My recovery journal

[Compassion_accountable]

Whew. What a day. I want the ups and downs to stop. I would be ecstatic to be plain boring. No ups, no downs, just consistent. The good news is I'm making progress. The bad news is is that when I discovered pd, I was surrounded by them. A grand total of 7. One was a temporary relationship which was easily solvable. The rest are related to me. One has moved off--so that was easily addressed. Then there's the grandmothers--mine and H's. neither one of them is really an active part of my life. It was just realizing that those behaviors were there. Next is my mom who is a recovering cptsd/uBpd/something was wrong but she's doing much better now. That brings me down to the final 2: MIL and a work colleague. The work colleague is dangerous and she's the one that I recently drew a boundary with. So I was fealing all great and hunkey dory...but then I got ambushed by IL today. I handled it well. But nearly fell apart once it was finished. It took most of today to put myself back together.

I've been spending today wondering if its me. Doubting myself. With so many complicated relationships, Am I the problem? With both situations I have taken to writing things down. Documenting. I reviewed my writing. It's not me. It. is. not. me. I feel more secure in myself right now than I have in a long time.

I feel like I get one situation worked out and the other knocks me off my feet. Both of them are working themselves out. I have a plan for work and my I don't interact with ILs all that much. I am very LC/ no response with them.

So I needed the self inspection today. I've looked at everything and I've considered a lot of things today. I am stronger because of the reflection.

[Kizzie]

That's great Survivor - you are moving on out of the storm!

[schrödinger's cat]

Glad to hear that you've taken this hurdle. Congratulations! 

I've been spending today wondering if its me. Doubting myself. With so many complicated relationships, Am I the problem? With both situations I have taken to writing things down. Documenting. I reviewed my writing. It's not me. It. is. not. me. I feel more secure in myself right now than I have in a long time.

I'm doing that too, but about my childhood, not my present life. It's just such a knee-jerk reaction to think that it's maybe just me. I'm "the oversensitive one in my family", which I'm putting in quotation marks because I'm now thinking it's just a fancy way of saying: "schrödinger's cat, we've scapegoated you and want to keep on doing this while feeling good about ourselves, so please accept ALL the blame". Reading about CPTSD things has validated a lot of things I felt/knew at the time, but which my FOO then talked me out of fully believing. It's such a good feeling, realizing that yes, I can depend on my own perceptiveness and opinions after all. Hah. 

[Kizzie]

"Hah" indeed, take that you FOO!       Honestly, best feeling ever when you finally realize it's NOT you.

[schrödinger's cat]

Absolutely, Kizzie. What makes things worse is this: NO ONE ever gets it. The few times I unburdened myself to someone, they almost all of them wondered why my pain was still so fresh after all those years. "Oh, you must move on"... "you must forgive your family, we all make mistakes, why are you so very upset"... All they knew were HEALTHY relationships. And in HEALTHY relationships, problems are caused by both parties 50/50. Everybody knows that. In healthy relationships, you have a choice and you have leeway, so you can change things by simply deciding to change them. BING! It's that easy. And so, in healthy relationships, you can't really go "oooh, the others were so mean to poor innocent me".

But the truth of it is, people in our situation GET to stand there and say "there was this problem and IT WAS NOT CAUSED BY ME". Because our relationships weren't mother+me, they were mother+me+uNPD or mother+me+tragedy or whatever, with the third party taking up almost all the space. It's like if your mother and you had to share a flat with a tiger: if there's carnage, it's safe to say that you were not responsible for 50% of it. Or maybe an elephant analogy works too. If you shared a flat with an elephant and end up feeling rather flattened, this was NOT because you chose to constantly place yourself under heavy, blunt objects.

[Badmemories]

 
Keep on Keeping on!

[Compassion_accountable]

It's been a good week. My major boundary is holding well for now. I e only had one brief interaction with work pd (passed each other in walking) communication is as always polite but obviously fake and forced. I'm at the point where I don't care. We are work colleagues in a professional situation but I have lost all and any respect for this person.

ILs have been quiet. They deny any past problems. Apparently I went NR for one indescretion on their part. It's more like 3 years of them repeatedly refusing to acknowledge my youngest child.

I'm hopeful that I'm seeing the light at the end of this tunnel...freedom is hard fought.

[Badmemories]

I have read most everything about boundaries. This link has the easiest form for me to work through. I think the check list could be useful for everyone to ask them selves before they commit to anything.
here is the link http://changingminds.org/techniques/stress/manage_boundaries.htm
The page is short so here is what it says!

Manage Your Boundaries

Description
Set your own boundaries for what you will and will not do. Then stick to them. When other people ask you to do things that are outside these boundaries, politely refuse.

Boundaries can include:

• The time you will spend on doing things for others (which takes into account the time you need for your own activities).
• The desirability and difficulty of the work requested.
• The type and amount of risk that you are prepared to accept.
• The amount of money you will spend, including money you must spend up-front before getting paid back for this later.
• What other resources you will be prepared to use or lend (for example would you lend your expensive camera to a friend for a weekend?).
• Taking all things into account, the maximum stress you can sustain.
• The ethics and values that you use to decide what is right and wrong.

If your boundaries will be crossed, then say no. You can do this nicely, but be firm and do not allow them to persuade you. They may use phrases like 'Only for me' or 'Just this once'. Stay firm and say 'Sorry, but no'.

Discussion
A lot of stress is based around relationships with others. This includes partners, children, parents, people living nearby, work colleagues, managers, local politicians and so on.

It is not uncommon for people to ask us to do things for them, with an assumption that we will be able to do it quickly and easily, while the reality is that it is difficult and takes much longer than was assumed. It is also easy for people to assume we have plenty of spare time to do things for them, when our days are already overflowing.

Stress is accumulative, adding up with each stressful thing we do or experience. Even a small thing can 'break the camel's back'. This is one reason why always managing your boundaries is important. If you break them once, people will assume you will break them again.

When we do thing for others and we have the time and resource, we typically feel good about helping them. When we are stressed, however, we easily end up resenting them (often unconsciously), and the relationship may be damaged as a result. This is an important response to worries that we must sustain the relationship by doing whatever others ask us to do.

Keep on keeping on!

[Kizzie]

Absolutely, Kizzie. What makes things worse is this: NO ONE ever gets it. The few times I unburdened myself to someone, they almost all of them wondered why my pain was still so fresh after all those years. "Oh, you must move on"... "you must forgive your family, we all make mistakes, why are you so very upset"... All they knew were HEALTHY relationships. And in HEALTHY relationships, problems are caused by both parties 50/50. Everybody knows that. In healthy relationships, you have a choice and you have leeway, so you can change things by simply deciding to change them. BING! It's that easy. And so, in healthy relationships, you can't really go "oooh, the others were so mean to poor innocent me".

But the truth of it is, people in our situation GET to stand there and say "there was this problem and IT WAS NOT CAUSED BY ME". Because our relationships weren't mother+me, they were mother+me+uNPD or mother+me+tragedy or whatever, with the third party taking up almost all the space. It's like if your mother and you had to share a flat with a tiger: if there's carnage, it's safe to say that you were not responsible for 50% of it. Or maybe an elephant analogy works too. If you shared a flat with an elephant and end up feeling rather flattened, this was NOT because you chose to constantly place yourself under heavy, blunt objects.

Cat you've put your finger on a key point once again     Perhaps we should include something to this effect in our "What Do We Want To Tell ......." threads in the "Community Matters" forum to be included in our Guest Info Centre at some point.  That is, what we are dealing with is unresolved (and in some cases ongoing) trauma inflicted in abusive relationships.  If we could have gotten over it, we would have.  If we could have let it go, we would have.  If we could have forgotten it, we would have.  If we could have moved on, we would have. But.........we.......can't.     It's not as simple as that -- it's complex PTSD afterall. We have an untreated injury that just doesn't go away on its own.   

[Compassion_accountable]

Great discussion! I love it.

I'm feeling a little down. Not too bad, but deflated. I've let go of some friendships. Called a spade, a spade. I don't want fake friends. Not interested.  I'm not a convenient friend. That's not to say that I don't recognize different levels of friendship but I'm not going to wait until pd gives you permission to be friend. So I guess the feeling is a little meloncholy. Letting go of someone's illusion because I know it's just an illusion. The good news is that someone else reached out today...well really two someone's. so here's to letting go of fake to make room for real.

[schrödinger's cat]

Real instead of fake sounds good. Glad to hear that this happened so soon after you let go of your fake friends. 

[Compassion_accountable]

Schrodinger, this has been a process taking place for a while. I think the mental process was first and the physical seems to be rapid but in reality it's just catching up. I knew the friends were fake a long time ago and I have watched them make their own decisions. 2 in particular both of whom I have had extremely long but not extremely close relationships with, you can watch them put a finger in the air to test which way the wind blows. They see it and know it and even know about pd. but being a gc is too comfy. They won't ever stand up for me as a sg friend who hasnt done anything wrong but I would have for them. I won't now. They're on their own. Hope they stay a gc. It's a golden prison.

[schrödinger's cat]

  I can see now why you think they were only ever fake friends. Someone who won't stand up for you isn't a friend at all, it's an acquaintance.

I was amazed recently to realize just how out of whack my idea of a friendship is. Someone treats me in a cool, aloof way? Or they're friendly when I'm feeling good and have something to give, but when I'm in trouble, they keep their distance? Why, it's like we're family already! We're going to get along so well! I know precisely how to be the complement part in such a relationship!

There's a list someplace on Pete Walker's website (I think it's his) called something like "my rights in a relationship". I glanced at it and thought: "Pah, I know all that." I read it anyway and went: "...oh. Oh. Oh, right. Of course, that makes sense." Then I went and read up on codependent and dependent behaviour. Now I'm not even sure what to feel about some of my past friendships. Sad? Betrayed? Guilty for being so ready to accept dysfunctional behaviour? Guilty for being dysfunctional myself? Disappointed that people were so ready to exploit this? I want a refund. I want to hand my childhood and youth back in and get another version. I want my family to have kind of electronic interface where I could type in a cheat code: toggle social_skills ON.

[Compassion_accountable]

Thanks. I'll definitely look at Pete walker. It's interesting. I've worked so hard over the past year on getting out of drama and setting boundaries that I think I am finally having some success. But there's kind of a void. I have actively been working on three different pd relationships. And it's been exhausting. One is remarkably improved, and the other 2 I am nc/NR or vlc. I wouldn't change it as I needed to go through the process in order to reach my conclusions and to be comfortable with my decisions. But now is my time for me and my family. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy. We've worked so hard to get to this place. It's time to fill the void with positivity and happiness for my family of choice.

[schrödinger's cat]

Yes, precisely. It's not enough to survive - well, it is for quite a while, but the ultimate goal is always to survive in style, to really live. You probably know Maya Angelou's poem, Still I Rise? For me, that sums it up perfectly - she sounds so serene, almost smug, and totally sure of herself, totally sure of the point she's reached in her recovery.

THREE pd relationships? Oh my goodness. I had one pd acquaintance and she completely flattened me - it felt like being cozied up to by a meat grinder.