Self Help Activity 1: Seeking outside support, validation and encouragement

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C.

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Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

1.  This step requires a lot of outside support.  ASCA meetings can provide you with generous support, validation and encouragement for your efforts.  You need to be around people who have gone through what you are going through and can serve as positive role models.  To the grieving survivor, survivors in advanced recovery, mentors and therapists are very important people because they provide much-needed sustenance and symbolize the light at the end of the tunnel.

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VeryFoggy

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I am hyper, hyper sensitive to lying about anything right now because this is exactly what is wrong with my entire life.  It is lies more than anything that have caused me to get to the point I am at today. So I need to just accept that about myself. That lying is going to be setting me off like a gun, like a volcano right now.

Because it is my ex's lies that got me a boyfriend and no marriage for 17 years.  It is my sister wanting me to deny my experience of being abused and lie about it to make her feel good, just sweep it under the rug like it did not happen.  She said "You arenít sick, you are just weak.  Itís your fault not his. You just arenít tough enough to take it."  This enraged me. 

It is my lies that I would accept and take and carry this load, even though I was not guilty, I lied too and I agreed to do it. To pretend it did not happen.  Keep my mouth shut and let people get away with murder.  It is carrying the burden of my sister's lies to all of her friends about having sex with their sons behind their back.   And yet she is portraying this image this false image to everyone that she is someone completely different than who she really is. And I have to helped her to hide it.   I have lied for her.

And it is my son lying to me all of the time and stealing from me. And it is my dad lying to me my whole life, him hating me knowing he hates me, trying to take me down all of the time for no good reason, then lying about it when I call him on it.  It is my mother lying all of her life and pretending that her husband loves her when he treats her like dirt.  It is finding out people are not straightforward and honest and they are all lying, and it is me believing the lies that got me into trouble.

It got me the wrong life!  I did not get the life I dreamed of and wanted because I told lies, and I believed lies.

And even my daughter wanting me to be nice to her husband even though I donít trust him as far as I could throw him and her getting angry with me for not lying and pretending that I like him. 

It is all of this, the mountain of lies that is my life that is distressing me so much that when my grandson started doing it last night too?  It infuriated me.

I canít make people stop lying?  But I can say this distresses me when you lie, and I am not going to put up with it.  Either we tell the truth, or something changes between us. Trust is everything.  And I havenít got any. I understand making a mistake and telling a lie when you are scared, but donít make it worse and lie about lying!

What can I do?  For myself?

I am supposed to be at this point in my recovery starting to trust people and tell them the truth about me.  And since I trust nobody as they are all asking me to either lie for them, or lie to them, or else believe their lies to me, where does that leave me?

Pissed off, angry and alone.

And my son is constantly needling me, poking me, telling me look how mad you are and look at how alone you are?  Basically he is telling me I just have to do it, I just have to put up with their lies if I want to have any people in my life at all, and I donít want to do it ANYMORE!

Lies seem to be the heart of the matter today. What can I do?

I can write the letter to my family exposing the lies and consequences be damned.
I can tell the truth myself and not believe lies anymore.
I can refuse to cover for other peopleís lies and get out of the way and let them suffer the consequences of their own actions
I can stay away from people who insist on lying and who want me to lie too.
I can refuse to trust or be close to or friends with anyone who insists on lying to me.
I can admit to and be sorry for any lies I have told or tell and ask forgiveness.

Beyond that?  I don't what else to do. But I will NOT live with lies anymore!  Even if I am alone for the rest of my life with only my therapist to talk to and this forum.  I am not going to put up with lies anymore!

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Kizzie

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Life has been so much better that I am fence sitting these days - about starting a F2F group here, about getting a therapist, about reading the pile of books about CPTSD and related issues piled by my bed, and in general about really commuting to recovery fully right now.  I am mainly coasting, enjoying the progress I have made and while my ICr is shouting at me that I am settling, I wave it away, tell it to shush and let me enjoy the almost peace and near contentment I feel.  So do I give into the compassion for a tired soul or the push to move forward even more?  Not sure.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2015, 06:49:21 PM by Kizzie »

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C.

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I hear you about the balancing act of how much and who.  I feel like I really want to rely more on an inner strength so figuring out how much and where to get support aside from that has become a bit experimental for me.  At the moment I feel like I'm sticking w/"professionals."  I have a great doctor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and an acupuncturist.  And one close friend who's a bit busy at the moment but I know would be there if needed and will soon be able to commit again to seeing each other a couple times each week.

Sometimes I worry b/c almost all of my IRL supports are financially driven relationships.  If I don't have money 3 of them would need to change somehow.  On the other hand I have 4 professionals who I feel I can trust and disclose as needed for healing, so that counts for a lot.

And then there's this forum which is somewhere in between alone recovery and supported recovery.  I am alone in my thoughts when I respond, but I receive positive feedback from other people, but I'm alone when I read the feedback.  I just think of it as In Between support.

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Kizzie

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In Between support - I like it C :thumbup:   

VF - Someone at OOTF once described PD FOO/extended FOO and FM's as a giant sticky spider's web that we each are stuck to. I never forgot that image and when I saw how enmeshed (stuck) the whole lot of us were I knew I was up against something much bigger than I could have imagined. For years, decades really I had this nagging thought that if it was just me who saw the abuse, was it really happening? I knew I felt awful, but I couldn't get past the idea that well if they're all content, happy it must be me.  Nope.

Now I understand that my web which included FOO, extended family and assorted Flying Monkeys was rife * PDs and enablers/codependents.  Even before I knew about PDs or CPTSD I felt like I was being forced to live in some parallel dimension almost and I was!  Best day ever when I realized that -quite freeeing, but worst day too because that meant I was on my own.  I always had been, I just didn't realize it. 

Some very hard truths to face in recovery    :hug: for you Very Foggy


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VeryFoggy

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Thank you Kizzie, you nailed it. In one of the last letters I wrote to my father I told him I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. That I have walked on to the set of the Twilight Zone. Yep, that's it exactly. And I am so tired of having to protect myself from people who are supposed to love me.

Yes, the web is large and wide. It's just weird to wake up and see you are alone and always have been. That you lied and tried so hard to go along with it, but you could not.  In the end it was either you or them, and somebody was going to die. And if it was going to be you, you just really could not bring yourself to do that to you.  You wanted to live. So you left. So you could live.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2015, 03:45:16 AM by VeryFoggy »

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Kizzie

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That's it exactly VF, it was them or me and I chose me.  I simply had no choice anymore. I could not go along any more just as you are finding, it was killing me.  I tried but I was so triggered all the time I wasn't going to make it, even with having a loving supportive little FOC. And once I realized how many PDs and enablers were in the web and what I was up against I knew why I could not recover, all I was doing was keeping my head above the water, surviving because of my exposure to all of them.   

I'm not saying this is the case for everyone with PD FOO, but there are a lot of them in mine.  I'm also not suggesting that going NC is the right choice for everyone, it just was for me.  I don't miss them and the lack of stress, triggering, worry, anxiety, fear, anger .... is absolutely lovely, it's the best gift to myself ever  :yes: 

No more Twilight Zone!  :spaceship:
« Last Edit: June 15, 2015, 08:00:49 PM by Kizzie »