Relationship with Sister and Digging into the Past.

[wingnut]

I'm working with my therapist on some severe anxiety issues that I had as a child. It was part of my trauma and given the unhealthy homestead, was never a topic of discussion except for shameful and embarrassing ones.

My sister is 10 years older and I am tempted to email her for some insight as to what she observed. My parents have died so she's my only historic info source, but due to 1400 miles between us and some recent disagreements, we aren't so close any more. This is tough because no one has ever talked to me about it and it feels like I'm breaking the dysfunctional code by bringing it up. Also, she can get preachy and judgmental which also scares me. Follow up questions from her when I do share feel gossipy versus compassionate. I'm not sure I'll get support but rather more negativity so I was thinking of prefacing it with the fact that I'm in therapy, not looking for advice, just observations. (Eek! Vulnerability! ) When mentioned previously that I was going back to therapy I got a "been there done that" response but she has much more unresolved crap to deal with (she can truly fall into "woe was me and I had it worse than anyone" mode when we talk childhood) so I hesitate to tell her but I think she could learn a lot about PTSD and how it has impacted her. While we did grow up with the same parents, things had degraded quite a bit by the time I came along. She does carry a lot of the same goo.

She wants to be closer but her attitude keeps me at bay. Pouring all of this out could give her more insight to me - or totally piss me off!! She  has no clue of the things that happened to me because she was gone by the time I was 8.

My primary goal is to get to the anxiety issues and what was going on in the adult side of the house. Ultimately the answer is that my parents never did anything because my problems were caused by them and they wouldn't want to admit that. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. It could simply be to bring the topic into the open and quit tiptoeing around the topic. But is there anything to gain 45 years later? It's my issue not hers and she probably never thinks about it.

I would appreciate thoughts on what folks believe is the best approach here - raise it or let it lie. Thank you!

[Dutch Uncle]

Ouch! Tough one, and a triggering one for me.
But hey, I'm answering you, so that's all OK.
My sister is 6 years older then me, and we have been talking about FOO-doo for all I can remember, which has in the end turned me off. I've gone NC with her. Would have liked it to be different though, so I'll give you my take on it anyway.
I might be a bit biased though  .

it feels like I'm breaking the dysfunctional code by bringing it up.

You are (if you do bring it up). For better or worse. It can go either way.

Also, she can get preachy and judgmental which also scares me. Follow up questions from her when I do share feel gossipy versus compassionate. I'm not sure I'll get support but rather more negativity

Check. This is how my contact with uHPDsis was like. Ugh

so I was thinking of prefacing it with the fact that I'm in therapy, not looking for advice, just observations. (Eek! Vulnerability! ) When mentioned previously that I was going back to therapy I got a "been there done that" response

Check.

but she has much more unresolved crap to deal with (she can truly fall into "woe was me and I had it worse than anyone" mode when we talk childhood)

Check.

so I hesitate to tell her but I think she could learn a lot about PTSD and how it has impacted her.

I've given up about 'teaching' sis anything. "woe was me and I had it worse than anyone", comes to mind. She doesn't like input from me. I'm still her baby brother, and she is my big, more adult, more wise, more experienced sis. Perhaps even my 'better' mom.  I really have the feeling she still sees me as the 'little brother' (of 12) and not as the 50-odd man I'm now. We can't 'level' so to speak. When we obviously are 'level' by now.

She wants to be closer but her attitude keeps me at bay.

Check. She says she wants to be closer. But she doesn't move, and I'm not really allowed to come nearer too.

Pouring all of this out could give her more insight to me - or and totally piss me off!! She  has no clue of the things that happened to me because she was gone by the time I was 8 12.

Check (bolding/editting mine)

My primary goal is to get to the anxiety issues and what was going on in the adult side of the house. Ultimately the answer is that my parents never did anything because my problems were caused by them and they wouldn't want to admit that. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. It could simply be to bring the topic into the open and quit tiptoeing around the topic. But is there anything to gain 45 years later? It's my issue not hers and she probably never thinks about it.

(bolding mine)

I think this is the central question, and you already partly answered it.
Whether you contact her or not, it will remain your issue.
Speaking with her about it could make your 'task' easier. But also it could make it harder and more complex. Or it might not have any effect either way.

It might be a good idea to first pursue the question "what am I looking for?" (with sis). Probably with your therapist as an aid.
And when you've found an answer to that: will contact with my sis bring what I'm looking for closer to fulfillment?

To me, it looks like you have many reservations to contacting your sis, about this subject, at this point in time. Pay attention to that.

Hey, it's already been 45 years. What's the rush  ? (I do understand the urge though. But that is a different thing)
"Raise it" when you feel ready. Now does not seem a good time, reading this.
Perhaps it doesn't need any raising.

Good luck, you'll make the right choice anyway. 

[wingnut]

Thank you. Much of what you say makes good sense and I appreciate hearing from someone in a similar dynamic. My sis would still tell me to look both ways when crossing the street if she could.

I think somewhere inside there is a part of me that just wishes, "hey, can I get a little recognition/validation here from *someone* in the family that that * was just wrong?"

So. Back to self parenting which is probably better than setting myself up.

[wingnut]

You're right.  Part of me wishes she could join me on my journey but I realize I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  She doesn't really 'know' me which is really a shame. Based on past experience she would be dismissive or fall into the 'my path was harder than your path' game and I'd walk away sad and dejected.  Maybe someday she'll reach.out but as we continue to get old, it doesn't seem to be realistic.

[Dutch Uncle]

(If I may so blunt)

[wingnut]

Thanks y'all!