My recovery journal

[Compassion_accountable]

So this past year has been very....informative. I've discovered personality disorders and cptsd. I have strengthened some relationships and have gone nc with others. It's been hard but I'm starting to see the rewards of not being pulled by PDs. My cptsd symptoms are much worse when the PDs start closing in. When the PDs are leaving me alone It's like a huge weight lifts up and things are much easier. I know I'm describing depression and may be depression fits in with cptsd. I think in my case the depression is a symptom of cptsd as I can see a difference in it with who is pulling me which way. I hope that makes sense. Either way I'm doing better and the difference is that I have out up boundaries for my PDs so they can't run my life for me. Very liberating.

[Kizzie]

It really is liberating isn't it CA?!  Boundaries and disengagement give us that emotional breathing space we need that dealing with someone with a PD fills to bursting. I know when I went LC and NC I felt a huge sense of relief, like I'd been holding my breath and was waiting to exhale.  My days are not run by fear or anxiety about what my PD FOO will get up to anymore, I can breath and feel and think more clearly now. When I was around them I was always depressed (and no wonder), and I think that's what you're describing, that when you're not around them it feels like a huge weight lifting. 

So glad to hear you're doing better 

[keepfighting]

Hi, Survivor,

what a great idea to keep a journal of some kind on your recovery! I like it a lot! It makes every step you've taken so much more real.

Kudos to you!

kf

[Compassion_accountable]

Well thanks but I can't really take the credit. I've spent the past year posting over at ootf. I'm starting the journal more or less because I'm starting to realize the depth of harm that pd has caused in my life. Not just from my foo but my H's as well. I'm re-establishing myself as my daughters mom. Which sounds crazy but my mil was attempting to take over that role emotionally with my oldest d. It's only since Ive been nc with mil that I realized to what extent mil was influencing her. Basically mil would encroach upon me, my cptsd would kick in and I would withdraw then mil would swoop in and save the day by babysitting so that I could have some "well deserved kid free time."  Disgusting but true. So this is about my journey in recovering myself and my family. I am amazed at how just saying no I don't need your help and going nc with mil has helped SO MANY problems. There are things that I need to do and I'm working on it but I have a good head start and I understand the dynamics so much better.

[Compassion_accountable]

Im feeling frustrated and when that happens I usually need to just type or write and let it flow so there's really no telling what this post will look like when Im finished.

This week has been tough. Im at the place where enough is enough and Im ready to walk away. The problem is that its not possible to walk away for many months so I have to buckle down and make it work. Im supposed to be vessel of strength, but I can't be that for everyone all the time. I am a very strong person. I know who I am and who I am not. I know what I stand for and I know what is disgusting to me. Im not superwoman. And Im coming to the realization that you only live once. and I get to pick if I want my life to be happy or not. And so Im unwilling to continue certain aspects of my life. It doesn't make me happy, its not healthy, its not productive and it hurts my family. Its time for a change.

Im still having issues with DD. She has developed fleas from interacting with her PD grandmother. She is getting better but it sends me into unknown levels of ticked off when I realize the undesirable behavior that she has picked up from other people. How did this happen? NMIL called and gave somewhat of an apology. She said that she was sorry and wanted the opportunity to make things right. She didn't say what she was sorry for which irritates me. She still hasn't acknowledged how unfair she has been to my youngest child.

I hate PD. I hate suffering from CPTSD as a result. It makes things so much more complicated. So much harder to trust, so much harder to build relationships, so much harder to believe others. Its just been a bad week.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear that you've had a bad week Survivor so am sending a big    your way!

I'm just in the process of writing a piece for Out of the Fog about how to talk to children about PD people in their lives - if it might be helpful let me know and I'll send you the draft. 

[Compassion_accountable]

SO bad week number one turned into half of a bad week number 2 which hopefully and finally ended today. Thank God for miracles. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Someone asked me why I was strong enough before and not now. There are many reasons and I provided the main one but the ultimate reason is I'm not superwoman. I can't fight forever. I am strong and I can fight. But there's a limit. Cptsd makes it more complex. There was a discussion a out holding it together in public when it has to be held together and collapsing at home. That's been me on and off for a long time. I sit on the edge. When it's good I'm great but when it's bad I'm on the edge of keeping everything going. When cptsd was first suggested to me, I almost dismissed it. Bit the more that I come here and the more that this site grows, the more I see myself. So the big news this week is that something pretty major happened. I made a good decision for me. I stood up for myself and drew a pretty strong boundary. I spoke it a good way and the other person (not a pd) understood me. I'm not used to sticking up for myself unless backed into a corner and then I'm usually fighting, ticked off mad. I am in a corner and I am mad, angry and hurt, but I did a much better job of communicating and sticking up for myself without my temper going off the deep end. So ultimately it was a good day with a difficult beginning.
I like emoticons and was looking for a smiley face but I can describe my day in pics...

   

[Rain]

oh, you got me laughing with your "I can describe my day in pics"   Perfect.

what a day.....

[Compassion_accountable]

The most  difficult part is that someone told me I was paranoid. I am. But with outstanding, honest, and true reason. I have every damned right to be paranoid. (There goes my temper; I'll pull it back in) I have thought and reviewed the situation, and while I am in a super sensitive state I also firmly believe that I'm not making it up and it's not just in my head. There is a person whose  attitude and projection are different when I am alone with her and when we are in company (more than me and her) my fight or flight kicks in when we are alone. I can interact and be comfortable with an additional witness but the two of us together alone is NOT good.  At this point my position is to be quiet, because if I'm right the situation will re-present itself. If I'm wrong, the situation will dissolve.

[schrödinger's cat]

I have every damned right to be paranoid.

Precisely.

[Badmemories]

Posted by: Survivor
September 28, 2014, 09:49:38 AM

It's been hard but I'm starting to see the rewards of not being pulled by PDs. My cptsd symptoms are much worse when the PDs start closing in. When the PDs are leaving me alone It's like a huge weight lifts up and things are much easier. I know I'm describing depression and may be depression fits in with cptsd. I think in my case the depression is a symptom of cptsd as I can see a difference in it with who is pulling me which way. I hope that makes sense. Either way I'm doing better and the difference is that I have out up boundaries for my PDs so they can't run my life for me. Very liberating.

You are so right... uNPDsis has lived in My town for 3 years... It has been a big mass of drama! She went NC from me because she does not want to move out of my house and figured NC would keep me from discussing these problems. I feel so relieved that I don't have to listen to her DRAMA and Gossip, and lies, and trying to borrow money! I thought I'd miss her.. but I don't at all. 

I  am in some kind of LC or MC with My husband now... I mean I don't go over to his house very much and I like that too.  He is a lot nicer when I don't see him so much! When I worked I did not see him much either so, another reason My meds had to go up!

I know My depression is caused by people too. I would not have even said that a year ago, but I am a believer now. I mean I have been on the same medications for years and they have worked , however now I need a higher dose to get the same effects!  So, I know it is not the imbalance in Me that is to blame. It is the other people!

[Compassion_accountable]

I need to add a disclaimer before I respond--meds should be between a patient and prescribing physician. Please don't change any medicine based on my thoughts. Talk to your doctor.


I don't like most medications. My belief is that a most medications treat symptoms and not causes. For example I can somewhat manage my depression. I notice that I'm not doing so well and I can usually identify the cause and make adjustments. However if I could NOT identify the cause, then I would be much more likely to become chronically depressed. If I'm depressed long enough then that's when the hormonal imbalances and brain changes begin to occur which are identified as depression. However I think we can change our situations that are causing the depression rather than introduce powerful medications to our body.

I guess all of that to I think depression is caused mostly by our surroundings in the beginning. If it becomes chronic than we do need meds to help correct the brain chemicals but we can also change our physical surroundings which caused the depression in the first place. Just my 2 cents...

[Compassion_accountable]

Wow. What A difference a day makes. I have peace and tranquility. Just letting go and moving on with the strong boundary that I made. A friend reached out and gave me her support. Validation is incredible. I am a little concerned about a push/pull situation but the inner peace of today is amazing.

There is a thread somewhere here talking about energy flow, chakras, etc. For me some of that stuff gets a little too far out there but I do believe in energy and other people's negativity flows to me. Good boundaries. Good energy. A happy, productive me.

[Rain]

      

Yeah, Survivor!!!!

[schrödinger's cat]

Congratulations! Yet another thing that validates your decision to set boundaries, no?