Hi I'm Ann

[annbelievesinwhales]

Hi I'm Ann. I've been in therapy for the last 2 years. I anticipate being in it for another year at least. I'm 28 now and am only finally beginning to feel a part of the world. I've felt out of control, terrified, powerless and like a child most of my life. Using DBT,ACT, CBT tons of mindfulness and the like I'm finally beginning to learn to reparent myself, take care of myself and maybe just a teensy bit connect with others. I'm grieving a lot these days. In a book on C-PTSD I learned shame is blame turned inwards, blame that should have been placed on poor * parenting rather than myself and I've been crying and raging of the injustice of being alone and disconnected and terrified of people for nearly 3 decades. I'm overwhelmed with compassion for myself for the first time in my life for the things I have endured. For the abuse I witnessed, I suffered. I'm validating myself in totally new ways and finally coming out of the fog.

Mindfulness is what I'm working on now. I've been so hyper aroused and hyper vigilant around others for most of my life that mindfulness helps to get my amygdala under control and give me some distance from the fear that takes me over when I feel put on the spot with others. That's very old fear from my childhood. Overall I don't know if this all makes sense but it's my truth and it's nice to have a truth all my own for the first time and not question it. I'm slowly beginning to know and express myself- something that was never allowed and I never developed. But I can say I am firmly in recovery and I believe that CPTSD will always affect me but it can affect me much less than it has. I can finally envision living a fulfilling life.

The work is so so hard. So hard to quiet that inner critic, gain perspective, create new neural pathways and atrophy the ones I've dug deep for 3 decades. But I can do it. I'm in a good place and I'm going to have the life I want. I'm here because I need to reach out to others who know what it's like to feel isolated disconnected and just misunderstood in this whole CPTSD thing. To not have developed a sense of self or whatever. You guys are my tribe and I'm ready more than ever to start connecting with others. It's really scary. It's hard to trust myself, scary to express myself and not automatically assume I'll be rejected. But I want to be myself and develop myself the way I would have if I'd been blessed with a family who delighted in their children instead of ignored, criticized and terrified them. I feel like there's more to say which is nice since I always worry I have nothing to say. I guess when I'm finally speaking my truth instead of tiptoeing around secrets I'm freer to be honest. Anyway that's all for now. Look forward to connecting with some of you.

Ann

[smg]

Hi Ann,

Welcome to OOTS! I think that it's a good place to make connections with people who get it, and I hope that you find that here.
Congratulations on having honest things to say!!! It sounds like you've been doing so much work. (And, it sounds like you've been reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving, which a lot of us here use.)
Welcome, and I hope that we hear more of what you have to say.

smg

[annbelievesinwhales]

smg,

Yay!!! Thanks for welcoming me. I love Pete Walker's book. It's kind of becoming my bible for the moment. That and The Body Holds the Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. I'll definitely look out for what others have gotten from it. And yes, I've been doing tons of work. But I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels so good! Thanks again!

Ann

[Ladybug]

Hi Ann!

Isolated, disconnected, misunderstood - check, check, and check; but here you (we) are no longer any of those things. Yay!

Welcome. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Ann 
Thank u for sharing - it's so great to hear of your recovery so far ..
I identify with many things - I'm 42 and finally feel I've come to a place of real waking up - I had many addictions for many years but am now on top of them and able to see everything clearly ..
I am very grateful for this site and hearing and sharing with others -
I used to think I was the only one in the world like me !! And to
Learn of cptsd has been so liberating -
Love mindfulness to and yes learning compassion for self - to begin to live a life we were meant to live -
Fear is a big one for me at the moment and whilst I haven't educated myself much on Pete walker and other literature I am becoming more aware of emotional triggers - I've just spent some days in hyper fear following a return from a break away - the fear doesn't fit the situation - I have a stable life - and I can see it's a re activation of internal
Workings - breath work and mindfulness really help me
I too am coming out in terms of connecting with people - I feel ready now as I feel more equipped -
Just today in meditation I gained deeper awareness of a fear - fear of being criticised and condemned - rationally if this were to happen I would just think the other person was mad and had lost it - but the fear is so earth shaking that I know it is a part of cptsd - once I got in touch with it I felt I began to accept it - instead of it being this dominating thing that I just couldn't breathe in ---
So here we are - beginning our real life
I am always so glad to hear when someone is doing it and getting it at a younger age and I wish u many best wishes