Apathy

[Jdog]

Hi-

I have noticed that sometimes (now, for instance) following a steep climb out of the land of triggers I develop apathy toward aspects of my daily life.  I was able to get through a panic attack early this morning, needed to come to terms with a family issue (with coaching from therapist via email), and even found a silver lining in the clouds at the end of the EF.  Now, however, I cannot seem to re engage with my "normal" life very well and find that Inwant to escape via any possible avenue.  Fortunately, I don't do alcohol any longer but overeating sure catches me and holds on tight.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has found this apathy and escapist tendency once an EF is over.

[fairyslipper]

Yes, I have felt that too. I look at it more like this now. You know how when someone very close to you dies.......your body goes into a state of shock so you can go through everything ahead? I feel like after going through what you described, it wears us out on pretty much every level and our body shuts down in a sense to protect us until we feel stronger. For me that apathy can last anywhere from a day to even a week depending on what has happened that I feel has triggered it. I used to try to push through it and that only made it worse. Now I pay attention and baby myself and it seems to work through in its own time. 

Getting through a panic attack is huge and takes a ton of energy and then to have the insight to see a silver lining shows fantastic attitude and strength. In a sense you have been put through the wringer emotionally and physically and the apathy is just your "self" calling for a time out.

As far as the escapist thing.......YES  For whatever reason comforting tv shows of which I have a couple on DVD's and certain foods help. I just go with it. I have realized they run their course and all is well again. It is hard but unfortunately part of this process. 

[Jdog]

Fairyslipper-

That is a big help.  I especially appreciated your comment about escapist tendencies "running their course", because they make me feel out of control and I hate that.  I appreciate your having taken the time to empathize and respond so thoughtfully.

[Kizzie]

Instead of escapism maybe it would help us to think of the lethargy as true, deep weariness from which we need to recharge or rejuvenate. EFs are profoundly exhausting and it just seems more compassionate and validating with respect to what they take to get through and recover from.

[Jdog]

  thanks for that, Kizzie.  I struggle with most forms of self compassion, jumping to self criticism and shame very easily.  There are legitimate reasons that I (and others) have for trying to put distance between self and pain and lethargy as well as overeating are both ways of accomplishing that.  Adaptive or maladaptive, I suppose it does little good to do the shame/blame thing to myself. 

Every moment is unique and offers a new chance to come into contact with the true goodness within me.  So it shall be.

[woodsgnome]

Sometime it seems apathy is actually the only sure road to safety. The wrongness, shame, or discomfort with that may stem from our immediate troubles, or EF's, and the cycle of powerlessness bowls us over. We want to reach for hope and instead find more struggle. And fighting it can then trap us in ways we may not even realize.

There's a lot of internal (infernal?) messaging involved, ranging from bad caregiver/role models to the commercial nature of the culture around us. The message (sometimes just implied) is to never be wanting, always strive to make this happen or acquire that, and you're really bad if you don't get with it. Meanwhile, you're done in, and when the natural apathy tries to compensate, you're just not supposed to accept that; someone will surely disapprove and if you don't shape up, you're in for it.

Apathy can actually help one recover from these messages and finding the inner self--and the self-compassion that resides there, if given a chance. It's comforting, yet some would say we don't deserve that? Instead of the bad vibes I think the apathy is a signpost pointing us back to the elusive self-love we've had all along.

[Jdog]

That's quite a positive spin on apathy.  I will give it some thought.  I think it is true that we are stigmatized for doing anything other than constantly strive for improvement.  Maybe part of apathy is this turning inward and giving space to the idea that we are already enough, no need to strive for more.

Thank you!