Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss feelings of loss and resolution

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C.

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Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

Note 2:  Professional in this topic refers to your therapist or another person whom you trust to help you in a professional way.
 
1.   Your therapist's job is to help you ventilate your feelings of loss and let go of the fantasy of getting something that is not available.  Expect to receive support, understanding and compassion during this difficult and painful step.  If you cannot resolve these wounds or give up the hope for the ideal parents, consider doing some guided visualization exercises with your therapist.  In this method, your therapist uses some type of trance induction technique to fully and deeply relax you and then creates an imaginary experience that metaphorically captures your dilemma as a child.
As mentioned in Chapter One and the discussion of Step Two, it is critical that your therapist be trained in and comfortable with the practice of this and any other technique(s).  If your therapist is not trained or comfortable using techniques such as this, then discuss the possibility of your attending a workshop that focuses on healing childhood traumas. Guided visualization and other exercises can aid the grieving process and help you transform your inner emptiness into an evolving process that leads to resolution.


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Kizzie

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I am pretty much through this step, but as I mentioned in another post I do find if I am overly tired, stressed or ill, anger and/or sadness will rise up in me and I will become somewhat depressed. What helps is to acknowledge and validate those feelings (it gets worse if I try to suppress or chase the feelings away), and mix in support, comfort and/or rest. Seems quite a "normal" reaction now, but before I would have driven myself harder to "just get over it,"shoved the feelings away/down and pushed on, never considering that kindness and compassion were what I really needed.   

 

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VeryFoggy

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So my T is definitely going to write the letter to my family in support of me.  She has no problem with ANYTHING I want her to say. Amazing!  Simply amazing! She said she doesnít think anybody has ever stood up for me before, and I had to agree.   But she wants to stand up for me.  Take a stand, pick a side, and be on my side.

So when I send this letter to my family, saying how I got CPTSD.  Thatís it for real.  All hope will be gone forever. No hope ever of any contact with anyone ever again. No family left, just gone.  No more illusions, no more hoping, no more. Fin, Finis, Finito, over. The End.

It is a confrontation and it is saying, "No you people are crazy and I cannot have anything to do with any of you anymore, ever again."

It is an expose.  It is revenge. It is fighting for justice finally. It is my day in court.  It will be over and will enrage my sister and my dad and a little bit a brother too.

But it is the TRUTH. And the truth MUST be told.

But it is standing up for me, and saying no I am NOT crazy you warped me. And you dad, warped your children too and taught them to hate me just as you do.

I have to do this.  I have to do this for me  And I have to feel strong enough to survive the responses I may get.

I feel surreal, seeing my T. has validated everything that I was so scared to say. I was terrified to put those words in her mouth, and she reads what I want her to say, and then she blithely says, "Oh yes, this is all true, I have no problem saying any of this."

Maybe I wanted, no I know I wanted, I wanted her to say it was not true.  I wanted her to look at me sadly, and say no, "You are crazy, I am so sorry."

Thatís how sick I am. I would still even now after all I have read and done and felt and known and experienced, I would still lay down and die for these people just to get them to love me.  Thatís so sad.

So I am saying to myself, Leave. Go. Leave. Leave. They have nothing for you and they hate you. Itís all wallpapered over with a veneer of love finished up with a nice shiny gloss of hatred.

YOU, I, me, must start over. Begin again. Try again. Learn and start anew.


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C.

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What an empowering and frightening feeling.  I think I've experienced that "hope" you mention, it's almost like a primordial child feeling of needing to be cared for...it seems it never goes away we just learn how to meet those needs in other ways.  Our mind might understand, but it takes time for the emotions to catch up.  And hopefully, eventually, fully on an emotional/intellectual/spiritual level understand those needs cannot and will not be met by FOO.

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VeryFoggy

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Wow!  Thank you C.  For understanding. It is need and a lack inside of us to be loved and we just weren't loved.

Today's thoughts from my Journal for what it is worth: I am so, so needy, so needing love. From somebody. And itís got to be from me.  There is no one else left to love me. In the way I need to be loved. It is going to have to be me.  So pretend or think about how you feel when you love someone. I think of them all of the time, think of what they would like, want to please them, want to make them feel good, want to make them happy, want them to have fun, want them to laugh, want them to be comfortable, want to do the things they want to do.  And think of the feelings you feel when around them, hopefulness, happiness, comfort, safety. And feel that way towards yourself. TRY to make you happy, try to make you have fun, try to make you laugh, try to make you comfortable, try to do what you want to do, then feel the happiness, the comfort and the safety. With you.


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Kizzie

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TRY to make you happy, try to make you have fun, try to make you laugh, try to make you comfortable, try to do what you want to do, then feel the happiness, the comfort and the safety. With you.

Well said VF  :hug:  I'm finding that as I do this for myself I am attracting healthier people into my life - it's still a small small circle, but it is expanding and it feels like it's because I am beginning to reveal  the richness of me, not because I am giving others what I think they want or being who I think they want me to be.  Who knew?