Rejecting presents/gifts?

[littlepalm]

Hi-

I do not know what this type of behaviot would be named , and I wonder if anyone else experiences it.?.

It is difficult for me to accept presents/gifts. I am always looking for a hidden agenda from the giver...OR when will this kind gesture be thrown back into my face...I am at the point I open gifts, ask that they be returned & let the people keep the money/credir card...Or of that is not an option, the item sits, unused. Even the obtaining of a cell phone w/ my BF is an issue. He wanted to upgrade the phones on his plan, that he pays for, for months I have wanted the new iPhone,we go to the store, I cannot decide, and then I say I do not want a phone. Any phone-->which he pays for.I feel he will throw it up in my face that he is paying the monthly fee (I am not working now)...Will he really? Maybe, maybe not. Have I "earned" the phone by helping him do things? Several times over. This issue has caused too much anxiety, energy, effort.

Do I act this way because "things from my childhood were thrown at me" to deflect the truth? The neglect? The emotional abuse? Sometimes I go to the extreme end of bring my own toilet paper & beverages. I guess I think someone is always keeping a giant score card on me....This is not a healthy way to act.

Any thoughts? 

[hypervigilante]

Hello littlepalm,

I definitely recognize what you're experiencing! I, too, have had difficulty receiving gifts.  But also just... anything, really. Like bringing your own toilet paper kinda level of independence.

When I started to identify my issues with receiving gifts, I recognized it as an issue I have with dependence.  My M and I have a reversed relationship and she's a very needy woman; I rejected seeming like her in any form so much so that I pushed myself too far in the other direction for a spell.  For some reason, accepting things seemed weak.  And contributing allowed my to overcompensate for my feelings of worthlessness.  It also helped that in my goal to never let anyone in.  If I didn't depend on them for a small favor, it could never become harmful if they're not around. Right? 

What was most stunning to me, though, was my experience with friends as I began to participate in two-way relationships.  You know, give a little, take a little. As it turns out... the only people who really don't mind taking taking taking all the time without giving aren't the best friends I could have been around.  Things have changed due to some really sweet friends in my life recognizing my behavior and speaking up about it. My college roommate explained to me that sometimes she does things because she's my friend, that it was insulting to do things like over-pay her back because then it makes her feel like we weren't friends and that she was doing some sort of favor instead of looking out for each other, as she felt we always did.

As I practiced two-way relationships with others, however, I wound up having to mourn some disappointing losses.

I do recognize the settling score fears as well.  It's really tough, I have definitely felt it but I'd have to think for a while about what I've ever done to soothe myself of that fear.  I hope it helps to know that this is definitely something that I, too, have felt and have done -- and been approached about!  It does stem from the fact that protecting ourselves of hurt, and distrusting others, etc. are learned behaviors that came into play when we were very, very young and have taken with us possibly too long into our development.  They were helpful when we needed them, but learning to let them go seems like the hardest part.