FEAR of not being in control ....

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello
For a long time now I have struggled with fear and control symptoms to try and elevate that fear - and that the things that I do/ think about seem to create more fear - a vicious cycle-
I have to admit I'm getting a tad bored/ exasperated with it now -
My first memories would be when I was a young teen and I would have rituals such as saying a rhyme when I went to the toilet - as I had a fear of rats coming up the toilet ! I would also line things up in my room although my mother instilled this one - I learnt relaxation techniques at a young age from a magazine and would do them before I went to sleep ..
In my early 20s I became v mentally unwell and would have major panic attacks ..
As I've got into recovery for addictions over the past 5 yrs I have noticed that my feelings of not being in control have become in some ways more prevalent - it seems strange as in other ways I feel secure and know who I am much more ...
Since putting down food addiction I very much see that I am now experiencing some things that were covered up by the food -almost a reliving of the climate that was my family home all
Those yrs ago -
The most distressing of those is feeling overwhelmed that I am not in control of life and my mind works over time to try and find ways of things I need to do ( as in every day tasks ) in order to feel more in control.. The thing is it doesn't matter 'how I make lists and tell myself that everything is in order - it doesn't take away 'the fear' and my fear --
I have always seemed to focus on the 'things that I need to do and tonight I had an ephipany that it's not the things it's to do with my anxiety of feeling frightened ..
When I talk to other people in recovery they say they understand but I don't get a sense that they do-
I have my last session with child trauma therapist next week and it doesn't really feel appropriate to bring this up now ( I don't know why I failed to bring it as an issue to the sessions ? It's seems I forgot - the last session is about reflection
Can anyone relate to what I am explaining here ? And / or offer any context to it -
I do have a sense that something bad is going to happen and I know that fits into the medical model of 'anxiety disorder -
What I would like to understand is how what I describe fits into cptsd and what can be done to calm myself work with these experiences -
My therapist has given me a link to compassionate mind website which I am yet to look at and cbt resources -
I do meditation everyday and practise a spiritual way of life -
I am yet to buy Pete walkers book so if anyone knows if that is relavent to what I am explaining here or other resources / ways I would appreciate hearing about them
Many thanks and I wish u well x

[PaintedBlack]

Hey Boat, you've been through a lot since a child.  I also had/have a lot of leftover psychological problems because of my mom.  They were worst when I was 16-30ish, have been getting better.  But they're still bad.

As I've got into recovery for addictions over the past 5 yrs I have noticed that my feelings of not being in control have become in some ways more prevalent

I think this is sort of the "onion" thing.  My major issue (it seemed) was depersonalization.  Over the past year I have made unbelievable progress in healing from DP --- and now some of my other problems from my 20s and 30s have sort of re-emerged.  So now I am working on dealing with those issues instead of dissociating.  Maybe your control issues were causing (somewhat) your addictions, and now you are being forced to deal with the control issues in a new better way than that.  It could seem like a regression, but maybe it's not. 

What I would like to understand is how what I describe fits into cptsd and what can be done to calm myself work with these experiences -

I definitely think it's one facet of the complicated, layered, confusing, all encompassing CPTSD.  One layer comes off, you find out what layer is underneath.

It's so awesome that you've done well in dealing with your food addiction isn't it?  If you can make progress in that area, you can make progress in another.  When we are dependent on our caregivers, we had no control.  Getting away from them, is so wonderful, but then we are terrified that we will loose our control.  That something will disappear, or change, because WE KNOW IT CAN.  We know you can't count on ANYTHING.  We were shown that as children and we know that around every corner, we could find that nothing is like we think it is, and everything can change!  People we love and trust can turn on us.... or die, or worse.  We know it, right?  It happened to us over and over!! So we try to stay on top of everything, worry about everything, expect the worst always.  And we know we shouldn't be that way, so we try not to be, and when we succeed a bit, well then there is a new thing to fear - that we will not be as successful at it tomorrow.  So um yeah I get it!

My therapist has given me a link to compassionate mind website

I'm not familiar with it but after a little googling it seems that it is about loving yourself, being compassionate to yourself (and others maybe).

I am yet to buy Pete walkers book so if anyone knows if that is relavent to what I am explaining here

Now, I am just beginning to look at my own problems in the CPTSD context, as I just got done with a year of looking at them in the depersonalization context.  But I am on the fourth chapter of Pete Walker's book, and I can relate a lot of what I've read to your post.

- He has already mentioned more than once eating disorders, being a consequence of CPTSD and an escape route for our flight/fight response system

- There is a lot there about loving one's self, which has been something I've been heading toward understanding for about 6 months now.  Essentially, we have taken care of ourselves, we know ourselves best, we know how hard we've tried and how we've survived, we are the ones who have the ability to love ourselves and show compassion to ourselves better than anyone else.  Since your therapist recommended something similar, I think Pete Walker's book is perfect for you because, he has the whole CPTSD disorder in mind and helps put this part of healing right where it belongs with the rest of our problems so you know how it fits.

- Regarding control, he talks about the fact that we are now in control of our own life, is comforting and should make us feel better.  He has these steps for handling EFs, and step 2 is

Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

At psychotherapy.net there is a page which is kind of like the clif notes of the book... it is here:  https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd-walker-book#section--attachment-disorder-and-complex-ptsd and another article about CPTSD here: http://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd.  Reading these will give you an idea about what's in the book.

Right now in the book I'm on a part about the Inner Critic.  That is the part of ourselves that "catastrophizes" everything.  It has helped me tremendously to understand this "entity" and I have caught myself saying (out loud sometimes) Hey, is that you, Inner Critic? lol.  Then I sort of try to converse with it and correct it, get it to go a bit easier on me.

I hope this gives you some ideas about the book and a more positive frame of reference for this new problem.  If you decide to read the book I will love to discuss anything from it with you here on the forums.

Meanwhile, here's a big hug

Really, do try to give yourself a break.  Look how hard you've been trying and how much you've accomplished.  Sometimes I just say to myself, "Jenny, you are going to give yourself a break from thinking for ONE HOUR and then you can get back to it."  This I started doing a few years ago.  How much can you possibly change in one hour?  What might be lost if you wait one hour, then get back to thinking and worrying?  Not much and it gives you a well deserved break.  Because we try so hard to fix everything in our heads.  Sometimes you have to rest from it.

((hug))

[Jdog]

BSR - I totally understand what you are saying about needing to feel in control of stuff and running into walls as you try one thing after another in order to tamp down the fear.

What amazing and soothing advice you have received from PB and BH!  I also recommend Pere's books and website - spent the better part of last year immersed in his writing and still go back to reread it on a monthly basis.  As BH says, try to remember how far you have come in your awareness and the work you have done with overcoming addictions.  Giving yourself breaks is also an excellent bit of advice.  Maybe even break your breaks into baby steps - coukd you try 10 minutes at first?

For me, this all rings so true.  I am compulsive about organizing some stuff (not all - witness the piles of books on my home office floor) and sometimes being compulsive serves me well enough.  I think it is important to look at not only the fear I/we are escaping from but also the value of having some of those habits.  Some of the "running" did or does serve a helpful purpose in our lives.  The maladaptive type, such as overeating or numbing out with substances is at least a strategy which distances us from pain and fear.  Comes a time when we make the decision to feel the pain and fear and ditch the addictions.  That takes real courage. It sounds like you have that type of courage.

I wrote to my therapist yesterday that coming out of a panic attack feels just like being in an elevator that finally lands on an actual floor.  It is having my supports (in the form of the therapist, close friends within whom to confide, books and this forum) that allows me to be less afraid of my fear.  Supports are my elevator cable.  I still feel afraid, still have maladaptive as well as adaptive responses to fear, and still wish the fear would just leave me alone.  But I'm learning how to be less afraid of fear, and you will also.

Thanks for posting about this important topic.  It is a key element of cptsd.  Be safe, and know that others are traveling the path of recovery along with you.

[Liliuokalani]

Oh my god I'm so glad you posted this! I totally just remembered that when I was like five and six years old I did this amazingly lengthy series of rituals because I was petrified that there were monsters in my closet and under my bed. I did this long string of goodnight phrases to my parents, I made sure to jump onto the bed from what I considered to be a safe distance, I would say things to the monsters before I fell asleep, I would make sure my closet door was closed tightly. When I had to have my door closed because I needed a humidifier I was terrified I would look at my reflection in the door mirror and see something behind me. I was afraid of the dark and silence at night. My parents would wake up if a pin dropped so we all had to be really quiet. If we got up to go to the bathroom or read a book because of insomnia, my mom would comment on it the next day in a stern manner. It was like being in a jail and I think I needed to do something to take back control. I was shocked when I would go to other friends houses and see their siblings out and about in the house in the middle of the night getting a snack or chatting online. What? You're allowed out of your room at night? I don't understand. Now that I live on my own I need constant noise. I HATE silence.

I am a TOTAL control freak now. I hate feeling like there are not problems I can immediately solve with a bit of research and hard work. I hate the things that are out of my hands. I hate when I have to wait for problems to be solved. It is actually really helping me to create some new rituals I hope are healthy ones. Reading a section of the Pete Walker book about common inner critic attacks and the thought-correction response. When you first read them you're like, I'm never going to believe these, but repeat them a bunch and they start to stick I think. I'll give you the part that seems to help me most... you are not in any life threatening danger. We hold a lot of fears within the construct of the culture in which we live, but in the end, you're alive, aren't you? No one is going to murder you. That and "I will work in a way that is 'good enough' and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not." You try your best and that's it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Perfectionism and controlling, rituals, micromanaging, there is absolutely nothing that is going to make you perfectly safe. But you are safe. I don't like the phrase "do or do not, there is no try." That's from Star Wars I think? There is only try.

I have that book on kindle and have downloaded it to every electronic reading instrument I possess including my phone for emergencies. I have that section bookmarked and even made it a separate document with a bunch of screenshots so I could easily access that section whenever I needed it. I don't know the best ways to get over this either, just trying stuff out to see what happens. I need to meditate more for sure. I don't think I put enough faith in my unconscious mind making changes, I think I'm convinced everything has to be a long and difficult road because that's the way things have always been. Like when you sleep, your brain is organizing your thoughts for you! I just wish I could actually get a good night's sleep. And not have to always have the tv on in the background for fear the silence will eat me alive.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u all for your replies so helpful and affirming
I will reply to all in time

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u lili - I don't feel so alone with these replies
Yes night was a big one for me too - and I'd do rituals.. Fear was always but worse at night - I used to sleep walk a lot too really odd experience and I can remember it so vividly - doing something not being in control but then being able to remember it ! Urrr shudder
Yep and the phrases and I did rhymes all to try and aid my fears and anxiety
Thank u for sharing about Pete walker book - and am pleased to say both those themes I have been working with lately -
' I am safe is my new mantra and really helps
And I am good enough
Letting go of perfectionism is/ has been huge for me and am very glad to start allowing it to run to the hills -
Control issues seem to be calming a bit too - life in its creative organic form is so much more enjoyable
Meditation is so effective I can't quite believe its value -
There is an app called 'headspace ' which I would recommend - it is mindfulness training and u can get the 1st level for free ( and I found that was all I needed -
It clears the mind - works with the breath and programmes the mind to calm - very enjoyable and easy to do
For me the answers lie in simple things sometimes which is a blessing when the problem is complex
Best wishes 

[Jdog]

BSR-

I love the way in which you take ideas and integrate them into a new piece for yourself....like making a beautiful quilt.  May your patience, courage, and the sustaining power of connection with positive forces lift you up and keep you safe.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you jdog 
I always feel I'm not using creativity - but I see I do
I love being in recovery it gives such a solid foundation to me - one I was looking for for so long ...
This forum is definitely a positive force and so rich. Feel v lucky to have found it ..
I can't believe there are so many who have such similar experiences and are working so well to heal and develop theirselves it is very inspiring and creates such hope and strength
'Look to this day,
For it is life
The very life of life
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence
The bliss of growth
The splendor of action
The glory of power

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision
But today well lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope

Look well, therefore to this day

Sanskrit proverb
By kalidasa
Indian poet and playwright
Fifth century ad

[Jdog]

BSR-

Very, very lovely Sanskrit poem!  Perhaps you are familiar with Aamerican Buddhist nun Pema Chodron.  She has written a number of books, and I keep coming back to the Pocket Pema Chodron on my kindle app.  Was rereading the opening bits this morning about Bodhichitta, the Sanskrit word meaning "noble or awakened heart."  Here is a brief quote from Pema:

"It is said that in difficult times, it is only Bodhichitta that heals.  When inspiration has become hidden, whe we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing can be found in the tenderness of pain itself.  This is time to touch the genuine heart of Bodhichitta.  In the midst of loneliness, in the midst of fear, in the middle of feeling misunderstood and rejected is the heartbeat of all things, the genuine heart of sadness.  Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not dis colored or harmed, in the same way this nobel heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming."
Pema says a who,e lot more, in very bite-sized morsels.  I just thought this bit spoke to me this morning and wanted to share.

[PaintedBlack]

For me the answers lie in simple things sometimes which is a blessing when the problem is complex

Amen to that!  I am finding this too, was a huge surprise to me!  I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better.