Boundaries

[keepfighting]

Growing up in a narc family system,  I never learned to set personal boundaries. I also never learned which boundaries were normal, accepted and expected. Any (feeble) attempts I made at setting boundaries in my FOO were shot down on the spot, I was being called, 'selfish', 'unreasonable', 'egotistic' and many more words that were meant to be hurtful and degrading. If words weren't enough, I got the ST until I caved and abandoned all ideas I had of setting personal boundaries. There were no locks on our doors - even the bathroom door keys were confiscated; so no privacy ever, anywhere in the house.

This week, I had a lightbulb moment:

I have to learn to set boundaries because toxic people don't have any.

For so long, I have taken my cues from other people and adapted myself so I could please them instead of listening to my own needs first. But the problem with toxic people is that they will never set boundaries and are thriving on the people who were primed (by themselves or other toxic folk) not to set boundaries, either.

So in order to make any kind of ongoing recovery possible for myself, I need to set boundaries. They don't have to be reasonable, I don't have to justify them to myself or others - they just have to make dealings with other people pleasant for myself. They don't have to be set in stone, either: different boundaries for different occasions/persons. It's about respecting myself and listening to my needs - and it's normal that they vary from occasion to occasion and between different persons. Recently, I have started to find some healthy friends and guess what - none of them ever asked for an explanation let alone a justification if I set a boundary! They have theirs, I have mine and we get along just fine. Plenty of things we have in common and are willing to share that do not involve making one another feel guilty about setting boundaries. What a relief!

For now, these are my affirmations on the issue of 'boundaries':

- You're worth the effort of negotiating new boundaries.
- Set your own boundaries because toxic people won't.
- Boundaries may vary according to your needs. Be mindful of the moment/situation you're in and the people you're with and set them as needed.
- Don't be discouraged if it takes practise before you can set effective boundaries. Observe, learn, adapt.
- Boundaries are not set in stone. Set them as you need them in order to feel safe in the situation.
- If a person rages at you for setting a personal boundary, they have exposed themselves as a toxic person. Healthy people are used to setting boundaries for themselves and have no trouble accepting yours.

[Dutch Uncle]

Recently, I have started to find some healthy friends and guess what - none of them ever asked for an explanation let alone a justification if I set a boundary! They have theirs, I have mine and we get along just fine. Plenty of things we have in common and are willing to share that do not involve making one another feel guilty about setting boundaries. What a relief!

For now, these are my affirmations on the issue of 'boundaries':

- You're worth the effort of negotiating new boundaries.
- Set your own boundaries because toxic people won't.
- Boundaries may vary according to your needs. Be mindful of the moment/situation you're in and the people you're with and set them as needed.
- Don't be discouraged if it takes practise before you can set effective boundaries. Observe, learn, adapt.
- Boundaries are not set in stone. Set them as you need them in order to feel safe in the situation.
- If a person rages at you for setting a personal boundary, they have exposed themselves as a toxic person. Healthy people are used to setting boundaries for themselves and have no trouble accepting yours.

Awesome.

I'm so happy for you that you have found some healthy friends and you have experienced that setting your boundaries is not the problem, but the people violating them.

[Kubali]

I think the first real boundary I set ( and kept) was the decision to NOT send my Nmother a birthday card. I agonised for a whole month beforehand. The fear was immense!!

That was 6/7 years ago and I have been No Contact with my FOO ever since.

Sad thing is, I was in 46 when I did it. Good thing is, I DID IT !!!!

Kubali

[mourningdove]

Great job, Kubali 

Keepfighting, thank you so much for the OP. I relate to your childhood experience with boundaries 100%. I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. I'm still struggling with boundaries and I found your post really inspiring, particularly the idea that your boundaries don't have to make sense to others. That idea is huge for me.

[FredrickaGoshlox]

I was brought up with no boundaries, discipline, manners, rules, life skills, you name it. My primary caregiver cared about two things---that my hair stay long so that boys would like me and that I only date boys of my own religion. You can imagine the mess I was when I first got married (very young to get out of the house--I had no self-esteem and felt I couldn't get out on my own). I had no idea how to take care of a house and had terrible social skills and boundaries and still sometimes offer too much, although I try to keep drama filled people OUT of my life and have done this now for fifteen years. My exception was my sister and now she is gone too. It was her idea--she had cut me off some ten times before and come back--but it is for the best.

Usually FOO is where the trauma is from and I wish I had cut my FOO off as soon as I married. They were never there for me, except fo tell me I am a bad person anyway.

It is a huge but often important boundary to deal with your FOO any way that is best for you.

Most of us probably did not learn boundaries and I know th is has haunted me in my life for a very long time. But I sadly think it is common when you grow up with chaos.

Kudos to anyone, of any age, who are finally setting boundaries and learning not to allow people to cross t hem no matter how angry they get.

[Skims]

I can totally relate. There was no privacy in my childhood home either. The worst was the bathroom. At any moment, either parent could walk in while you were showering or pottying. It was so humiliating, embarrassing especially as a teenager. Any time you shut a door in the house for privacy, oh boy you were in trouble.

[tiasarah]

My mom has recently discovered boundary setting. Unfortunately she thinks it's about setting boundaries on what I'm allowed to do with my own life.

[Boatsetsailrose]

So good to hear this and the healthy work u are doing ..

Yes I used to feel so guilty about setting a boundary and now it is getting easier --

I share a house and the woman I live with is terrible ! At boundaries ! It is a work in progress for me -- as u said toxic people don't have healthy boundaries --
This wks senarios are
' can u let me know when a guy is staying over as it makes me nervous having men in the house I don't know
Can u let me know if builders etc are coming to the house when u are not here
Please do not use my Tupperware as I said before I need it for my packed meals
I am eating right now can we speak afterwards
No I am not willing to change electricity providers and pay any outstanding bill so that u can get a free ticket perk to a festival -

We have come far in the boundaries when I first lived here she had none !!

She doesn't like it when I set a boundary and then appears to dominate the space more in the house ie an attitude of this is my house I'll do what I want

But the fact is yes it is your house but these things are about respect and equality not that u own the walls ( which incidently I pay half u mortgage for

Overall it works well me living here - she is out the house a lot !! Breaking all sorts of boundaries while I get quiet

Thanks for this post
I get to work on my boundary issues originally from my foo and it feels good when I can now do it and not feel guilty but feel like a healthy adult

[CreativeCat]

Hi boatsetsailrose,

I really like that you see the boundary setting as practice. I've also struggled with this and It feels so good doesn't it when looking after yourself and setting boundaries comes naturally.

I also think it's the most helpful thing you can do for your flatmate, even if it doesn't feel it at the time.

[CreativeCat]

Keepfighting I also like the idea that boundaries don't even have to be 'reasonable' they just need to make you feel safe. I've not thought about this before but I guess its then up to other people how they respond to the boundaries you have set

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes melody beatie in her book 'co dependent no more ' says it is not possible to set a healthy boundary and take care  of others feelings about it

I like this

[Dutch Uncle]

Over the course of te last weeks a few Vloggers I like and take comfort in their dealing with cPTSD (caused by narcissistic parents and/or partners) have posted a couple of great video's on boundaries.
What I have found particularly interesting is that they also speak how the lack of proper boundaries also has an affect on how they, at times, (have) trespass(ed) on other peoples boundaries as well.

***potentially triggering as they tell stories how their boundaries have been violated***
(nothing too graphic IMHO)

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries (1/6)

What It Means to Set Boundaries: Part 1 of 2

Follow up video's on their respective channels.