[fairyslipper]

I have a real sensitivity to people who when you share something you are going through good or bad, seem to try to derail the conversation and make it all about them. Example: (Me)We have been having some major flooding in town and I feel bad for the people who are losing their homes again so soon after the last flood. (Them) I know how you feel - it has rained here a couple times this week and it is really humid.........
(Me) We just got back from looking at a house for sale that we are super interested in. It is a really cute Victorian painted yellow and white. (Them) That reminds me of when I was little I used to spend the night at my aunt's house. I think it was yellow too. I slept in the upstairs bedroom with my cousin Kelly or was it Susan I can't remember but yes yellow houses are one of my favorite. My aunt lived in the country and her house was so much fun............. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........this stuff makes my blood boil. I have been sick for a couple weeks now and am just now starting to feel better and these types are all about the time THEY got sick 5 years ago. It is like a competition and I don't even want to answer them. I am just getting my energy back. They have asked how I am doing and then use it as a launch to be about everything they have ever had. In the past I would find myself not feeling good and trying to validate THEM. I have been doing so much healing work I am DONE with that.  I know part of it is that my N mom used to constantly do this. Anything I had she had better or worse depending on the situation. And so many conversations got turned around to be about her. I hated it. This one friend of mine does it so much I have been seriously distancing myself from her and have been feeling much better having WAY less contact.  She talks over me and so often doesn't even respond to things I say about me or my family in messages anymore. I have almost completely quit responding to her.  I feel like just being done with all of them. I love to listen and I do care about others sincerely...but boy if/when my turn comes to talk and this happens repeatedly it makes me so upset. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I think a lot if might also be the healing work I have been doing and I am finally really seeing them for their true colors.......still not there 100% tho and just looking for some feedback.  Thank you 

[Dutch Uncle]

First of all: you're not being too sensitive. You are exactly as sensitive as you are. Not 'too much', and not 'not enough'.
( that's a mantra I have to say to myself sometimes, when I get labeled as too sensitive. Or am I now doing exactly what you cannot stand? If so, let me know)
But I do believe the mantra is a right way to approach these things. I hope it helps.

It's a tricky subject for me, and definitely a trigger for me.

I've found that what you describe happens a lot. I think it's probably due to the fact that so few people get actually 'an education' in having conversations. What you describe is 'having a talk'. Which is something completely different.
And yeah, it's bloody annoying when this happens. I've found in general that people have a hard time to show genuine interest in 'the other' and they in general talk a lot about themselves.
If it's a co-worker or the person next-to-you-in-the-bus it can already be a drag, but when it's somebody you consider 'close' (a friend, family, the co-worker with whom you've already shared an office with for 6 years) it can be infuriating.

Probably the best thing to do is to acknowledge your sensitivity and annoyance when it happens and take the cue: that person is not the right person at that time to share your 'stuff' with. (perhaps even: that person is never the right person to share your stuff with)
Sad, but true.

 

[keepfighting]

I think a lot if might also be the healing work I have been doing and I am finally really seeing them for their true colors.......

FWIW: I think your analysis is spot on: It's a sign of becoming aware and starting to heal. So yay! 

Next step in my healing journey was/is that I started to waste less of my time, my energy and my compassion on self absorbed people. I now preserve those precious resources to work on my own recovery and to connect to people who are kind and honest and reciprocating. Still at the beginning of that step....

[fairyslipper]

Hysperger, I love that mantra and am going to use it. Thank you for sharing it with me. I think you are right........more and more people today are so plugged into their own stuff that listening and really hearing are becoming lost arts. It is very sad and YES it is so much worse when it is someone you have listened to and considered close. Thank you for validating my feelings. That really is where I am at today. Anger was always discouraged for me in my home and even after so sometimes I guess I just need to hear that it is ok...and justified. I feel we are given these emotions for a reason and we need to pay attention to them. But sometimes old programming rears its ugly head. 

BeHea1thy thank you......and I agree. Oh my gosh that house was so cute. And yes it was. Part of the reason we are looking to move out that way.......seems a much calmer place to live. Thank you

keepfighting, I was very much feeling this -- still am. It is just new to me at this point and I don't always trust it. Thank you!!! I love what you said and that is my plan as well. It is nice honestly to even get to that place where we realize we have a choice! 

[Indigochild]

Hi fairyslipper

Trigger warning all through thread

You are in no way being too sensitive at all!!

I think most people would be annoyed by this.
Maybe you are more annoyed because it is a trigger for you?

People who do this, are showing that they don't care about:
.What you have to say
.Your feelings

By saying they understand, or that they feel exactly the same way, or I know how you feel...you can not know completley how someone else feels because you are not *them*, even if you have experienced a similar feeling to that person
You can understand...have empathy, but to openly state that you know how they feel - i wouldnt say that.

When you say something and someone doesnt ask a question back, to show that they are interested in what youve just said, yes that is annoying.
I do think that sometimes, it is just the way conversation is.
Someone will say something, and someone else will go OH YES!!!
that reminds me of....
or ...that happened to me!!

If you have been invalidated in childhood, ignored, not listened to, had your experiences not acknowledged and or minimised, or had self absorbed parents, then dealing with others in conversations is really difficult.

You know what? It makes my blood boil too!
It probably comes from my parents. Feelings were not allowed. Invalidation. Dad talks over me. Dad will ask me a question, then go on about himself and how he is suffering (which he is but its not the point).

I volunteer at a place for people who are blind and visually impaired, and all of them have something to moan about. I work with one incredibly self absorbed man, such a martyr, the youngest in his line of ten brothers.
My vision not being perfect has always been minimised by blind people, as I'm not totally blind (but regstered as), and its majorly triggering. Goes back to issues around that with parents.

So yes. Everything else is alway worse for other people!!! *bull ----*.
The people who do not moan, and have been through so much, seem to get ignored because they pretend they are ok, and try to act normal socially.
Its not fair. We are strong, and we can find someone in this world who will not invalidate and who will just listen and understand. Theres got to be someone.
You do not need people in your life who use asking how you are artificially for their own gain.
I am sorry your attracting people like your mum. But this is not your fault.
You attract people over and over until you understand and know how to correct this.

Don't know if this is the case, and I'm really not meaning to invalidate at all:
Because of your mums parenting- continued onto you as a result of her parenting, it is undertandable that you may have similar feelings as your mum does about herself, deep inside you, because you both received similar parenting.
You mum longed to be acknowledged, thus didnt acknowledge you, and now you are feeling the same.
I myself find that sometimes, i am unreasonable as i get triggered at things that are not meant to hurt me, but thats not my fault.

I have to ask...are you seeing a therapist or have you ever considered it...as you said you are doing healing work?

I think that even if your are a lovely person, and care about others, which sounds exactly what you are like, and even if you understand that other people have issues, there comes a limit.
I know that you don't care about others to get something in return, but when people start abusing your kind nature like this, there has to be a stop button.
You should take a step or about 10 steps back from these sorts of people and start focusing on your *self*.
Find out who you are and nurture how you feel. There is a child inside of you who needs to be heard, and perhaps you are pushing her away by letting others invalidate and ignore your feelings and what you have to say.
Its time to turn the focus back on you.
I know this is easier said than done.

Just one more thing-
You are angry at the people in the present, but i think you are really angry at your mum, but you perhaps havent tapped into that anger completely?
Usually we are angry at the present SO MUCH because we are angry with out parents.

Writing this thread makes me feel so empowered. Thank you for posting this.

You are not alone in this struggle and annoyance at others behaving this way.
You should be proud to be who you are , and to be a person who is so kind and caring towards others and a great ear for others.
You did what you had to do growing up and thats something to be proud of.
Now its your time. 

[Whobuddy]

There must be a correct balance in conversations. A balance I am far from achieving. I think it is progress that I have discovered this much.

I am sad to say that I could have been one of Fairyslippers bad examples of 'Them.' Overshare. Verses undershare. My M was an undersharer. Never said anything about herself. Could get others talking about their lives and she would stay in the conversation by asking more and more questions. Leaving me to realize that I don't really know M. I guess I thought there would be some great Reveal later on. But now as she is growing older I have resigned myself to never knowing the who's or why's about M. No explanations for our crazy life in my childhood.

M didn't have friends. I think it may have been due to fact that she did not share and identify with people in a conversation. So when people are talking to me I am doing things in my head to try and determine when, if, and what I should share. Most of  the time missing the mark. Honestly, sometimes I am truly not interested in what they are telling me.

This and many, many other things are mysteries to me. No clue as to what is normal. If anyone out there has some good guidelines, I would appreciate them. And sorry I am being a 'Them' yet again.

[Indigochild]

Hey Whobuddy

You have absolutely no reason on earth to apologise!!
Its totally ok!

I was just validating Fairyslipper and how she must feel, but i am not on the side of the people who don't feel listened to by others who also have issues themselves.
I can see two sides, and even though I am too afraid to talk to anyone about how I feel, I am most of the time screaming inside to be heard, its my turn!!!
I can totally see and understand why someone would NEED to talk about themselves and their feelings.

Its all the same issue- i think anyway.
It is that we were not heard, seen, validated in childhood.
So what do you do now?
Well, there are 2 ends of the spectrum.
Either, you stay quiet and resentful when other share too much, or share a little at all, or you tell your story, or tell your feelings, or talk too much....
whatever if may be, they are all coping mechanisms.

I am thinking if there was anyone else in your life who overshared? Maybe you saw this as a way to survive? Or if you had a mum who under shared, maybe you find it hard to be close to her? Therefore in order to develop relationships with other people, you thought that you had to tell them everything...there are reasons for everything.
Oh yes, and perhaps your mum taught you to overshare by encouraging you to, as she needed to focus on you, to avoid sharing herself with you?
No wonder you overshare...im thinking that maybe your afraid you'll be like your mum and have no friends if you keep yourself to yourself?
People can also do this to try to get their needs met.

With me, my dad was quiet, kept to himself, afraid of my mum.
My mum was more dominent, Narc...but I'm sure she was codependent like by dad, but the avoidant codependent. So she never talked about herself and definatley not her feelings.
She was very closed off.
So maybe this is where i learnt to stay quiet, as well as the invalidation and all that crap.

I am so sorry you never knew your mum and that you might not ever be able to. I know that is very painful.
And you know what lovely?
I do think that balance is hard to achieve for most people. People need to learn people skills, its a shame they don't teach it in school, but if youve had a bad upbringing, of course it would be difficult to get that balance.

There is no need to be sorry for being a *them* at all!
Everyone deals with things differently. It makes you unique to you. You are special, and have problems, you have had problems, and you are trying to deal the best way you can.

Im sorry i don't have any advice.
(i dont overshare, but i do struggle when falling for someone, and this happened with a woman i saw as a mother figure)

Take care, and i hope you wont be too hard on yourself 

ps. you were very brave to post this and share your truth and I'm glad you did x

[Whobuddy]

Thank you for your kindness, Indigo.

You have given me a lot of food for thought.

[Indigochild]

No problem Whobuddy

I hope thats a good thing that i have made you think...

Of course your welcome to come back and offload. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes I relate !! I had this problem for a long time ..
I see it now as not being able to assert myself -- being too good a listener -- choosing people who were self absorbed and fear of taking up space --

My therapist says relating is like a game and I feel I am finally in the stakes for winning

It's good to be there and listen to others but are they there for me when I need care ? Can they be there are they capable --
When I woke up to how people really irritated me with there selfishness I knew it was time to ditch some people but then I was left with the issue of ' how do I not choose the same kind of people
I spoke about this in therapy and heard myself say 'it's like the very person I'm drawn to I should choose another person nearby any person - if have a better chance of not choosing someone who can't give --
That seems to be when things changed for me ( this is recently it happened ) I now appear to have a better radar and am able to assess things before I get in to deep
I wish u all the best -- it's a really good bit of the recovery to get and sounds like you are becoming more aware and can take it forward

[Boatsetsailrose]

Oh and I found out that my 'politeness ' was getting me no where a shame but a fact
Examples of this - I would listen to someone for ages as I didn't want to interrupt
I would be fully present and nod in all the appropriate places
I would talk only a little to allow the other more time
I felt v uncomfortable sharing anything about myself

Now I am proud to say
I talk over people ( sometimes
I interrupt
change the conversation topic
I am not always fully present
I don't nod like a dog and say 'yes after everything they say
talk more about what I want to talk about
look disinterested if the person is droning on

That's not to say this is always the case - I mean with my partner I give more time and attention but still it is some of 'playing the relating game
With patients I look after I give them lots of time and attention
But with people in general I have learnt / am learning that I matter
It is v liberating
Best wishes for joining the relating game too now u stand a chance of winning

[Indigochild]

Boatsetsailrose

That does sound liberating and a place i would love to get to!!
Congratulations! 

[fairyslipper]

Thank you so much for the validation!!! I think sometimes I can go back to hearing the old tapes in my head.....you are too sensitive etc. It really helped to read all of your responses.

Boatsetsailrose.........YES! This is all of what I mean.  Thank you for adding some great food for thought. I loved your list of what you ARE doing now! Yay!!! Yes, learning that you matter. That is the bottom line. Forever we have felt like we don't matter. It feels foreign to go there, but so true about how liberating it is.

 I have still been rearranging and de-cluttering my list of friends. It is funny when  you are going through a difficult time especially, how those types just disappear. Where before I would wonder why and feel sorry for myself - now it is like good riddance, they proved what I was already thinking..........we are so much better off without them! It is nice to get to that place where we realize it too. I am feeling so much stronger.

Indigo Child thank you so much. I sat here nodding my head through all that you wrote.  You are so right. It is so nice to have a place like this to come to and talk to others that get it. You brought up SO MANY good points and observations. It is funny because part of what I did to work through the anger I had at my parents in the beginning of finding out about all of this, was get a punching bag and just go to town on it.  It was a very safe outlet for me and over time I used it less and less until I no longer felt I needed it. It was SO incredibly wonderful to just get that out. I also journal like a fool lol. I have gone to therapists on and off while working through this and it helps a lot too. I feel yes, definitely, now that  some of the anger I am feeling is about my mom and dad because these people remind me of them in their ability to ignore, make me feel invisible etc. I feel a strong almost hatred for Narc types right now and I know that is probably too strong, but I am giving myself permission to feel it if that makes sense.  Even if all I do doesn't make sense to everyone (narc types in my life)   ......I find myself not caring so much anymore.........and that is huge for me. I know the anger passed before and it will again. I loved what you said about all of this -- excellent points. Thank you!

Whobuddy, reading through your post, I really would NOT put you in the category I was talking about..........because you have the insight to think about how you interact with others, you care about how you put yourself out there and are working on making your communication style more balanced. I sense a real caring coming from you.  The people I was talking about would never do that.......it just wouldn't occur to them. Honestly I think that balance is something a lot of us are working on, having never had the experience of witnessing very much "healthy" growing up and even later in life depending on how long we stayed close to our parents. In my case it was until I was 51. At one point in my life I was painfully shy..felt like I was literally just taking up space...it was horrible. I felt very afraid to open my mouth and say anything for fear of being shot down like I was with my family of origin. Somewhere along the line something gave me some confidence and I got bolder only to unfortunately have a lot of similar experiences like I did with my family. BUT with therapy and healing work I have finally gotten to where I am now and I am not always thinking it is me who has the problem.........and I am questioning THEIR behavior. Baby steps  ;)Something I never would have done in the past. I would have felt like it was all me and just faded away. Coming here and sharing is invaluable for me while working through all of this. You are taking huge steps to understand your communication style too and that is such a giant step forward. We are all on this journey together and gradually making our way to MUCH healthier relationships. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes I can identify !
Thank u for sharing -

I started waking up to this too some time ago - before that I would be comfortable with unequal sharing as I felt to uncomfortable to let people see me -
The most painful part came when I started getting wiser and seeing it and not able to accept it like I used to
I let some friendships go too - when can see someone can't engage / doesn't seem to care what's the point ?
To me now relating is all about that balance and it takes 2 people to be in a similar place -

I don't seem to get as angry now if I meet someone who is all for themselves - I mean I have elements of being self absorbed to -- !
Maybe for others they are practising the 'don't be in the other ones space to much ' and it comes across as not caring or that person is self absorbed and can't be equal for whatever reason - the point is they are missing out on intimacy ..
And for me it's about recognising and congratulating myself that I am getting healthier and seeking more equal relating -
It's a dance to be enjoyed
By the same token I will come across people in life who don't relate how I want them to and I accept them and try to love them anyway - in these ' conversations' I can just observe and listen to me and what I am saying these people help me to self validate rather than expect the other to validate me ..
When I look for others to validate me I am seeking myself outside of myself - when what I need is me to validate me - for love and freedom
And any healthy connections with others is a bonus

Good luck and happy times with u new found insight ! 😀🌷

[Indigochild]

Hey Boatsetsailrose,
That is my problem too.
I just seem to attract these sorts of people, and I'm still trying to work out the numerous reasons why as I'm sure theres more than one reason.
I hope you are in the stakes for winning.
I would definitely say it was like a game, sometimes a nasty one in which you end up playing someone else's game completely unaware - but no more for me.

It is ok to be here for others, they may have issues, struggling like us, whatever- but if they are hurting you, not respecting you, etc etc, i have learnt that in order for them to know there disordered behaviour is not ok, you need to tell them, or with draw, if they are not listening and if they are unable to change.
And- if they are not respectful and here for us with out issues. Its a two way street, and whilst two wrongs don't make a right, you have to protect yourself. Some people are too much in deniel to see that they are hurting others, and that isn't our fault. We can be here for them, but to a degree, sometimes not at all.

I am so glad you are able to assess things before they get too deep.
My T told me that I am wired up to hypervigelantly spot others who have my mums characteristics and my dads- good and bad, because my brain is trying to protect me, so i should trust my intuition and gut feelings which i always ignore, because i am right in what i am seeing, and these feelings are here to protect us.
For those that don't feel so much, / who disassociate it i hard i know.

Also, we repeat abandonment patterns, we subcontiously choose people who will re abandon us like our parents did.
It is our brains way of subcontiously trying to relive the origional trauma, in order to get it into the contours mind so that we can process it and deal with it.

We choose people we are like in some way, i have heard that if things annoy you in other people, it is actually because you have that trait in yourself- but its not always the case.
With cptsd, we could be choosing people like our parents or people who hurt us.

Also, sometimes we choose people who are opposite to us, as we subcontiously want to take traits from that other person that we do not possess, to make us complete.

I think too, that if our version of reality is ruined earlier on in life, or in a bad relationship, we choose, and put up with, people, who mis treat us, because we learn not to trust our feelings about it, and the reality of the situation or relationship.