How does your inner critic communicate with you?

[Whobuddy]

My inner critic has an active life in my head because of the pattern in my childhood of getting punished for doing things wrong that I was never taught how to do correctly. I never actually remember making a conscious choice to do something wrong that I knew was wrong and I wanted to do it anyway. But I do remember getting in trouble out of the blue for things I thought were just fine.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hah - that's actually helped me realize why my own money hang-up got created. It's to do with being taken care of, isn't it? As kids and adolescents, we need this feeling that our parents provide a kind of base camp for us that we can always return to, a place where we'll get what we need - food and hugs and understanding and all that. So maybe if you feel like that already anyway, that you can't ever take it for granted that someone will take care of you, then you're almost predestined to "overreact" to anything that also makes you feel not-taken-care-of? Not sure...

And with body image issues, which I also have, there's this whole issue too: if I already feel unworthy, like I'm never going to be lovable enough, like I'm somehow wrong, then anything that tells me precisely in what ways I'm unworthy is going to hit extra hard?

...getting punished for doing things wrong that I was never taught how to do correctly. ... I do remember getting in trouble out of the blue for things I thought were just fine.

Whobuddy, that sounds crazy-making. My mother was often inconsistent, and it taught me that no matter what I do, no matter what my intentions are, the thing to keep in mind is: there'll always be someone more powerful than me and I'd best try to placate that person as best I can, even when I have no earthly idea on how to do that.     <--- like that, more or less.

[Rrecovery]

SC thank you for sharing your theory.  It helps me to understand the importance of the sense of control factor on a deeper level.  1: The Inner-critic is an attempt to change things by controlling ourselves - it keeps reminding us that bad things happen because we are not good enough.  2: Life itself is not controllable; it's best to relax and enjoy the ride - embrace the adventure.  But those of us with Cptsd "need" a sense of control - this puts us in a stressed-out "no-win" scenario that's difficult to extricate oneself from.

Perhaps this why Buddhism is especially appealing to me: it emphasizes acceptance of life and the present moment as it is.  Oh how I wish I could surrender completely, let go and stop wrestling with life - it's so exhausting.

[voicelessagony2]

Yeah, like I have no idea how I got so hung up on body image/appearance. My FOO was never critical of my appearance, and all my adult life I've had nothing but extremely positive feedback...  So, I really have no clear connections between specific abuse or trauma, and a correlating hang-up. FOO was horribly neglectful, controlling with anger and threat and manipulation. I guess it's just left me with toxic shame that covers everything.

And here's my theory: your mind will then latch on to anything that will even vaguely look like it could explain things. Any explanation feels safer than having none at all. Being totally in the dark as to why abuse keeps happening feels so overwhelmingly scary that your mind starts clutching at straws.

That makes a LOT of sense, cat. Looking back at my early childhood through this lens puts a new light on things I never connected before. Like, when I was too young to be left alone with scissors, I cut off my eyelashes on one eye. I remember cuz my mom freaked out... I had (still have) really long eyelashes, I remember people always making a fuss over them. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, there was no deliberate thought like, I'm doing this to spite her. I also remember watching her and my older cousin put on their makeup, and I got a hold of some markers and did my own "makeup"... LOL!

But you know, maybe that's a glimpse into the whole appearance aspect of my self-defense framework.

Did you also get those motivational stories of how someone they knew went through so much worse and it only made him stronger and he coped with it ever so well? 

OMG yes... which is why I just don't talk about personal stuff any more. With anyone.

My inner critic has an active life in my head because of the pattern in my childhood of getting punished for doing things wrong that I was never taught how to do correctly. I never actually remember making a conscious choice to do something wrong that I knew was wrong and I wanted to do it anyway. But I do remember getting in trouble out of the blue for things I thought were just fine.

Whobuddy, wow that happened to me too! My earliest memories are being terrified because my mom was super angry and punishing me and I had NO IDEA what I had done. One time she angrily washed out my mouth with soap, and made me sit in my room with the soap in my mouth, which sounds more like a harmless "Tom Sawyer" type moment, but it was traumatizing to me because I had no idea what I had said wrong. I remember crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

Oh how I wish I could surrender completely, let go and stop wrestling with life - it's so exhausting.

Me too, Rrecovery, me too. 

[Badmemories]

I have been the poster on here that did not feel that I had an inner critic. Then I dicided that perhaps I did but I have been unable to recognize it. Well, Yesterday during a whole melt down, I realized that My inner critic was a set of rules. Rules in My head that I follow to stay in control. rules so basic..
Bathroom rulesby My Husband.
1) put the seat up don't leave it down.
2) rinse out the sink perfectly
3) be sure and take the hair out of the drain when You take a bath. even if it is full of water! ( the drain needs a chemical to clean it out but H is to cheap to buy it.)He cleaned it all out and it was my hair! 
4)) don't hang You dirty towel on the hook. ( just used once on MY clean body) It is still clean isn't it?
5) be sure and wipe up ALL the drips on the floor.

So, I am going to look at RULER as MY inner Critic. Maybe I can see how many RULES that I follow.... I guess a good name for My inner critic is pharaoh.   
I do like to name the Inner critic and inner child,etc. I think It helps for ME to talk to them!  When I talk ot them they come out to play! When They come out to play then I found out more about what they are feeling..Then I learn what caused them to be in the first place.. Healing at it's finest!

Keeping on keeping on!    

[voicelessagony2]

I realized that My inner critic was a set of rules. Rules in My head that I follow to stay in control. rules so basic..
Bathroom rulesby My Husband.

What type of dynamic is at work here? Are you obeying your husband's rules to keep yourself safe from him? Or, do you feel bad about yourself if you break those rules, regardless if he even knows about it?

[Badmemories]

No mostly to keep Him from Raging. Yesterday he raged all day. I read someone on here say they married their mother.. Well that is certainly me! She had so many cleaning rules also that we had to do. She is also OCD?.

When he did finally sit down I talked to him with the SET method, and he settled right down.  Sometimes I am sure his responses are cPTSD.. but he has not recognized it. He seems to worship his MOM. Then I hear him talk about sexual abuse by older cousins, and he seems fine with it like it is normal!  I have not decided IF it is because he is male and that It is like a conquest to him... or IF he is just so in denial?

His mother is as wonderful MIL. She loves me to death. H had been NC for over 10 years when I found her name and called her. She did not know where he was for that time. He'd been addicted to Crack cocaine and was afraid of "stealing"  her things so he left as to NOT hurt her..He was over the drug when I met him, so I did not know about crack cocaine....period of his life. He always says "Mothers can do NO wrong! That seems almost like brainwashing to me. He was also used to His father and step mom going out on each other. His father even had a steady GF that he went to see everyday. His Mom even had the phone # to call his Dad if anything came up! 

Getting back to the subject though... I just realized that I had all these rules in MY head... and I had never thought of them as an Inner critic. So in essence I am following the rules that both My husband and Mother set for me...

Keep on Keeping on! 

[lonewolf]

Inner critic = assimilation. I've always been keenly interested in the borg (star trek voyager). It is a good metaphor to contemplate how I shifted from hearing my own voice to hearing the COLLECTIVE voice of my family telling me how bad and messed up I supposedly was/am.

Just recently my brother agreed when his partner called me a whack job. It really stung. But oddly, when it was said, I also felt my inner critic/collective nodding its head vehemently in agreement. Therein lies the pattern. I was assimilated into my family dysfunction (and their perception of me) even though it wasn't originally my choice to be any part of it. Now, like 7 of 9, I am trying desperately to separate myself from (or to find my own way out of) this messed up collective.

The inner critic I hear is a collective voice, not just my own. It's an interesting re-frame (recognition). I'll see where it takes me. Thanks for inspiring me to think about this on a deeper level.

Edited to add: I wonder if this is an experience shared by other scapegoats in the family? Very curious about this.

[C.]

Yes.  It is.  What about the covert version, like two people collectively saying "I believe in you" while body language and behavior say "I don't think you can do that"...I'm seeing folded arms, a word bubble and an opposite thought bubble...I think I need to learn to trust my perception about the thought bubble.  It's based on body language and behavior.  This is about meaning, not the packaging...

[rtfm]

This is a very thought-provoking thread.  Like voicelessagony2, my inner critic (I guess?) isn't words, it's self-loathing feelings but it feels like my dad. Maybe because I'm so terrified of it because it hates me so much.  It was actually my mom who hated me, but I was terrified of my dad.  My mom was predictably nasty pretty much all the time.  My dad was totally unpredictable, so maybe just scarier on the whole. Inconsistent behavior wires our brains more strongly than consistent, they say.

But schrodinger, your theory about needing to make some kind of sense in a way that gave me some kind of control really resonated.  Of course I couldn't mind-read. *, as a young kid I couldn't even make any kind of guess as to what two adults might have to scream at each other about. But I learned that somehow, it was my fault, and I learned that because they had no problem blaming me for whatever they were screaming about.  I learned that I shouldn't exist, and of course I had to make up some kind of story - some kind of thing that I could control - that explained why that was.  I latched onto the one thing that could get a positive response from them with some regularity, and began to believe that I didn't deserve to exist unless I was perfect at that thing....and since it's not possible, I just internalized the loathing and failure.  To lonewolf's point - yeah, I assimilated into my part of their dysfunction.  The truth is, they were horrible people and it had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

*sigh* It makes a lot of sense, and feels really true. I just wish that the sensemaking could make the horrible feelings go away. :\   Peace to us all and hugs.

[voicelessagony2]

... Maybe because I'm so terrified of it because it hates me so much. 

Yeah, exactly... it is like an "it" inside me that hates me and tortures me. "It" sometimes manifests as migraine, and I have never met anyone who could understand that the pain seems to be a sadistic sentient being with a cattle prod poking the pain receptors in my head.

... I just wish that the sensemaking could make the horrible feelings go away. :\   Peace to us all and hugs.

I wonder if you're like me... I love technology and learning, which is probably a direct result of the overactive part of my brain that insists on making sense of everything.

Ironically, I seem to (eventually) be able to make sense of the most challenging technical mysteries, but there is no amount of intellect that can defeat that inner sadist that refuses to communicate in any way but pain.

[Kizzie]

The last dust up with my NPDM before I went LC with her ended with me yelling "I am not bad. In fact I am a really good person!" And I felt it (that I was a good person), right down to my toes. And that lead me to a BIG thought:

They . were . wrong.   

So if they were wrong about me so that meant my ICr was wrong!

[Boatsetsailrose]

I am realising just how much I relate a lot
Of the outside ie people to my inner critic - and self analysis of being a bad person - also how much my hyper vigilance of others to look for clues that they don't like me - add that to my outer critic and wooh its critic red alert

I am finding I am just so wildly sensitive I almost question everything about my existence - radar to see where I'm wrong / I can def see what is meant by cptsd - there is a war going on both inside and outside generated by my head - stressed such a lot of the time

Today I said to myself 'I'm not a bad person ' and the sense of relief was so good

It's quite a place to be seeing this stuff / being able to put it in a framework and to realise it's untruth - so I relate whilst it's not anywhere near schizophrenia it however sure is a mental health problem

Feel a bit fed up today with this 'complex condition ' but still have lots of hope so that is good

[Kizzie]

Here's to hope and a better day tomorrow Boats 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you Kizzie it's been full on today -
In bed at 19.00  -