Abandonment issues never go away

[Foresaken]

Hi.  I found this site after introducing myself on OOTF.  It was quickly pointed out to me that I likely have c-ptsd, which would make a lot of sense.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD multiple times over the past twenty years, as well as depression, panic attacks & severe attachment injury (thanks to my ED)

I am married to a recovering alcoholic.  We have three young children, one with Autism.  My little family is what I value most.

Currently, I am struggling with abandonment issues. 

  My FOO was rather disfunctional.  My father, deceased, was the victim of child abuse as well as a Vietnam veteran suffering from PTSD.  He was prone to frequent violent outbursts.  My ED/NM is a raging narcissist.  She is extremely manipulative and cruel.  She has had three husband, four step children, and two biological children.  Only one, her biological GC, still has a relationship with her.

  My NM and I became emeshed when I was expecting my first baby.  She had recently divorced her third husband, and she treated my pregnancy as if it was her own.  She disagreed with my parenting choices frequently after I became a mother. 

  By the time my first baby was 18 months old, I could no longer pretend that she was developing typically.  A year later, she was diagnosed with autism.  As time has gone on, I've become very accepting of my daughter, of her quirks, her uniqueness, her brilliance that shines underneath her frustrations.  She's a miracle to behold, at least in my eyes.  I don't see her as disabled, but different abled, as someone who just needs a little more support.

  My NM was very unaccepting of my daughter's condition, and of me.  She said horrible, cruel things about autism, one time screaming them in my face in front of my then three year old daughter.  That was the last time I talked to her.  I tried to reach out to my GCNB, but NM had already launched a smear campaign that left me stripped of my entire support network on her side of the family.

  It's been over two years since that incident.  My sweet daughter now has two younger brothers, and they have a beautiful sibling relationship.  My husband and I are trying to give them a happy home, filled with acceptance, love, awareness, forgiveness and mutual support. 

  I am still so haunted by my FOO.  It sickens me, as a mother, that my own mother could be so cruel.  That she could pit her children against each other, only being satisfied when all six were completely isolated and vulnerable.  That she could reject me, her first born child, her blood.  That she could reject my beautiful children, that my little family causes her shame and embarrassment.

  NM and GDNB treat us like we are freaks, I have actually been referred to as a freak.  My husband has a career, (the drinking problem started after the autism diagnosis, she didn't even witness that), and I had a career, which I can go back to when my kids are older.  We are far from perfect, but we are ok with that. 

  Unfortunately, we will never meet up to NM's ridiculously high standards.  The stress of trying to meet those standards and raise happy children was too much to bear, and I had to choose my children.  It's been over two years.

There are times, like today, when I really feel like an orphan.  I'm sick.  I have a herniated disc, and I can't take care of my children the way I'd like to.  It's hard to pick up my baby, it's hard to read books with them on my lap, it's scary to know I have to have surgery soon and that I have to be away from them sometime in the next week.  This is one of those days where I really wish I had a mommy to take care of me, because when I have the operation, my husband will be the one taking care of the kids.  I will be at the hospital alone.  I want someone who cares about me to be there holding my hand, and that will probably not happen.  Normally, I would ask my sister in law to help, but she was diagnosed with breast cancer last week.  She needs support right now too.
 
  I read once somewhere that a great mother provides a soft place for her children to land.  That really stuck with me, because I've never been given a safe place to fall.   Right now, I have fallen, and I have to pick myself up, because no one else is going to do it for me. But sometimes I think it would be nice, oh so nice, to have a gentle hand guiding me back onto my feet.  I vow to always be that gentle hand for my three.

  That's my story.  Thanks for reading.

[Jdog]

Dear Foresaken-

I can add very little to the kind wisdom offered by BeHealthy. I will offer a warm welcome to you, and let you know that I am so glad that despite the challenged upbringing you experienced, you have vowed to take a different path with your own children.  That takes real courage and purposeful direction of energy.  Although there are always reasons that people like your mother behave in the unkind manner you have described (everyone's actions make sense to them in some way) that fact in no way excuses the cruelty or its effects.

Blessings to you as you forge this new path, and know that there are others who would sit by your hospital bed and hold your hand if we could.  Perhaps you can imagine that you are surrounded by gentle and caring people, as you deserve to be.  Thank you for telling your story, and I send you peace and support.

[Foresaken]

Thank you for your replies.  I am crying, overwhelmed by your kindness. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for sharing
I too felt this for a long time and it is part of grief to feel that loss and for what should have been.. Accepting that I never had it and never will --
I had a little daily reader book called 'inner child' and that used to help me
Orphan yes I can relate to feeling like that - it's a very sad feeling and it's ok to be sad and feel these feelings really feel them tell the universe - it was an important part of my journey to feel what I was feeling fully - grief is very real
I have learnt over time to be my own mother and I do it well - also I am learning how to make friends and be vulnerable
I am happy to report I don't feel that grief anymore - not all all - I have been 7 yrs nc now
I and life have moved on it is wonderful
I don't feel I am missing out anymore I feel that I have everything I need inside of me - Have developed that's not to see I don't need others care - that is a longer process and one I am starting to open up to -
I wish u all the very best and know that you are doing so well and will find further sanctuary within yourself