Not sure I have CPTSD, but I have something...

[tiasarah]

Hi, I'm tiasarah. A bit over a year ago my divorce from my abusive husband was final. He was physically abusive to my kids and emotionally abusive to me. Before that my parents were physically and emotionally abusive. It took me long enough to realize that the word for what they had done was "abuse". I knew that they'd done wrong but nobody around me seemed to think there was anything wrong with what they were doing. When I broke out of it I came to realize that I was held tightly inside a cluster of abusive people and isolated from non-abusive people. I had been taught that others would not assist me, but when I broke out I discovered that was false; many people supported me and many have even said they admire me for having the courage to leave.

The worst of what happened to me was like emotional starvation. To escape my parents' rage, I retreated to my room and read books. It was the only place I could go that was acceptable to them. I had a friend when I was school age, but after that I had no friends other than ones I saw at school. I wasn't allowed to visit anyone outside of school except maybe half a dozen times. I was allowed to go to church activities and excel at academics and music, but not to do anything else and especially nothing social. My ex-husband at first allowed me to have friends, but dealing with our kids' special needs with his active resistance made it impossible for me to have any friends, and at the end of the marriage he was not allowing me to have friends or even go out of the house without a child with me. But... he didn't beat me. It didn't stop me from spending years praying to die and trying to make it happen.

I wasn't able to be there for my children because of my depression and lack of support, and consequently they've experienced a lot of the same emotional neglect I did. I'm trying the best I can to clean up the mess I've made in their lives, but I'm also trying to heal myself at the same time. I've often found myself triggered by my kids doing things they learned from those years, mostly from their father but sometimes from me. I often have to discipline them to improve their behavior while I'm being triggered, e.g. I have a fear of thrown objects and to stop them throwing their toys I have to take away any toy they throw, but I'm in the middle of getting triggered by the thrown toys and all I want to do is go hide in my room curled up crying.

A few months ago I had a really bad thing that I think is a flashback. I thought my ex was coming after me and I became so fearful that I barricaded the doors with furniture, and I slept in my clothes with weapons handy, like I used to do during the divorce. It turned out he wasn't and it was just a letter about a debt I owed, but even after I found that out things got bad and there were sexual sensations even though I was alone and fully dressed. I was really messed up the next morning, couldn't focus on anything, students were asking me questions and I heard their words and knew they were English sentences but the words didn't register in my head as comprehensible sentences. It took me almost 24 hours to get over it. This morning I saw a video someone posted on Facebook showing surveillance video of a domestic abuse incident and I kinda freaked out. I got really scared on my way in to work and when I got to work, I was scared of the doors and windows and elevators and my heart wouldn't stop racing. I knew nobody was going to attack me, nobody has ever attacked me at work and I've never been unsafe there before, so I don't understand why I couldn't just feel safe there.

What's happening to me? I know you can't diagnose anything, but I read about CPTSD and I think "Gosh, these people have it worse than me... but the things they talk about are so familiar..."

[Kubali]

To tiasarah

Your story is almost identical to mine. I have been diagnosed with CPSD.

You know what the real tragedy is? We just don't SEE the abuse. That's the ultimate trick of the perpetrators. To convince you that this stuff is ' normal'

The worst thing one human can do to another is screw with their mind. Because our mind is the greatest survival tool we possess.

They don't just Brainwash, they shove it through the ringer too!!

You have been deeply wounded by the people who were supposed to take care of you. You have come to the right place to find information and answers. The next step would be seeking professional help. Doctors and therapists can help you put yourself back together again.
Kubali