Trouble with Random Emotional Moments

[hypervigilante]

Hello Community,

I could use some help with this one.

My primal mode of handling when I was younger was to shut everything out, which I'm sure many people here can relate to.  Anything negative seeming, feeling, smelling, or sounding, I'd replace with something positive promptly and stuff those feelings deep, deep down.  When I was a kid, I felt proud of my positivity with no regard for what I was doing to my feelings while they navigated negative forces.

This was such a triggered reaction that when studies became much more intense in high school, and I had learning difficulties.  I went to a psychoneurologist who diagnosed me ADD and prescribed me medication.  While I was able to focus through a task, my come-downs were absolutely horrifying.  I had severe, inescapable EFs and a staggering support system that would topple at the notice of my crying spells.  I switched medications to something more controllable.  This helped for a while, but I realized that when I couldn't switch my brain off so easily, I had a lot of dark history to delve into.

I refer to that time as a very dark time and would feel depression coming along and fight it aggressively and hatefully.  Because I didn't want to see myself in the state I had been during that time. 

Many years, 2 wonderful Ts, and a C-PTSD diagnosis later, I am more resolute than ever to recover in healthy ways.

Recently I have been working on remembering lots of my pain and trying to allow the opportunity to mourn.  I want to be patient and handle the emotions as they well up, and talk to my IC and figure out what it is that frightens her, maddens her, etc.  I set aside time each evening to work on this and to stay open-minded, but she instead cries out to me in the middle of the day.  When I'm on public transit, in the middle of a task at work, or other vulnerable tasks where I can't reach her.  I feel guilty for not being there for my IC because I'm trying to encourage this growth, but the line of work I am in does not allow for me to leave for a 15 minute bathroom break.  I'm an independent contractor, so every minute I'm called into work I'm working, and each job is like an interview for the next one.

How can I balance the scales between wanting to be there for my IC and having emotional disruptions and random crying spells in my daily life where it's not safe to do so?

Anyone ever experience this or have advice they can give/have taken/have needed/heard?

[Kizzie]

Perhaps she's popping up when you're busy because you're not as available in those moments and she needs reassurance?  Maybe you can just tell her in your head that you are there for her, love her  and that you and she will talk once you're not busy, and maybe do something fun.

Hope this helps.

[hypervigilante]

I love this approach, Kizzie! I'm going to employ this and let you know how it progresses.