Today I feel ..... (Part 2)

[Indigochild]

MaryAnne,
I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a lovely reply.
My aim wasn't for replies, just for a simple outlet for myself, only it did help me to get in touch with how i felt, but i do really appreciate it.

Thank you for telling me that it is safe here and for reminding me that I'm not alone, and also that i have suffered abuse just like the rest of you.
I worry that I'm a terrible person because of the abuse...even if i know logically that its not my fault, I'm just very confused at the moment and not feeling safe.

Im super glad that you were able to cry.
I tried talking to my inner child, but i dont know how to help her when we both see things the same way. Its hard, but thank you for being here. It means a lot.

Indigo

[Sienna]

Mary Anne,
im so sorry you feel alone, how could i have missed that part of what you wrote?
im so sorry  i did and the fact that i never meant to, doesn't make it ok.
I'm sorry. i feel alone too, so i understand very much. we are all here for you.
big 

[Sienna]

I felt like i had a big, slab of hot painful fire inside of me, filling me up entirely.
It hurt my body.
My stomach is sore.

Im very *very* anxious, feeling lots of anxiety,
(due to having to say with narcissistic X while i look for my own place)
Hyperviglenat, I have heart palpitations
Im scared of hm.
Really *really* scared of him. 

I talk to the little one inside of my head, and sometimes it eases things for a minute.
I have to try to accept, that these feelings while not being expressed, may not go down s quickly as i would like them to. And its wrong of me to want her to stop feeling...for it to ease,
but i don't blame myself either.
I need to keep safe, but at least i now *know* that by holding everything in, i am to helping my inner child.
And that is something, even though it isn't the best.

Now I'm understanding more and more why i had to do that growing up- why i couldn't *feel*.
It all links back to the past, and this experience, and seeing X for what he really is...is helping me to understand why i had to hide and resort to the measures i went to, and why I dissociated growing up.

I am so appreciative beyond belief for all the lovely people here who understand.

[Errorzone]

I'm beyond sick of having to live in a world where my trauma is mocked, yet my abusers continue to even draw breath. I can't remember the last time I slept, yet I am physically unable to. I just sit there catatonic, all the tears I had in me spent ages ago, damned to look on in paralyzed terror as the carcass of my sanity is raped endlessly by the seven billion worthless maggots that call themselves humans. I could type until my fingers snapped off about how this world has mercilessly defecated all over me, but it wouldn't be of any use because I probably brought it all upon myself, right?! And if I call my torturers out on their atrocities then somehow I'm the bad guy?! I can not win. Hypocrites, sadists, abusers and traitors are all I've come to expect from this world. Any compassion I've ever known always turns out to be a cruel lie and any hope I feel is ripped from me sooner or later. Someone just come over and put me out of my misery. I deserve to exterminated anyway for being a sodomite and degenerate, my very existence is a crime against nature, remember?

[Dutch Uncle]

  to you, Vengeance Absolute.

And    to all your abusers and those who put the blame on you.
You did nothing to bring this upon yourself, and don't believe those who tell you your existence is crime against nature. 

You are a worthy human being.   

[Sienna]

Hey VenganceAbsolute

Im so sorry you are feeling so terrible.
I bet you are sick of living in a world like that. I hear you.

Im definitely not trying or wanting to talk you out of your feelings, i just wanted to say to you that,
I really do not believe that you brought it all upon yourself.
These people - there way towards you, their abuse, makes you think, that it is all your fault, - even if they haven't actually said it verbally, though they might have.

When you encounter over and over others who teat you the same way, of course you would think hat you just deserve it.
it is not your fault that they are this way.

And if I call my torturers out on their atrocities then somehow I'm the bad guy?!
I know. Its mightily unfair to put it mildly, - but i want to tell you, that that is their issue, they either can't see what they are doing, that their behavior s wrong, or they can not ephatise with how it effects you, or they cut deal with the fact that they are wrong so they put the blame on you.

Any compassion I've ever known always turns out to be a cruel lie and any hope I feel is ripped from me sooner or later.
I understand, and i hope that one day, you can meet others who really mean it when they show you compassion etc.

I know its so hard to believe that its not your fault. But from an outsider, who also understands so well, thing that its my fault, I'm here you, and i don't believe it is your fault.

[Errorzone]

Hey VenganceAbsolute

Im so sorry you are feeling so terrible.
I bet you are sick of living in a world like that. I hear you.

Im definitely not trying or wanting to talk you out of your feelings, i just wanted to say to you that,
I really do not believe that you brought it all upon yourself.
These people - there way towards you, their abuse, makes you think, that it is all your fault, - even if they haven't actually said it verbally, though they might have.

When you encounter over and over others who teat you the same way, of course you would think hat you just deserve it.
it is not your fault that they are this way.

[...]

I know. Its mightily unfair to put it mildly, - but i want to tell you, that that is their issue, they either can't see what they are doing, that their behavior s wrong, or they can not ephatise with how it effects you, or they cut deal with the fact that they are wrong so they put the blame on you.

[...]

I know its so hard to believe that its not your fault. But from an outsider, who also understands so well, thing that its my fault, I'm here you, and i don't believe it is your fault.

No I hear you, I really appreciate the empathy that you're offering me. I can't really describe how grateful I am people have felt what I've felt, as sucky as it is. It can feel comforting to know that I'm not alone and there are other human beings going through similar situations. It's just kinda unfair to see the * of the earth get off scott free, to put it mildly. I hope one day these negative emotions are no longer relevant, and I have reason to welcome in better feelings to take their place. Wish there was a way to send cookies through the net, but until teleportation technology becomes feasible you'll have to accept them in spirit.

to you, Vengeance Absolute.

And    to all your abusers and those who put the blame on you.
You did nothing to bring this upon yourself, and don't believe those who tell you your existence is crime against nature. 

You are a worthy human being.   

Thank you for your going out of your way and welcoming to this site. To realize that there are still people out there who are capable of compassion is a pretty big liberation for me.

I feel a little better than I did last night, now that I got all that junk off my chest and people like you two are extending a warm welcome to me despite of the fact that I probably come off like some angsty teenager who lost his Linkin Park CDs.

Oh, I just got word a couple hours ago that the school I'm transferring to accepted my application, so that's a little bit of anxiety off my shoulders. I'll admit that I bit off more than I could chew with college I'm attending now; the commute was a nightmare. Won't have to worry about that much longer!

[Sienna]

Hey VenganceAbsolute,

You are definitely not alone, and you are right, it is very comforting to know that.
It's just kinda unfair to see the * of the earth get off scott free, to put it mildly. -
I know.  It is just infuriating and wrong.
I completely know. (I had that realization about what happened to me, last week, and the anger and rage and injustice....i know i have a sea of anger inside of me i need to let out.)

I understand about wanting these feelings to not be relevant anymore, to just not exist.
I think these feelings will always be relevant, even if you don't feel them to the extent that you do now, even if your anger disappears. Maybe you won't forget, but it might just fit into the story of your life and I'm sure it will be replaced by positive emotions.

Haha, thank you for the cookies! I accept them in spirit!
I am glad you are feeling a little bit better.
I love this, it made me chuckle!....despite of the fact that I probably come off like some angsty teenager who lost his Linkin Park CDs.
I laughed about the teenager- linking park CDs thing.
I don't think you came across as an angsty teenager at all. This is what this board / this section of it, is about, for just expressing how you are feeling, just as it is, plain, and honest, and blunt, no need for cover up here.
That voice that is saying that to you, sounds like it might be them, who put that voice of judgement there.
You are worthy, and you have the right to express that voice and that pain inside of you.
I know its hard, but I would try to have compassion for that judgmental voice, but also for the hurt part of you too.

Good for you for getting accepted there! Good luck with the long commute, and i hope its won't all to much for you. 

[Sienna]

Anxious around other. All day.
Stuck. Plans not working as i thought they would and as i want them to.
Anxious again- after watching Eastenders of all things!
Getting caught up in how the characters might feel.
My heart is beating fast.
Sometimes, i dont feel much about others or something that happened to someone else, in real life.
Its like i dont care, or I'm numb, or just not shocked by it.
Maybe I'm too overwhelmed by my own stuff.
My reactions seem fake to me and i hope they dont to others.
I wonder if I'm a narcissist or if i have traits.
Or if its the disassociation i experience.
I realise that I'm confused- unsure- i dont know how much others feel about others.
I dont know what is appropriate and what is not.
I know you just need to be yourself, but I'm wondering if I'm just *turned off* inside.

[Sienna]

I feel overwhelmed, unsupported.
I need to crash. I need peace.
I cant listen to others stories.
I cant hear any more lies.
I need truthful others in my life , not someone who is drunk and lying to his girlfriend on the phone about what he is doing.
This dude drank my wine- that he got me for my birthday.
Boundary invading or what!
I just want to get out of here and go to a women refuge as originally planned.
I need support.
Im not in the mood to party, or to be around drunk others, who has not stopped talking to me since i got home from volunteering.
I need to take a bath or someting- just look after myself.
Soothe how I'm feeling.
I need emotional support.
Thanks for letting me offload.

[Sienna]

Sometimes it feels like nothing and know body will ever be able to stop you hurting.

[Dutch Uncle]

This dude drank my wine- that he got me for my birthday.
Boundary invading or what!

You bet! I used to have a friend like that.

I just want to get out of here and go to a women refuge as originally planned.

Yeah. Call them again tomorrow. A homeless shelter is not where you need to go. Tell them you are surrounded by drunks and abusers.

Take care.

[Sienna]

Dutch Uncle, thank you so much.
Thank you for validating my reality and my perceptions.
Im so sorry you had a friend like that.
Thank you Duch, serously- for encouraging me to call the refuge again. I have two others in this city that i can call. I just hope they take me and I'm nervous about calling and worried about weather I'm doing the right thing.
It feels right.
Do you really think I'm surrounded by abusers?
This dude told me tonight- when he was drunk (like my father so its triggering for me), that he finds it hard to believe partner was like this all along.
Im not trying to gain others validation. I know they dont understand.
I only said it because he said his behaviour shocked him lately and that he finds it very weird.
He told me he doesnt believe me (when i said that), but that, that doesnt mean he isn't supportive.
He hasnt been supportive.
He has let me stay and said if i wanna talk he is here- but i cant talk to him.
He doesn't understand narc abuse and he doesnt match the fact that I'm going to a refuge for domestic violence to what partner has done.
But hi saying he doesnt believe me - and i told him he doesnt need to and that its understandable that he wouldnt , as i never saw it which is why i stayed with X, ) ..but that that doesnt meant he isn't supportive, is not being supportive.
This is not an environment in which i feel supported.
I feel trapped and ignored and inside my own head which i want to get away from. Its hard to sleep.
I am feeling increasingly isolated and alone - today when i got back was difficult, and he said it whilst drunk...and i knew that he wouldnt believe me if i told, which is why i didnt- but still- it really really hurts.
Im so angry and sad.
I dont know how I'm ever going to get over this, and i dont want to fall into a dark hole. It is what it is, but the environment isn't helping, and maybe that means that X would have done.
I need to get away and go to somewhere where I'm believed and supported, because I *am* telling the absolute truth, just not all of the truth, as those in my life dont understand and wont believe me.
It is making me miserable to be here. I just want to feel safe.

Sorry for the ramble. I just feel so stuck.

Thank you so much Duch, for being here. 

[Sienna]

This is to Kizzie, about your post to me last christmas.
I dont know why i didnt reply...i remember reading it, but i dont remember reading the bottom, which doesnt mean i didnt.
I wanted to say thank you very much for writing.

I am sorry that you had a flashback out of the blue.
Thank you for helping me to feel better - and that its not my fault that i didnt prepare enough.
I prepared in my own little way...but no, you cant prepare. Things come up, and looking back- things were extremely stressful on the lead up to xmas with narc X.
I do hope you were ok, and that you were able to get through it in the best way you could. I hope you had support if you wanted it.
Its so great that you posted here, and i hope you were able to take your flashback down.

A few weeks ago after T season, after X breaking up with me..it hit me big time that the past was effecting the present. It is all patterns and T helped me to see - / validated what i already knew, that i repeated a pattern- and with her validation, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. 
It feels huge and I'm so angry, so i hear you on that one, and i am sorry that it is this way.

Key for me is the notion that the grief and fear will subside and not overwhelm me as they once did.
Yes, i think we get better in time, at learning how to handle really difficult feelings / emotional flashbacks.

Perhaps a positive thought to hand onto is that you have won in that you are here, you are speaking up and you are recovering although I know it doesn't feel that way right now.  I like to think of it as symbolically giving the finger to the PD folks in our lives who sought to keep us down. "Take that, you did NOT beat me, so there!"  -
I like this a lot. I needed to hear this right now.
Im angry (feeling pageful) at what may others have done to me, not to sound like a martyr, I'm angry that its so unfair, i dont want to be powerless or feel that way, and that they get to walk around free and even cause more damage behind your back with out any repercussion.
That is their repercussion.
They dont deserve punishment if they were treated badly too and that made them the way they are...but they cant go around treating people badly. Their pay back is living a life of denial as they will never change because they dont see it and dont want to.

Thanks kizzie for being here and I'm sorry i missed your post and was not able to be here for you at xmas. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you Duch, serously- for encouraging me to call the refuge again. I have two others in this city that i can call. I just hope they take me and I'm nervous about calling and worried about weather I'm doing the right thing.
It feels right.
Do you really think I'm surrounded by abusers?

I did word it a bit strong.
I think the people you are staying with at he moment are not abusers in the sense X is abusive, or your FOO is abusive. These are the main abusers I was referring to, and it's important you make clear to te shelters you are 'surrounded by abusers'. Which you are, you didn't flee without good cause.
Your drunk friend, and the boundary violation of drinking your birthday present, might not be 'abusive' in the sense for a shelter, but given your current situation, your triggers etc. you experience, flashback to abuse at the moment.

In the rest of your post you make pretty clear, to me at least, why a women shelter where they have experience with domestic violence would be so valuable for you. Your friends naturally are limited in the comfort they can offer. The sooner you could get a place in a shelter, the sooner your friends can be 'just friends' again, if you know what I mean.

So I think your friends are fine, but the 'drunk episode' just shows how quickly an itself pretty harmless situation can be an anxious experience for you. I do want to make clear I'm not minimizing the 'drunk episode' at all, by the way. There is nothing wrong with you feeling anxious in that particular case. You have good cause for not feeling safe in situations like that.

Take care,