child. Maybe it is something that they do as after all they are 'Children pretending to be adults'. I think understanding which state is involved does help eradicate the abusers thoughts and suggestions.

[Kizzie]

Andy - do you feel as though your parts are separate or somewhat overlapping and work together as a team?  I ask because until recently I felt that my Inner Child was very separate and stayed hidden in a dark place inside unless triggered/provoked and then she would rise up in fear or anger.  It is only recently that she seems to be less separate and more a part of the "team" (of various other ego states). 

For example, she had some issues with someone at a support group and wanted to take a poke at him, but adult/parent me chatted with her and together  decided it would not be appropriate for her to take the floor.  It was the oddest sensation.  I suspect as I recover I will not feel/hear these parts having a convo, but that they will work together a little more quietly and seamlessly (integration).   

[AndyT]

Excellent question Kizzie,

I call them states rather than individuals all part of I guess the team, as the child part is definitely badly damaged he needs to be protected by the parent, if I am caught by surprise or triggered the child is the one that leaps out and that I have learnt to put direct into freeze mode until the adult and parent can decide what to do. When confronted as I was at the funeral I was incandescent with rage but managed somehow to hold it together long enough to cope but collapsed in distress later and that caused my adult and parent to confer and decide that a bigger parent authority figure was required to assert the solution as the NPD woman had clearly ignored my adult side and attacked the child.

My specialist remarked that she was amazed that I was able to work all this out under severe stress and not lash out. Mind I am told my eyes look like fire!

Yes that sounds about right your adult/parent teaching the child. BTW the creatures are for the inner child and the Dolphin is a child parent (She is in charge of looking after everything, but is only a trainee) and the Hedgehog the Child Adult and it is an outlet for the inner child and that makes the learning fun.

I find that when I am having a dystopian transaction the attack is always against the boy, they seem to be fearful of the parent especially.

[Sasha2727]

WOW all this stuff is great! I seem to view my parts as the " Karpmen DRama Triangle " I have a victim a persecutor and a rescuer. Sometimes I hear screaming at me and that's my persecutor, If I don't thought stop I will dissociate. The victim part tends to come with freeze or flight, so I only talk with her once I am already dissociated, that's actually how I know its happening. The rescuer my primary role is one I'm working on now, I am into empowerment models and all of these roles can become empowerment roles instead of old scripts. My rescuer is my " fight " and in the past that meant working long hours and fixing people. Now I'm working with turning the rescuer into the "couch " or "self champion " that Robert Bradford talks about. 

My inner child is very afraid and only recently just started to talk, she is quitter to me and is hiding, But I think she is gaining trust in me. I would be leery of me if I where her too because lord knows shes been exposed to some scary things.

[voicelessagony2]

I guess I'm still new to all of this. My IC does not speak to me in words, there is no voice at all. It's my own thoughts, my own feelings that are in control. For example, I have gained a few pounds over the last few years, which is my usual cycle: long term relationships make me "fat." I have not been going to the gym and I have been eating starchy, sugary snacks, so of course I'm not in great shape. But when I see the way the elastic in my pants makes a bunch of fat squeeze over the top, I am not thinking thoughts that can be put into words. I feel intense, overwhelming disgust and rage and desperation. There are no words, just empty promises to myself to start exercising, dieting, etc., which I will eventually start doing but it takes a perfect alignment of feelings and circumstances to launch such a lifestyle change. I have social phobia about going to the gym, old wounds from being bullied, teased and humiliated by other kids, coaches, and stepfather because I was unable to run fast or hit a ball.

Another example is my automatic de-valuation of my own creativity. Several years ago, a friend showed me how easy it is to make jewelry. I bought hundreds of dollars worth of tools and materials and had fun making it, at first. I even made little price tags for them, and had quite a collection of necklaces and earrings. But I never sold any. (maybe 1 or 2 items total, and I felt guilty for taking money for them) because the feeling I would get when trying to evaluate a piece would be overwhelming disappointment. Everything I made looked cheap to me, and just like, who would ever want this? I don't even wear any of it. I gave some away. Right now, there is one pair of earrings I still have and wear often, but the only reason I like them is because a neighbor girl I taught how to make jewelry came up with the design, and I copied her design exactly.

This is the same feeling that I can't even find words for that stops me from searching for and applying for jobs right now. This is why I'm unemployed for nearly a year.

How can I do "thought correction" therapy when I'm not fighting thoughts, but overwhelming feelings? These feelings tell me who I am, and they say I am nothing and have no value.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi voiceless, my ICr doesn't have a voice either. Like you said, it's not a separate entity at all; it's my own feelings and attitudes. What it most feels like is having been exposed to propaganda for decades and then having to unlearn all this so I can deprogram myself.

Some sights or situations now directly trigger negative feelings (like the ones you mentioned). So far, I've found that anything that helps me distance myself from this simple cause-effect system is helpful. Sometimes I'm able to uncover what precisely in my past has made me feel this way. Knowing that this-and-that abuse put this-and-that negative feeling into me doesn't fix anything, true. But it's making it easier to see that this isn't what the world is like. This isn't the truth. This is simply my subconscious lying to me. This is what someone else handed to me, what they did to me. This bad feeling isn't even mine, strictly speaking. It's theirs. Knowing that makes it possible to hand it right back to them, to reject their reasoning, and to decide that those people aren't trustworthy, I shouldn't believe a word they told me, let alone feel what they felt about me. I can reject it. I can hand it back. (And if it were THAT easy as I'm probably making it sound, I'd be a much happier woman.)

[voicelessagony2]

Hi voiceless, my ICr doesn't have a voice either. Like you said, it's not a separate entity at all; it's my own feelings and attitudes. What it most feels like is having been exposed to propaganda for decades and then having to unlearn all this so I can deprogram myself.

Yes, exactly! Deprogramming is exactly what we are trying to do... ugh... so much wish they made a pill for this...

Knowing that this-and-that abuse put this-and-that negative feeling into me doesn't fix anything, true.

Yeah, like I have no idea how I got so hung up on body image/appearance. My FOO was never critical of my appearance, and all my adult life I've had nothing but extremely positive feedback... I'm treated like an attractive person, and men always pay attention. The weird thing is, even though I like my reflection in the mirror when I do my makeup and hair, but every photo I have ever seen looks horrible, like elephant man horrible to me. The moment I step away from the mirror, the beauty stays there in the mirror. I cannot bring it with me.

So, I really have no clear connections between specific abuse or trauma, and a correlating hang-up. FOO was horribly neglectful, controlling with anger and threat and manipulation. I guess it's just left me with toxic shame that covers everything.

[Rrecovery]

Quote from VoicelessAgony2: "So, I really have no clear connections between specific abuse or trauma, and a correlating hang-up. FOO was horribly neglectful, controlling with anger and threat and manipulation. I guess it's just left me with toxic shame that covers everything."

My heart goes out to you and to all of us 

This was the type of abuse I suffered too.  Yes, the toxic shame covered everything.  I had an eating disorder for 20 years; it was such torture.

Before receiving and understanding the Cptsd diagnosis I felt like the only person who had been this hurt and "damaged" who had actually managed to recover from most of it.  It's like I'm this mostly whole person with a HELLISH history - both the HORRIBLE childhood, the HORRIBLE social rejection, and the EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and RELENTLESS recovery process.  I felt like a total anomaly.  But I'm not    Now I'm here, we're HERE and we're STRONG and we are REMARKABLE human beings - HEROS all 

[voicelessagony2]

Rrecovery, me too, I always felt like I was alone. No matter who I tried to talk to about this, responses always fall into one of two categories: either they could not identify at all, and didn't want to, or they competed with me, convinced that compared to THEIR childhood, I would feel soo much better about mine... (really? your dad yelled a lot? oh how horrible... )

but I don't feel much like a hero yet. I'm just beginning to see the recovery I need to do, as I was fooling myself all this time thinking I had put it all behind me.

[schrödinger's cat]

Yeah, like I have no idea how I got so hung up on body image/appearance. My FOO was never critical of my appearance, and all my adult life I've had nothing but extremely positive feedback...  So, I really have no clear connections between specific abuse or trauma, and a correlating hang-up. FOO was horribly neglectful, controlling with anger and threat and manipulation. I guess it's just left me with toxic shame that covers everything.

I have a theory about this. It might or might not be true. I have theories about lots of things, it's what I do instead of keeping pets: I keep theories. So take it with a pinch of salt. It might just be me reading too much into this, or (which is also likely) me being too bored for my own good. You'll know best if it's helpful or not. For what it's worth, here it is.

If there's an amount of abuse you can't just ignore, your brain will try to come up with a way to control it. A sense of control seems to be incredibly vital for our mental health. It's actually one of the things that decides whether or not a traumatic event causes PTSD: did you have some way of exerting control, yes/no? If you were: brilliant, you've got a very good chance of emerging unscathed. If your sense of control was taken from you: BAD, bad, very bad. People usually imagine that it's all about the traumatic event itself (like this: surgery is harmless, a holdup is middling, war is the worst, and you get traumatized accordingly). But from what I've read about PTSD, it's more about this level of control (or lack of it).

From what I read about PTSD, our minds can be extremely creative when it comes to providing us with a sense of control. Even Stockholm Syndrome starts out as a coping style - it lets victims have a sense of control. If people dump abuse all over you, your brain will frantically try to achieve control of the situation. It will try to find an explanation. Not finding reasons makes us feel helpless, overwhelmed, and disoriented. Your instinctive reflex is: protect yourself and make yourself feel safe by making yourself feel in control --> find a reason, then find solutions and coping strategies.

What happens if there are no reasons? What if you did nothing wrong, and your abuse came out of the blue, for no reasons you were able to ever understand?

And here's my theory: your mind will then latch on to anything that will even vaguely look like it could explain things. Any explanation feels safer than having none at all. Being totally in the dark as to why abuse keeps happening feels so overwhelmingly scary that your mind starts clutching at straws.

In my case, my family was always living under a cloud because my father was very gravely ill. My mother only said "he's ill", and since I was only a child, I thought that "ill" meant something like a flu, something harmless. She tried to protect us, so she kept the worst of it a secret and made things sound more harmless than they were. But I could see that she was scared, shocked, tense, grieving, and incredibly determined to find a cure no matter what the cost. So there was this discrepancy between the explanation I was given and the reality I observed. So when one day my mother told me that we were running out of money and had to switch on every light we didn't need and try to use only the water we really needed - my mind latched onto that. Finally an explanation! Finally something I could actually work on and control! I had hang-ups about money from that day on, and they're still there. They're so deep-seated it's unlikely I'll ever be rid of them.

So this might be just me. I mean, it would be highly bizarre if every one of us had the same patterns of CPTSD. And sometimes, issues do arise out of the blue and have no explanations.

[schrödinger's cat]

... I always felt like I was alone... either they could not identify at all, and didn't want to, or they competed with me, convinced that compared to THEIR childhood, I would feel soo much better about mine...

Did you also get those motivational stories of how someone they knew went through so much worse and it only made him stronger and he coped with it ever so well? 

[Whobuddy]

If there's an amount of abuse you can't just ignore, your brain will try to come up with a way to control it. A sense of control seems to be incredibly vital for our mental health. It's actually one of the things that decides whether or not a traumatic event causes PTSD: did you have some way of exerting control, yes/no? If you were: brilliant, you've got a very good chance of emerging unscathed. If your sense of control was taken from you: BAD, bad, very bad. People usually imagine that it's all about the traumatic event itself (like this: surgery is harmless, a holdup is middling, war is the worst, and you get traumatized accordingly). But from what I've read about PTSD, it's more about this level of control (or lack of it).

From what I read about PTSD, our minds can be extremely creative when it comes to providing us with a sense of control. Even Stockholm Syndrome starts out as a coping style - it lets victims have a sense of control. If people dump abuse all over you, your brain will frantically try to achieve control of the situation. It will try to find an explanation. Not finding reasons makes us feel helpless, overwhelmed, and disoriented. Your instinctive reflex is: protect yourself and make yourself feel safe by making yourself feel in control --> find a reason, then find solutions and coping strategies.

What happens if there are no reasons? What if you did nothing wrong, and your abuse came out of the blue, for no reasons you were able to ever understand?

And here's my theory: your mind will then latch on to anything that will even vaguely look like it could explain things. Any explanation feels safer than having none at all. Being totally in the dark as to why abuse keeps happening feels so overwhelmingly scary that your mind starts clutching at straws.

Your pet theory makes a lot of sense to me. It helps me to see connections that I didn't see before. Examples: money - something I can control. I hate to spend money. Sometimes I feel like just walking out of a store leaving behind a cart of groceries because I feel so out of control that I am being forced to spend my money on this stuff. Money should not have been a problem in my FOO. My parents had a good income. I could hear only bits of snarled words late at night as they argued about you guessed it: money. As a young child who felt unloved and unwanted, I thought that I needed to grow up and pay them back all the money they spent on me.