Hi Im Kitsie

[Kitsie]

I've been in therapy for the last 5 years now.. but what got me there was a meltdown of epic proportions triggered by the ending of a relationship.

Brief history of my trauma (if that is possible).. The first trauma I remember was being getting separated from my aunt at Londons changing of the guard at age 5.. I mostly remember the panic I felt.  There were other traumatic events in my earlier years, but the standout event was being molested at age 12 by a friends uncle during a sleepover.  It was the first time I dissociated and kept the secret, only to have my friend then beat me up because I wouldn't stay friends with her.  SHe and her new friends repeatedly beat me up after school so I stopped going.  I would hide in the back yard and wait for my mother to leave for work.  I was abset from school for over 2 weeks.  I never spoke of the abuse until age 26 when I started dating a young man who I had known from elementary school and who brought up my former friend and the abuse she and her sister had endured.  It kicked me pretty hard but I didn't quite melt down.. I buried it again. 

During my early 20's while going to school, I was raped twice, threatened with rape with a knife by a date, threatened with rape by a taxi driver, and nearly strangled to death by a boyfriend.  I wasn't doing anything that would be considered risky behavior, these were just random men who had either asked me out or I knew socially.

The first stage of meltdown occured after I had met my future ex husband and started my family.  He changed drastically after my son was born and my sense of security left me.  It was during that time my anxietys and panic disorders got worse.  I left him when my son was 2 and I singled parented with him co parenting on weekends for the majority of the 16 years without any financial support due to his constant veiled threats. 

I had a few relationships after, the next one five years was with someone who clearly suffered from PSTD from childhood trauma, but he was not in therapy and he took his anger out on me when I was only trying to help him. (co dependant).  after that I dated a poly swinger guy who couldn't commit but he understood my anxieties and helped me the most in terms of understanding my own mental health issues.  The last one, absolutely destroyed me after cheating, lying and gaslighting me, it was the trigger for everything and the final straw for me and it put me in the pscych ward wondering if I was crazy.

Well, crazy is relative - but at the time I was lost, dissociated and angry.. not a good combination.  The relationship ended 7 years ago, but the meltdown over it continued for 2 years and I ended up doing things that caused the shame spiral to take hold.

Now, I am fully aware, have made the choice to remain committed to my recovery and stay away from men until I can fully trust them.  No easy task. 

I am agoraphobic, and on top of that I have a father who I have come to realise has BPD, NPD and DPD and is constantly trying to manipulate me.  He is a senior and is starting to have dementia, but I he triggers me sometimes.

Depression comes and goes, mostely hormonal now, but still.  I wish I could work but I am unreliable, so money continues to cause hardships, but I am safe, have good housing and a mother and son who love me.  I am rich.

Albeit sometimes a little lonely.  Sometimes I feel like debbie downer, and sometimes I just need to be heard.  I came here hoping to find support and like minded people who understand CPTSD.

I've discovered that because I went untreated for so long that most therapies won't work for me.  I am very accepting of who I am, but others are not so much. IF that makes any sense.

I can be quite optimistic at times, but self esteem and the negative self talk can be loud.

Thank you for listening

[Jdog]

Kitsie-

A warm welcome to you!  It does sound like you have struggled quite a bit and managed to come through with self acceptance- no easy task.  You are welcome to write here and folks will read and offer support.  We are a gentle and caring community of people all around the world who want to help and be helped by others who understand some of what it is to be recovering from trauma.

Thanks for joining our forum!

[Kitsie]

thank you for the welcoming replies.

Not to worry, my name here is not my real one.  ;-)

I appreciate the feedback already.. thank you, I should be proud of the strides I've made.. and I am..

I suppose what I need to still accomplish seems like the steep top of the mountain after climbing the majority of the way.  Acknowledging the trauma, being mindful of anxiety triggers and staying away from unhealthy relationships are all things I have done.  But being proactive about life is a lot more difficult. 

The Agoraphobia, coupled with fears surrounding trust of men in general are what stop me from finding the right kind of partner.  My mother says I should become a lesbian but you can't choose your sexuality and while I might have dappled with that as a poly swinger it just didn't work for me.  I've got some really supportive friends in my life now.  One very close female friend who is great at working with me on CBT stuff, but I am inconsistent at best and she is very patient with me.  Her concerns about me are that I push people away by telling them all my flaws up front.  I suppose in my mind the strong offense is a good defense.

Part of my issue is the over reaction to the last breakup nightmare and the subsequent warped thinking coupled with anger that caused me to do things that were very out of character.  I ended up seeking revenge and took my anger out on his truck at some point.  I wasn't charged with a crime but ended up with a warning to stay away from him.  Fair enough, It was the wakeup call I needed.  The fallout from those strange behaviours was my own psyche as I ended up with toxic shame over it.  We had a group of common friends who all found out about this and the gossip eventually got back to me and I started to avoid everyone and everything to the point that I don't ever go to the same places and lost all of my friends from the past.  Some stayed friends with me, and I suppose it was one way of seeing who was a genuine friend and who wanted to see me as the crazy ex girlfriend.  More of them see me as the crazy ex, even though I've recovered from the psychosis that led me down that path it still haunts me.  But at least I'm not a sociopath.. 

Health issues followed the toxic shame with no surprises.. I ended up with Hashimotos Thyroid Disease and a form of Lupus.  Both autoimmune diseases.  Medications made a huge difference especially the thyroid meds.  I might have been suffering for a while with thyroid symptoms and some of my anger and partial psychosis can be linked with it. 

Thankfully all of those issues are manageable now and I am losing the weight I gained taking prednisone and feeling more positive about life.  Feeling more attractive and finding myself getting offended with men who show me attention.  I am resentful about being objectified for some reason.

Maybe its because I'm 50, maybe its because I recognize how men are towards women in general (as something to attain) or maybe its because I have a higher standard and expect more from men my age, but I'm always shocked how unconscious a lot of people are.

Understanding pathology is one thing, trying not to peg everyone I meet with a diagnosis of some kind is proving more difficult.  I think everyone is flawed but conscious acceptance and awareness is the only way to navigate the murky waters of co-relations... and its tiring.

So any feedback on how to improve my self esteem without having a labotoby to erase all the bad memories is most welcome.

Thanks again