Finally Started Therapy

[Ladybug]

I've been absent from the forum for awhile. Yesterday I had my third weekly therapy session. I've cried during all of them but yesterday I felt the most pain. What I want to know is, therapy is supposed to help us feel better, and I suppose with time it will, but after each session I've felt temporarily worse. After yesterday's session I felt really bad and still do today - I've been in bed all day long and haven't eaten much. Is this normal? When will the therapy make me feel better? I'm wondering if we did "too much" in yesterday's session. My next session is in 3 days (less that a week due to my T's schedule), and I'm already dreading it. It would be easier if I had a better support system I think. I have no family support. And friends just don't seem to understand enough. This is just so hard.

[Ladybug]

What happened yesterday in therapy is 1) I connected with the scared, alone little girl inside of me. I started crying how unfair it is that she was/is alone and why didn't anyone help her? 2) I told my T how I used to get picked on for being "too skinny". Kids were always coming up and asking me why I was so skinny. My T said "why were you so skinny?" And I said that my mom was the same way as a kid (she also suffered abuse) and I had two tall, thin parents. My T said that I was skinny because I wasn't getting enough emotionally; wasn't being nurtured. This is a big deal to me and has made me even more angry at my mother, because being underweight caused me lots of emotional pain from being teased and having low self esteem because I was so embarrassed that I looked "different". I'm so mad. I also need to discuss with her a way of getting this anger out safely and constructively. Suggestions?

Oh, I also cried because my T is so kind to me and I'm not used to having people be that kind. I want that kindness from my family but I will never get it from them. I have a boyfriend and friends but their kindness isn't the same I suppose.

I'm 32 years old and wondering if I will ever be able to thrive instead of just survive. I am so unhappy with my life, and feel like I am stuck until the therapy works enough to unstick me. I do t want to live like this forever.

[Dutch Uncle]

Oh, I also cried because my T is so kind to me and I'm not used to having people be that kind. I want that kindness from my family but I will never get it from them. I have a boyfriend and friends but their kindness isn't the same I suppose.

It's great to hear your T is so kind to you!
That your boyfriend and friends show you a different kindness is OK, no?
Great you have found an additional source of kindness with your T.

I'm 32 years old and wondering if I will ever be able to thrive instead of just survive. I am so unhappy with my life, and feel like I am stuck until the therapy works enough to unstick me. I do t want to live like this forever.

Hang in there, therapy takes time. You've made it this far, you'll definitely get further!

I felt really bad and still do today - I've been in bed all day long and haven't eaten much. Is this normal?

Do eat as much as you can and like. Eat stuff you like, never mind what. Whatever you eat, it's always more nutritious then not eating.
I know one thing, therapy is demanding and a drain on your resources. Be kind to yourself and replenish those recourses in the most pleasant way you can think of.
A personal favorite of mine: let the sun feed me with vitamin D! Go out if you can and/or dare.

Take care!
Hysperger.

[Ladybug]

@Hypersger

My friends and boyfriend are nice, but I don't feel fully supported by them when it comes to my therapy. My boyfriend doesn't think that therapy works because it hasn't for him, so the most he really does is just not say anything negative, which doesn't feel like full support to me. I just don't feel like anyone understands unless they've been through it, which is true for most things I suppose.

I come here for support, so I really appreciate your replies.

[Dutch Uncle]

I just don't feel like anyone understands unless they've been through it, which is true for most things I suppose.

I know the feeling. It's hard.
At some point in my quest for understanding, I picked up this line from a self-help site (on self-compassion):
"[you can find self-compassion in the] Shared human experience. We often feel isolated as part of suffering and imagine that no one else could understand or sympathize with our pain. In truth, everyone suffers in similar ways."
To elaborate on this: Right now on this planet, there are many people who go through what you (I) are going through. Since time-immemorial people have been going through what you (I) are going through. And (unfortunately) in the future there will be many people who will go through what you (I) are now going through.
You are not alone, even if you don't know any of these people personally.

It did make me feel less isolated. And I still remind myself of it in those moments I feel utterly isolated, despite having a great support network of very dear friends, and it helps me.

A mantra that was suggested I still use to this day when things get tough:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.

I come here for support, so I really appreciate your replies.

This site (and its twin OOTF), which I only discovered a few days ago, seem to fit the bill for support I need besides my friends and my therapist.

[Kizzie]

Hi Ladybug and welcome back.   

I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough go of it    Feeling pain may mean that you're moving away from numbing yourself or dissociating (i.e.,, that you are ready to deal with the trauma). Or as you say you may be going too quickly, that you are having an Emotional Flashback and perhaps need to slow down. In either case it's best to talk with your T and decide together what's best for you. You may not feel dread about going if you know your wishes will be respected.

As Hysperger suggests, it does help many of us to feel less isolated and more validated and supported by coming here so keep on posting 

 

[Widdiful Falling]

Hey, how are you?

I think that you should talk about this with your therapist. You're really brave for going to therapy when you don't feel like it. I hope that further sessions bring you peace eventually.

I definitely understand where you're coming from as far as not believing anyone understands. That was the mantra of my life for a while. But when I started to let people in, to let them know how I actually felt, I realized that, even if they didn't understand completely, they could still offer support and peace. In fact, I don't want anyone to completely understand what I've been through, because I love everyone on some level, and I don't want them to have to go through that sort of pain.

What hysperger said also rings true with me. When I felt suffering, I always assumed it was because I was inadequate. But if I were faced with someone who went through the same things I did, I wouldn't try to make them feel inadequate for being in pain. I would try my best to ease their pain. I would let them know that the dark doesn't last forever, that even in the happiest moments there is still sorrow, and vice versa. Posting on this site, and practicing this kind of compassion for others, helps me know what to say to myself when I'm feeling down.

I've been really big on the whole self-care thing lately, because I think that it serves as a really important reminder that even though we're suffering, there are moments of joy. Eating what you like, and when you'd like it is a good way to get started. Maybe, when you're stuck in bed like that, instead of bullying yourself about it, try to make your stay in bed more enjoyable. Accept the fact that you're going to be in bed today, and make the most out of it. A big part of connecting with the child inside you is figuring out what she likes to do to have fun.

Wishing you all the best as you go through tough times. 

[Ladybug]

Thank you all for your replies. Widdiful:  thank you for the "brave" compliment! I am brave. We all are, really - but boy does it feel nice to have it be recognized.

I went back to therapy today - 4th session. My T didn't think we did too much last week, just that we did something, which is what I'm there to do. Today was.....fun? No, it was painful yet rewarding. POSSIBLE TRIGGER ALERT *****She gave me a pillow in a case and I got to stand up and imagine my mother in the chair and scream about how mad I was at her and why I was mad and whack the chair with the pillow. And cried and cried and cried.******

I'm exhausted. Feel like I left a workout at the gym. I think progress was made.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Widdiful Falling]

I'm happy for you! I'm glad you feel like you're getting somewhere. There are hills and valleys in any learning experience. Sometimes, you don't feel like you're making progress, but you always are. Keep it up!

[woodsgnome]

Kudos to you, and your therapist for sensing the anger and the need to incorporate it into your therapy, whatever/wherever it leads. It takes a lot of courage to plunge into that area, but having a safe therapist to be there while you explore is a good sign. The T can guide, but it's your journey, and in this instance it sounds like you made an important step, albeit one filled with exhaustive mental/emotional/physical stretching.

I had a similar type of event in a group I was part of, once, but it went sadly awry, and I ended up being angry at myself, the very last thing I needed; suffice to say the group dynamic itself became confrontational, and the leader (not really a therapist) didn't handle the situation smoothly--she was nice in many areas but not geared to cptsd sensitivities at all. Or so it seemed.

So it's nice to hear your experience, albeit challenging, turned out in a fashion that bodes well. So--good for you! May you be able to build on that.