Today I feel ..... (Part 2)

[Convalescent]

Thank you, Kizzie I don't have a lot of words as of right now, but thanks for the hug.

Today I feel... very very tired. And angry. And sad.

[Indigochild]

Woah tired, i feel like this too, that the universe will punish me. I guess really, it is my mum, because it always was her. Ruining everything I wont go into it.
Im sorry you feel so anxious.   

Today i feel tired, lethargic, split in two=powerless but wanting to be strong and peservere.
Angry, but now numb, just sleepy

[Indigochild]

Sad and alone. Im in this grief alone, and know one will understand it apart from you guys, and my T - if in fact she's truthful when she says she does.
Confused as partner doest notice. Maybe I'm good at covering it up. It comes out of know where. Or maybe like my dad, he just doesnt notice, and thats scary.
Known can help me, apart from me. Yet again, i have to have my own back. Im my own protector as i always had to be. I have to look after little me.
Numb. Its gone away = empty- where did it go?
Confused...as how to unleash this sadness inside. Christmas is hard.
Will turn to usual resources so as not to feel as alone, such as cptsd literature and videos.
It will probably come back, this grief.
No idea how to tackle the holiday. I should have been more prepared.

Just needed to offload, I dont have anybody.

[eva]

hey Indigo I am sending you a hug. I (and most of us here) know that loneliness.  when I am doing guided visualisations, I often like to imagine there is a tribe made up of all who are on a healing journey,, being connected in the universe.  and it does make me feel less alone.
glad you are seeking to be resourceful and take care of yourself

by the way, I also very much related to what you had said previously about feeling that "the universe will punish me" - I get so looped into that one. ugh. when I am in that place, guided imagery does help me, somewhat too - maybe that is already one of your resources? (you mention videos...) 
hugs

[Indigochild]

Hey Yvette,

Thank you very much for the hug. Heres one for you too: 
That sounds like a really nice visualisation. Perhaps one day we will come into contact with others more regureally who understand this stuff, and perhaps who are not damaged and dysfunctional any more.

Trigger warning----

Yes, my T said to me that my mother used to take anything good away, anything she did or said, she would fake her emotional support - if she ever gave it which was hardly ever, then trash it, emotionally abuse me and shame me for struggling etc etc. any talents she noticed she would shame.
I thought of this figure as god- the one who will punish me now, but i think its really the universe, as i dont believe in god.
Maybe we manifest that into our lives to- that being- that as soon as something is good - oh god- its going to be taken away- bad luck is around the corner, so perhaps thats why it happens.
I am not out of this one yet, but i did read an article which i will need to find again to send you the link-
but it was a bout the scapegoat who has a narcissistic parent- and how they feel that the world will punish them all the time.
When they leave home- they will keep punishing themselves, because the parent isn't there to do it anymore
I used to call it- keeping myself in line.
The parent was so jelous of the scapegoat, that they ruined anything good they did and anythign good about them- so now the scapegat- because they believe they are worthless beings- they ruin things for themslevles-
and the narcissistic parent has put in place this fear of things going wrong for he scrapegoat-
and the result is what they always wanted for the scapegoat child-
that they dont try anymore. They dont expect much of themselves, they dont ie. draw or paint anymore...they just dont.
and if they do, they are not proud of it, they worry someone will abuse them for it.
Hope that makes sense.
That made me mad, that she did this to me, this cycle of fear thoughts in my head. I dont want to let her beat me. This feeling is just so hard to shake.

I havent tried guided imagery.
I watch Spartanlifecoach etc. some times a video is made at exactly the right time for me - as in it matches what is going on in my life at that time or how I'm feeling.
There were no such as i guess its the holiday period. I have you guys, and i have my books.
Thankyou so much for being here 

[Kizzie]

No idea how to tackle the holiday. I should have been more prepared.

In all fairness to yourself Indigo, how can you prepare though? It's just such an emotional and evocative time of the year.  I thought I was fine and yet out of the blue (or so it felt), came this abandonment depression and an EF. I had a similar reaction to what you are describing - deep fear and depression that the good things in my life would be taken away yet again.  Even though I am not in touch with my PD FOO, their ghosts still haunt me. Much like you, I got angry when I realized the past was still invading my present and that helped, and also as you did, I went to the readings to figure out what was going on to take the EF down as much as possible and posted here. 

Pete Walker talks about understanding (and accepting when we are able to), that we will always carry this the past with us as it is part of us, that it may rise up from time to time, albeit less frequently and less intensely than it did. I don't like it but I think he is correct given how I (and others here like you) reacted this Christmas. Key for me is the notion that the grief and fear will subside and not overwhelm me as they once did.

Perhaps a positive thought to hand onto is that you have won in that you are here, you are speaking up and you are recovering although I know it doesn't feel that way right now.  I like to think of it as symbolically giving the finger to the PD folks in our lives who sought to keep us down. "Take that, you did NOT beat me, so there!" 

[Cocobird]

I feel anxious. I thought the holiday season was over, but my daughter invited me to hang out for a while on New Years Eve with Tom's family. I can't drive after dark, so it seems kind of silly. I am still decided what to do.

[tired]

1.  accomplished:   i vented my anger about a family member to her sister, which was borderline inappropriate but i needed to and she's a safe person.  i feel like i was good to my kids and i rarely feel that way. i felt more aware than usual, about my behavior.  and i made new years resolutions that are small and specific and i'm going to try one per week.  small changes.
2.  fat.  I ate too much and i don't care. i don't like to not care. i started the holiday at a good/low end of good weight so i ate a lot but. didn't eat junk food; just a lot of food.  not my usual hoping-to-lose-before-the-next-binge meal plan.  i watched a documentary called brave miss world and i loved the woman in the show and wanted to be like her but she's very thin.  i decided to wear a hat like hers and that would be the similarity because it would take me a long time to actually look like that. 

[woodsgnome]

Today I feel...exhausted but somehow hopeful.

Both are directly related to starting with a new therapist yesterday. It's exhausting to be on that road again (this is t #10), resisting the urge to bolt but yearning for a rare outsider's take on this tortured soul.

The hopeful part isn't connected to a desired end-game. Or so I thought. After the typical all-over-the-map first session, though, I know exactly what I need to achieve—honest and full self-compassion, self-respect, self-love. I've mouthed the intent so often, but always the feelings have proved elusive and I disappeared back into the bubble I've felt trapped in for  decades.

Can that be real for me, that beacon of hope I can sense but never find?  I want to stop thinking and surrender to possibility. Words won't get me any further; they're old hat, but those feelings...it would be so freeing to just hear that bubble pop and FEEL the peace rush in and cradle me. It's all I've ever wanted.

[Dutch Uncle]

You go Bro! 

Wishing you the Best,  .

[reluctantastronaut]

today i feel exhausted, anxious, hopeful, jealous, and amazed. i did a lot today.

[Indigochild]

Worthless, not good enough, not motivated, exhausted, while too hypervigelant.
Self destructive. Un hopeful, like there is no hope, and no help.
Thinking that therapist cant even help me. Sessions are so difficult.
Trapped in my own life, trapped within myself.
Confused, flashback or not? Is it his fault?
Is it both of us?
Self blaming. Unworthy of this relationship.
Unsafe. Scared all the time. Its never ending.
Like a horrible person.
Like I'm falling into a hole, and I dont want to go down there.  Unmotivated.
Guilty. Uneasy. Like i cant face the world.
Sad, and now I'm crying real tears, which *never* happens.
Alone. in pain. I want it to stop.
I want to get off this crazy train that is my life. Ive had enough.
Thinking I want to go back on meds, even if it wont help much.
Feeling like i could just fall apart.

[Dutch Uncle]

  , Indigo. 

[MaryAnn]

Indigo,

My heart goes out to you!  Please do not give up hope.   I have felt the same way and can completely relate.  It is okay and will be okay.  Remember, you are not alone.  We walk with you and are here to support each other.   The hypervigilance is exhausting and therapy is hard.  Much harder than I ever imagined.  Change is difficult, especially when it is you that you are working to change.

I never cried either but I am able to accept know that it is okay to cry and let the tears fall.   You are strong and resilient.  You are valuable, you are worthy, and have nothing to blame yourself for.  You are as much a victim of abuse as the rest of us hear.  We didn't bring it on ourselves but unfortunately we are the ones that have figure out how to work through it so that we can actually live life.  I still feel alone and it is painful.  Hang in there, it gets better!  I promise! And, remember, we are here and anytime you are feeling low, please reach out to us for support!  You are safe here.

Lol, MaryAnn 

[Indigochild]

Thankyou for the hug Dutch