Inpatient treatment

[Roadie]

Hello.  I just joined the forum recently and haven't really posted much.  Does anyone have experience with inpatient treatment they might be willing to share?  I am going to check myself in this week.  I am at the breaking point, totally checked out mentally, running on auto pilot to function at minimum levels. One of my health care providers helped me make the decision today that's it's time to check in.  It's just very scary as an adult. I have a business and a family that needs me very much.  Twice when I was a teenager I was inpatient, both times for six weeks.  I have been there, it's been 25 years though.  Things are surely different.

Thanks for reading.

[Kizzie]

Hi Roadie - I don't have any experience with inpatient treatment but just wanted to say I hope that you will find the good care, support, rest and recovery there that you need.     We'll be here when you get back. 

[Roadie]

Thank you both for your responses.  Last night I spoke with my husband about all of this, and he is very supportive but I think he's about to get an education, because even though we've been together for over 20 years, he doesn't really know what depression is.  We have decided to wait to break the news to our boys until they get home from school and activities tomorrow when I will already be checked in.  One of them has a big final, the other his final track meet...just seems like the right thing. 

There will be a fallout that I will have to return to and somehow clean up...hopefully they teach me some life management skills.  I used to have it pretty together, but it's fallen apart in the last 7 years and it has now reached this point, like going to clean up after an earthquake with a vacuum cleaner.  That's what happens when you run on 100% survival mode for way too long, I suppose. 

Today I am getting my things ready and tying up loose ends, and tomorrow morning I will go and check in. 


Thank you again for your responses.  It is nice knowing that there are people out there who understand. 

[Roadie]

Oh!  And thanks for the song lyrics to ponder.

[Kizzie]

HI roadie - As I was reading your post, I thought of something Anais Nin wrote that may be another way of looking at things:

And the day came when the risk to remain closed tightly as a bud became more painful than the pain it took to blossom

Last year I had a break down about this time of year actually and I finally had to go for help. I was in too much pain, depressed, having big panic attacks, drinking heavily, and I crashed. I see that now as my real self crying out for help so loudly and painfully that I finally had to face the pain of blossoming (although at the time I would haven't described it as blossoming).  A year later I am back to work, I am not drinking or suffering from panic attacks or depression like I was, and I have made a lot of progress in recovery - I feel like I am beginning to blossom, to uncurl from that tight little spot I help myself in for so long.

I hope you can take heart from my experience.  What you're facing is so very difficult I know and so hard to see anything positive, but it may finally help you to deal with the CPTSD, begin to recover and even blossom.   

     

[Roadie]

Thank you so much.  So much in that quote.  A timely reminder!  Yeah, it's time.  I don't have the luxury of trying to get through this myself anymore-and it's either live or die.  So in the morning I roll.

What do you think about how much to share with the kids?  They are 14 and 17.  They will know I'm gone, but I do not want them to worry about me.  And they will.

[Kizzie]

I'm with BeHealthy - your kids are likely able to handle the truth better than you might think.  In being open and honest with them you are showing them respect, and by taking action to help yourself you serve as a role model of self-care - all good to balance out any anxiety they may have I suspect.

[Jdog]

High school teacher weighing in here - I definitely agree with BH and Kizzie.  They will be ok, and truth is a very honoring and respectful way of communicating with the boys.

Best wishes, and know that your online community supports you fully as you bravely face your demons.

[Roadie]

Thanks again, to Kizzie, BeHea1thy and Jdog for the down-to-earth advice.  That kind of calm and matter-of-fact speak is helpful right now.  I appreciate the input on how to approach this with the boys, and I will have a candid conversation with them.  They are aware that I have issues that need attention, that the state I am in is not the real me, and they are fully cognizant of the fact that my mother is an abusive person.  I hope that my actions are setting a positive example for them, one of taking control and caring for myself. 

Getting my things together now and praying myself to (hopefully) sleep.  I will check back in when I come home.  Thank you again.

[mourningdove]

Hi Roadie,

I have mixed feelings about telling you the following, but if it were me, I would want to know both sides. (And please keep in mind that hospitals vary a great deal.)

I have not been inpatient, but I have been in intensive outpatient (somewhat like inpatient, but you go home in the afternoon) and I have had many friends who were inpatient. So based on that:

-It is extremely likely that you will be pressured to take psychiatric drugs.
-It is possible that if you change your mind and want to leave, they will not let you. (This happened to a loved one who went inpatient voluntarily.)
-The hospitalization will always be in your medical records. While not as much of a potential liability as involuntary inpatient, this is something to consider.
-It is possible that no one in the hospital will want to talk about trauma.

*Note: ECT (shock treatment) is also on offer in many hospitals and sometimes suggested as a "safe" alternative to psychiatric drugs. This is not true. It causes memory loss and other problems.

Strictly my experience:

- "med management classes"
- "understanding our illness classes"
- many other "classes" of stuff I can't remember because it was worthless
- coloring while a social worker played with her iphone
- totally unhelpful group therapy where the facilitators would intentionally trigger patients
- check in with psychiatrist
- 0 talk of trauma in any fashion (except in spontaneous moments between patients)

I hope you get the help you are hoping for if you go in, but knowing what I do, I couldn't be silent about the less favorable possibilities.

I wish you the best and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[C.]

Without going in to detail I just want to say yes, I did, and I had a very healing, great experience.  I'd hit rock bottom and got the much needed direct care I'd needed for years. 

The only mistake I made was that I'd worked around the "profession" of counseling and I thought that you had to do something extreme to be hospitalized.  I didn't know that it was a voluntary option.  If I'd known I'd have checked myself in sooner rather than trigger a crisis that lead me there.

I think it depends a bit on who happens to be hospitalized at the time, the nurses, the counselors, the doctors, the food, etc.

My best to you on this decision.  I hope that it's what you need and more.  Let us know how things go if you'd like.  Thank you for posting here and inspiring this conversation.

[neenonee]

Roadie, are you back home? How did things go?

[Roadie]

Hello!  I am back home.  I spent eight days in the hospital.  The first night and morning were really nerve-wracking, mostly due to the life-altering decision I had just made, and the element of the unexpected.  I am so glad that I went.  At the time I went to the ER to check myself in, there were two patients and only one bed available, and after spending four hours in triage, they gave me the bed. 

In those eight days, they adjusted my meds, there were many opportunities for life skills and coping skills, lots of one-on-one talks and attention from staff, etc.  Even art therapy.  It was a great experience and I am so glad I took the leap.  I was diagnosed with OCD on top of the existing dx of major depression, anxiety and panic disorders. I figured I had OCD because of some of my mental habits.   

Shock therapy was never even mentioned.

The only thing that bothered me was that the psychiatrist for the inpatients told me that I could not possibly have PTSD unless I had been in a war, accident, etc.  He had no concept of chronic abuse causing PTSD.  The nurses on staff told me that I should take him with a grain of salt and that I DID absolutely have PTSD. 

[mourningdove]

Hi Roadie,

I'm glad you found the hospital helpful and I'm sorry if the dire warning I gave was unsettling, but I've seen first hand that hospitals really vary in quality and I didn't want you to be unprepared if you got a not so nice one. The invalidating psychiatrist you experienced is really just the tip of the iceberg of what's out there. Sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm  glad the nurses had some sense.

Welcome back! 

[Roadie]

Thank you!  I was triggered by the nurse who checked me in my first night/morning there.  She was not cut out for a career in mental health...she was rude and invalidating.  When I told her about how my thoughts go round and round, she asked if I had ever just considered letting it go.  UGH.  Thankfully, that was the only time I had her as my nurse.  The rest were amazing.