Mother's Day Issues of an entirely different sort - possible trigger

  • 5 Replies
  • 1438 Views
*

Jdog

  • Member
  • 1003
    • View Profile
My Mother, with whom I had a good relationship, passed away on Mother's Day weekend 3 years ago.  She had several very debilitating strokes and I really had not had the true "her" for 8 plus years prior to her death.  Relationships are not ever easy - I discovered that I am  a codependent and have Cptsd follwing her death - but despite the unhealthy aspects of my growing up, I continue to miss her (at least the pre-stroked out version) and continue to grieve.  All of the commercialism around Mothers Day really hurts for me - a constant reminder of my loss - and I cannot wait for it to end.

This year, my wife and I are going to one of our favorite scenic places for the whole weekend.  It's not as if I will not be reminded of Mothers Day while away, but the beauty of the surroundings may ease the pain a bit.  So, I am at least making an attempt to take care of myself.

Here's a shoutout to any and all of you "Motherless Children" out there - whether due to circumstances beyond your control or because it is the choice you have had to make in order to heal.  Either way, the images of "picture perfect" families are jarring and can bring a sense of loss.

*

Sandals

  • Member
  • 204
  • Self love | Self acceptance
    • View Profile
:hug: Mother's Day truly is a Hallmark holiday, isn't it? Other holidays, like Christmas, Easter, even Valentine's day have a bit of varying shades to them, but Mother's Day seems like it needs to celebrate a certain type of relationship that is predicted on something not even within our power.

I say, * Mother's Day. I'm not going to hide from it or feel badly for not having that Hallmark life. As a mom, it is a joy and delight every day to celebrate my kids...even when they remind me of my own imperfections. Maybe especially when they remind me of that. I feel more alive around them. But I am more than happy to toss that day in the garbage and just celebrate whenever I want. And as for my own mom, I would do the same for her if the relationship was there. But it's not, and that doesn't change based on one day of the year.

I'm freeing myself from the expectations of the messed-up society we live in. And I couldn't be happier about it.

*

Jdog

  • Member
  • 1003
    • View Profile
Hi Sandals-

I agree that we don't need to live our lives by society's messed up rules (as a married lesbian I have bucked plenty traditional roles) and appreciate your point of view about Hallmark Holidays.  I had a crappy relationship with my Father and have never cared a fig about Father's Day low these many years since he has been deceased.  However, the tender spot for me around Mother's Day simply has to with the fresh memory of her passing on that day and of the sad decline I witnessed her  travel through for  8 long years.  I will put on my big girl pants for sure and am grateful to be healing in a way I never could while she was living.

But at this moment, the ache for her is still present.  As I learn to be my own parent more fully (and more competently than my parents could) the ache will surely ease.  I look forward to that!

Thanks for writing your truth.

*

Sandals

  • Member
  • 204
  • Self love | Self acceptance
    • View Profile
Oh, I'm so sorry if my comment was off base, Jdog. I can see why it would bring about that ache. : hug:

I hope you're able to find your peace with the day and celebrate the good memories you have.

*

Jdog

  • Member
  • 1003
    • View Profile
Thanks a bunch, Sandals.  I didn't think you were trying to rub salt but needed to stand up for the little kid inside of me and sorry if I seemed overly defensive.  Mom had problems but was so very loving to all around her (perhaps to a fault sometimes).  My nurturing qualities come entirely from her, and that is a true blessing.  So, I guess she does live on inside of me. 

Thanks again for both your own truth and for realizing where I was coming from.

Blessings-
JDog

*

Sandals

  • Member
  • 204
  • Self love | Self acceptance
    • View Profile
No, no, you weren't overly defensive at all. I'm so glad you stopped and clarified. :hug: