Thanks VF. They were tears I needed to shed. More of an opening to a bigger flood than I've experienced in a while. I cried in front of my son which I haven't done in many months. It's been a rough week for me. A few extra stresses added to my plate. But I've been pro-active, seeking out help from my T and my doc. And here. Your words were reassuring and eye-opening.
In my situation my father was verbally abusive until I was 19 y.o., then he stopped for good, but switched to sometimes (maybe once per year? or during a period of grief or family drama) "confiding" in me about his own emotions which has been uncomfortable in a different way. My mom stood silently by during those times in my childhood.
In her own right, my mom was also fakely attentive. She'd act like she heard or was trying to help me w/emotions but it was always really about her. I was too young to understand that at the time.
And I have memories of my parents "ganging up" on me when I'd lash out at my brother, simultaneously insulting me.
I think what's hard in my situation is the consistent inconsistency. Like the rat that sometimes gets the cheese keeps going back. I sometimes felt like I was getting a need met (even within the past few weeks) so I'd let my guard down a little and hope, but then the truth would loom up as my parents individually or together show the true agenda to take from me emotionally. How do you get mad at sometimes? Just when I flare up, they come back with a different mask.
My ex was the same way, consistently inconsistent.
I realized today that the only way my parents way of relating would be appropriate would be if I were their parent, and they were my child. Now, if I'd had good enough parenting and the tables started to change in their old age it would be ok. But I didn't, it's simply a continuation of the pattern of forever, probably since at age 3 I became the one expected to be the confidant and emotional caretaker of my parents. There for their agenda and to make them happy.
As for my kids, I am a lioness. My first reason to divorce was for my children's well being. I saw the emotional incest w/my daughter, his neglect of our son and I knew that as long as we were together it would continue and I could not support someone harming my children. So I left. I put myself in the rawest, most painful place of abandonment in order to protect my children. I think that my tears are a newly awakened compassion for myself. And respect for my decision. I willingly sacrificed my security for their well being. I will never regret that decision.
Finally I'd like to say that for me this week the awareness about my history of "aggression" regards my children and self-compassion has been my lesson. It's bittersweet how life provides what I need at the time if I keep my eyes and heart open.