Facebook and Family

[Jdog]

I am not on Facebook.  This is for two reasons. As a teacher, I simply don't want to even have to think about running the risk of having students peek into my private life nor do I want to refuse to "friend" high schoolers endlessly.  Second reason is that I'm an only child and am not really wanting to open my life up to far-away cousins for their amusement...I have felt very judged by my Father's side of the family for many years (and when my once-closest cousin told me my Father called me a "*" for not wanting to hang out with him....well that kind of cemented it).

Here is the problem:  the same cousin referenced above tried to call me yesterday and left no message other than that I needed to call back.  I think there is a death in the family.  His cell phone voicemail box is full so I can't leave a message for him...I feel disconnected and the not-knowing part of who may have passed away is stressing me out.  I'm sure the rest of the family, being on Facebook, knows what's happened. I hope cousin and I connect soon.

Finding a balance between privacy and availability is sure a tricky thing...

[Dutch Uncle]

Can't you send him a text message?

And from what I have heard, Facebook is *-on-earth. I never felt tempted to join anyway, but most I seem to hear about it is people getting into all kinds of abusive situations, usually with relatives or (because of FB-posts) soon-to-be-ex-friends.

Question: how bad will it be/will you feel yourself if there is a death in the family, and you didn't attend the funeral? Perhaps you don't want to be there anyway?





In perhaps a related note: today is the funeral of a (extended) family member. I dreaded to go there, for many reasons but one being my NCsis. This morning I got a text from her ( ) asking if I would (too) attend the funeral. I've kept my silence. And I feel pretty good about it. About my silence to her that is. In any case I did send the family a card (already 10 days ago when I heard of the death) and have not heard from them, nor got an 'invitation' to the funeral. Which is fine, the person who died is far-away-related (I won't go into details).

[keepfighting]

That's the downside of being LC/NC with your FOO.

Hope you'll get your answers soon. 

[Jdog]

Thanks.  I did text but no answer.  Found the obit on my own...it is the brother of the cousin who left the msg.  I definitely would have gone back for the funeral but it's tomorrow and flights are too expensive at the last minute - it's 2,000 miles away - so I'm hurt that I wasn't informed sooner.  He died last Sunday.

I dislike this type of drama.  I will post condolences online, send flowers, and write a letter to my Aunt (mother of deceased) as she is a really nice lady.  Don't want her thinking I don't care. If my Ncousin had informed me of his brother's death more promptly I could have gone back.

[keepfighting]

My condolences, JDog, and I'm sorry that because of this late communication the chance of saying goodbye at the funeral will be denied to you.

Last year, I had to say goodbye to my grandma by myself. It was sad and not fair - but I did it my own way and I feel at peace - I feel  that things between me and my grandma are ok. No FOO games can take away from us what we did have. That knowledge helped me a lot in my grief (both the grief over her death as the grief about being denied the opportunity to attend her funeral).

I hope you'll find a way to say goodbye to your cousin and to grieve his death in a way that will bring you peace. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I dislike this type of drama.  I will post condolences online, send flowers, and write a letter to my Aunt (mother of deceased) as she is a really nice lady.  Don't want her thinking I don't care. If my Ncousin had informed me of his brother's death more promptly I could have gone back.

You're a wonderful person, Jdog. My condolences for your loss.

[C.]

I think it's especially cruel when people are hurtful during such a significant time as the passing of a family member.  It's one of those times when ideally people could set aside their own agendas and be supportive with one another.  Sadly and in my experience I've seen it bring out the worst in people too (usually those already unhealthy, NPD, etc.)

I believe from what you describe that you are a kind and compassionate person.  I'm sure that your aunt knows so and will truly appreciate your condolences.  Often times the grief is especially hard after family members who've come to town leave.  Perhaps a visit w/your aunt if you want to do so later on would be of the most benefit for you and she alike, I don't know.  Just a thought.

As for FB, I do have an acct. and yes, it does keep me aware of big events, births, deaths, things like that.  But I also have a pretty eclectic set of aquaintance level friends from around the world, my faith community, my college days, and high school days who were all quite supportive w/me when I first went through my breakdown a few years ago.  But now I use it less.  And it can also be triggering to find things out online, like about someone's death...I get better support here as far as online supports. 

It sounds like you've made the best decision for you regards FB.  If you decide to look in to it in the future you might want to know there are a lot of privacy options, you might already know so.   I could make it invisible to everyone except friends who I select.  So your students wouldn't need to know.  There are privacy options.  But it's the internet so the footprint is always there.

You have a lot of support and understanding here.  As you go through this I hope that you may find and provide yourself the same compassion and care as you clearly feel for others, like your aunt.

[Jdog]

Thank you,everyone, for your compassion and support.  I do feel it and it truly is helping.  My Ncousin did finally call, and I did not let him know I had found out about his brother's death on my own.  After he was finished giving the details, I let him know that I would have liked to have known sooner and would have made the effort to fly back for the services.  He expressed surprise and also let me know how expensive the flight was (but he had some passes so didn't have to pay....it was as if to say that he never thought I could afford to fly back).  He said his Mom was undergoing radiation treatment for lung cancer and was doing poorly and not talking.  He said I should maybe call next week.

Came home and my wife suggested I call Aunt now to express condolences, as she doesn't believe a word of what cousin says.  Sure enough, Aunt answered phone and despite having a bad cold was clear and talkative.  Cousin obviously wanted to make it seem that I didn't care enough to call before the funeral.  So that is resolved.  It obviously is a lot on cousin's plate to be taking Mom for radiation treatments daily but still no excuse for not calling or emailing sooner.  He even told me he has my email....

Anyways, home now and going to spend most of the weekend celebrating my wife's birthday (it's Sunday) and being grateful for such a wonderful support network IRL and here in this online forum.

You obviously don't know me personally and I appreciate your kind comments, especially when you indicate that you think I am a good person.  I think that is true, though I try to be humble.  We really all do the best we can (even to include my Ncousin...he isn't yet ready to face his demons....). 

Many blessings to my online friends, and many thanks for your support.

[no_more_fear]

I'm glad you've resolved some things, Jdog. Deaths are a tricky one when it comes to families such as ours. My dad is old, and going by past experiences when my mom hasn't told certain family members about a death, I know that I now won't be told if anything like that were to happen, to my dad for instance. It's part of it though, so in a way we expect it. Doesn't make it any easier though. I hope you were at least able to enjoy the birthday celebrations yesterday; you derserve every piece of happiness.

Thinking of you. 

[steamy]

Sorry to hear of your loss jdog.

facebook is not all that bad, it takes a bit to sort it out so you are not visible to your students or anybody else that you doing don't want to have on your social network. I use it to stay in touch with people who I wouldn't send emails to. It's often nice to see how people are doing without having to go to a lot of trouble.

However, I have used it for other means, such asto tellmy employer that I am tied of waiting for my salary, and "the network" makes sure your boss gets the message. Lol.

A family member used one of my posts to cause trouble with my mother, which was also intended, so face book has is uses lol, I also use it for getting non mainstream news and easy access to groups that share my interests.

It comes down to what one wants from it.

[Jdog]

Ok, thanks for the feedback.  BTW I have subsequently gone back to visit my Aunt in Denver and partially reconciled with my cousin.  He apologized for his abusive behavior when he visited me and my wife several years ago, which was a really big thing for him to do.  He is an executive in an energy company and not much given to humility or apologies.  My Aunt and I had a lot of fun, and I also got to see a very good friend who moved to Denver a number of years ago.

So, a happy ending.

[tired]

I got off facebook but I needed a backup way to communicate in case my kids don't have their phones or something. They suggested google chat and we have an app.  We can also use skype.

[C.]

Great to hear Jdog