Feel like I'm wading through mud

[flyingfree]

Hi all,

My diagnosis of C-PTSD is quite recent so I think I'm being a bit impatient here but...

I feel like I'm basically struggling to survive some days, then other days I'm ok. Does anyone else experience this? Yesterday, the day after a heavy T session, my whole body felt like it was shutting down. I woke up and my body just felt heavy and sluggish. My eyes were burning. I was walking to work and my legs felt like lead. I was half-asleep all day, barely able to function. I should have just stayed home, but I thought once I had a coffee it would pass. But no amount of coffee, sugar, anything would make me feel better. I honestly felt like I was struggling to even function.

Today, I woke up and I felt ok. My focus is off, but compared to yesterday, I feel so much better. But, even on a good day, it's still a struggle. It's like my mind can only cope with so much, then it's like 'nope' and I switch off.

In addition to this, my memory is shot. I actually can't remember anything about Monday at all. It's bizarre. It's like that day didn't even happen. I have this problem with my childhood memories (huge blanks) but this is the first time that I've had days in recent memory seemingly disappear out of my brain as if they didn't exist. It's kind of scary.

I'm sure this will get better, but it's frustrating as * right now. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that this is necessary for my healing.

[Jdog]

Coral reef-

Oh yes, I can relate to what you are saying.  I go from high to low functioning a lot, depending upon my triggers and probably also body chemistry and such.  I have known about my CPTSD for aboutb18 months and just recently began letting myself feel some things that I resisted in the past. Some of them are things that happen in my current situation, others must be echoes from the past. Today I do feel pretty lost and sad.  My therapist only sees me very occasionally but I am allowed to email as often as I want, and lately that has been at least once per day.

So hang in there, knowing that you are not alone. This really is a journey, and feeling lost and confused really is part of it. There are also bright and lovely parts where stuff suddenly clicks and we can be fully present.

Thanks for participating in this forum.

[Ladybug]

Hi coralreef!

Yes, I can relate. I have bad days and "good" days. I would never say that I am high functioning, just some days not as low functioning as others. Just a low energy person, both mentally and physically. Someone posted about "dissociation" recently, and that sounds the same as what you mentioned about not remembering Monday at all. The mind can only deal with so much, and dissociation is it's way of shutting things out. I suffer from chronic 24/7 dissociation. It is my most troubling symptom. I feel like I am thinking through mud or molasses. Or that if I could pop my brain out and wipe it with window cleaner and then pop it back in, that would be ideal.

I had an exhausting therapy session last week. I felt terrible for the next 3 days. Physically exhausted, not wanting to get out of bed. I think that is somewhat normal when processing trauma - it takes a lot out of you.

I get 8 hours of sleep each night at minimum. Another thing that helps is just accepting that I'm not like "everyone else" (people without c-ptsd or other limitations), so if I can't go/do as much as them, it is ok. I am kind to myself about it and ok with doing less, resting more. It can be frustrating but it's easier for me not to fight that fight and focus on what my body is telling me I need to heal.

Would you say that your eyes are sensitive to light? If so, you may want to have a cortisol test to check your adrenal gland function. Stress and trauma can wreck those little glands and contribute to fatigue and other symptoms. I am on adrenal supplements that have helped quite a bit.

[flyingfree]

Thanks for your replies. It's reassuring to hear this is 'normal' (well, normal within the bounds of C-PTSD). I have to say it freaks me out that I can't remember an entire day. The main thing I seem to block out is my time at work, which is causing me stress (beause I'm low-functioning some days - viscious cycle). I totally relate to wanting to take your brain out, give it a wipe then pop it back in!

Also, the fact I had a terrible day after T isn't so suprising. By the end of the session I was exhausted. It does take a lot out of you to re-live all of that trauma. I feel like I've slowly been getting up the guts to face more and more trauma as time goes on.

I realised I'm not getting enough sleep so I've been going to bed earlier and that helps. I also realised I was having these battles with my Inner Child at bedtime. I'd start thinking 'Maybe the problem is me. Maybe my NM didn't abuse me. Maybe I'm making it all up.'

When I asked my T about this, she said it was the way I used to think to cope with the trauma of abuse. One of the big things for me has been getting my self-esteem and boundaries back, and realising that I don't deserve to be treated like crap. With that realisation came the C-PTSD because suddenly I realised how abusive my childhood was and how NM was the perpetrator and me the victim, rather than her being the poor put-upon parent and me the flawed child.

Anyway....I think my brain is going into the old protective mode and I've been doing my best to say to my IC that 'you deserve unconditional love. You do not deserve abuse. Your mother does not provide unconditional love. She did abuse you. It's not your fault.'

Which makes for a difficult time getting to sleep at night :S I think it's getting the message tho as the past two nights I've gone to sleep more easily.

In the past I have had adrenal fatigue so I know what you mean, and I remember how awful it was. I'm glad you're on good supplements for it - they really helped me too! I feel ok at the moment so I'm hoping that's not an issue but I will keep that in mind.

I do know what you mean about 'bright and lovely' parts too. That' has been realising what a supportive group of friends I have in my life. 18 months ago, that was not the case. I am very lucky.

Also, this forum is an absolute godsend!

[Jdog]

Wow - you have done a whole lot of processing, self soothing, and reframing!  Great job with all of it!