How to manage fear reaction to self-educating about c-ptsd

[bheart]

Reading this thread has helped me a lot and I want to say thank you for sharing your experiences.





I feel like I am struggling to get a handle on what feels like a tight wound up ball of emotional turmoil that just takes over and not being able to connect it to anything, except it started after starting counseling.  The posts on this forum are so helpful including the one on EF, that I am also having a hard time with.  I believe my emotional turmoil is connected to EF, but I have not gotten far enough to decipher them to events (there are so many to pick from    and stowed away so long it is just one big mess).   Anyway, just to say thank you!!!!!!

- all of you

           

[spryte]

Rain - that's exactly it. The things that our parents didn't teach us about emotional regulation, and self-soothing. And in many cases, like mine, they didn't just NOT teach it, they actually taught us how to handle emotions in direct opposition to that. I got told a lot..."stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." *? Really? How else was I supposed to handle that as a child (one with my particular temperment) other than to learn how to just...shut down? Feelings are not OK? Ok. I just won't have any. Blarg.

Cat - I'm going to make an assumption here from the way that you write, that you and I are similar in that one of our coping mechanisms has been to "intellectualize" things. Because that's true for me, I can't have an emotional or physical reaction to anything without going into "super computer analytical mode" (which includes research) in order to "figure it out". Of course, there are walls to run into with that. Often, we are wrong. Often, we can't take into account all of the interactions that are going on which are creating a particular thing. And for other things, we simply can't KNOW what it is...especially the unconscious emotional stuff. So for me, at some point, the anxiety about just NOT KNOWING and not being able to FIGURE IT OUT and make it stop started creating so much more suffering for me. That was about the time that I started using that technique...when I'd just had it with chasing my tail and needed to find some relief from the panic because it was obvious that it wasn't changing any time soon. And, doing that with the physical health stuff served me well when I came here and started having those weird emotional and physical reactions that I couldn't explain.

[Badmemories]

I have a hard time with this also...for me I just sleep! in a 24 hour period I slept 13 hours today. Right now I am not doing very well...but everyday I am reading something. I think I am busting through the denial stage.

Physically i don't have a appetite, I am smoking to many cigarettes, I slept 14 hours in the last 24 and I am getting diarrhea. these are all physical symptoms that  I get when I am stressed out.

As You all can see some days I don't post but everyday I DO read everything on here daily. I also try and read OOTF daily although I can't read everything everyday there.

I am also reading 2 books on abuse...

I guess I knew this was not going to be easy. It is not but I am determined to "keep on keeping on." I can not suffer as I have by NOT working on this! So suffering to get out is the best of two pains!

[schrödinger's cat]

Spryte, when you mentioned how unpleasant and unsettling it was to NOT have an answer, that sounded so hideous that I was relieved to hear you found something that helps with that. (I hope you can parse this sentence? It's not the best English I've ever written.  )  We have a phrase in my language - "the power of despair" - that describes why people are sometimes able to do very difficult things (like, "the drowning woman seized the life-raft with the power of despair"). It sounds like you used this to help yourself.

Cat - I'm going to make an assumption here from the way that you write, that you and I are similar in that one of our coping mechanisms has been to "intellectualize" things.

Absolutely. It's a bit of a hindrance now, because I intellectualize things so I don't have to feel any pain. But essentially, it's a coping skill that's served me well. I just have to steer it now so I don't do it in an escapist way. I'm starting to teach myself that it's okay to NOT have the answer, to still be in shock, to NOT be super-competent about things. My FOO reacts very impatiently if I show myself to be vulnerable, or weak, or if I admit to a problem that I haven't yet solved. It's like we must always be strong, we must always be seen as competent, we must never be baffled or at a loss as to what to do. So it's a reflex by now: if I'm having a problem, I come up with a theory, a way of coping, a joke, and/or a silver lining - anything - so I don't have to face just how very * this problem is.

And it's exactly as you say: IF for some reason that doesn't work, I'm practically bouncing off the walls in panic. 'GAAAH I must find an explanation, I must overcome this, I must make sure I won't be weak and vulnerable in this!' - But it's okay to be weak now. I'm LC with my FOO now, I'm protecting myself from their reactions.

That went on my "list of things to fix". It's absurd, this list - "1) learn to have feelings, 2) learn to be myself, 3) learn how to have problems..."

It's all part and parcel of letting the real be real. Finding out what's really real about myself (vs what my FOO taught me ought to be real). Learning to see what's really real within me - my real feelings, my real traumatic injuries, my real reactions to present-day events. And learning what's really real in the here and now: yes, this feels unsettling and horrible, but it's okay to feel unsettled, this is an EF, this is about something real that happened long ago, this will pass, just treat it like a head cold or a bout of malaria...

I guess I knew this was not going to be easy. It is not but I am determined to "keep on keeping on." I can not suffer as I have by NOT working on this! So suffering to get out is the best of two pains!

Absolutely. I'm sorry to hear that you were poorly, badmemories, and I'm hoping that things will become easier for you soon. Hang in there. 

[Rain]

I got told a lot..."stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." *? Really?

It is full out, disgusting emotional abuse, spryte.   Ugly.   Gee, spryte, I wonder why on earth you might have issues with crying....     BPD mothering STINKS!

[Rain]

So suffering to get out is the best of two pains!

Great point, badmemories.   It does hurt to recover.   A little bit each day....we will all get there.

13 to 14 hours of sleep, friend?   I am concerned about you.  Not to mention diet, cigarettes.    Well, PD? husband....   

[spryte]

Bad Memories -
I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, but you're right...sometimes all we can do is just choose the better of two pains, the one that will...in the end, lead to the best outcome for us. I was thinking, maybe you could try to do just one thing for yourself that might be nurturing and healthful? Maybe a healthy smoothie powder drink? Some super super easy, that would feed your body something healthy. But, you know...if you can't manage that right now...that's fine too. You're nurturing yourself and doing a LOT by doing some reading every day. I swear I've had days where the most nurturing thing I did for myself was breathe. Facing things is nurturing, and if everything else has to fall away for a while...well, then it just does. Don't be hard on yourself about it. If it goes on for too long, reach out for help.

Cat -
Haha, I loved your list. It is ridiculous. Just the other day I was writing and thinking, "How ridiculous is it that I have to work so hard to learn how to like...be a human, be in the world?? I was in the world before, with great success...but I certainly wasn't a feeling human.

I think my "power of despair" comes from being absolutely worn to the nub by all my escape tricks, all my chasing my tail and bouncing off my own walls, all the holding myself together, all the monitoring of my behavior and thoughts to make sure that they're the "right" ones...I absolutely exhaust myself until I can't hold any of that up any longer, and it's only when it falls that I am able to see the Truth - how much effort I was putting into it in the first place.

I am desperate for truth right now. I just want to smash all of the false truths that were installed on my hard-drive, all the false programs that lead no-where. Right now though, I'm seeing how far I've come with all of it, and that's making this process a bit easier.

Rain - thanks...yeah, she doesn't get any mother of the year awards, that's for sure.

[Kizzie]

I think my "power of despair" comes from being absolutely worn to the nub by all my escape tricks, all my chasing my tail and bouncing off my own walls, all the holding myself together, all the monitoring of my behavior and thoughts to make sure that they're the "right" ones...I absolutely exhaust myself until I can't hold any of that up any longer, and it's only when it falls that I am able to see the Truth - how much effort I was putting into it in the first place.

Wow Spryte, you captured the exact way I was feeling when I bottomed out earlier this year - I was absolutely worn to the nub and everything collapsed.  It made me think that if I (we) have to expend that amount of energy holding things together, intellectualizing,  shielding, repressing, dissociating etc., then we have a lot of potential psychic energy that we can give over to healing. E.g., As we learn to defuel the ICr, that energy becomes available for self-protection and -compassion. 

I don't think this is particularly profound lol, but your post helped me to visualize a big box of psychic energy or power into which I can dip and use it in positive or negative ways. Tks 

[spryte]

Kizzie - you're welcome! I'm glad it was helpful.

For many years now I've had an entire host of "health problems" that have plagued me. One of them is just this...bone deep exhaustion. I have been terrified for a long time that there was something seriously wrong with me. Of course, I go to doctors and they tell me that I'm fine. I've been sucked into several health care vitamin and supplement protocols trying to fix what I was sure was some kind of nutritional imbalance that no one could detect, or they weren't giving me the right tests for.

I do have some actual problems, stomach and digestion issues, food intolerances...

When I talk to my therapist about all of the anxiety, the holding myself together, the monitoring...all of that...the first things she's said to me is...that must be exhausting.

The more of this I clear out though, and the more I understand...I can feel the exhaustion lifting.

Because of the health stuff, I've had to do a lot of "energy management" in my life, can't do too much, can't be too social, can't get too stressed...all of my energy has been going to the wrong places.

[Kizzie]

Bone   deep    exhaustion     Yes, yes and yes. 

I have to limit what I do and have a bunch of health related issues too, the latest of which is acid reflux - how lovely    

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here, just without the acid reflux. I've got a histamine intolerance instead. Always monitoring how much energy I'm expending is emotionally tiring. It's a bit like being skint. It's okay, I can deal, but it's sad to look back at the last fifteen or so years. I didn't achieve much. I just had CPTSD. I was so very burnt out for years, and I'm still clawing my way back from that.

Ah well. Here's to hoping that things will get better for all of us here.

[Kizzie]

What is being "skint" Cat?  I'm not familiar with that term and I think you've used it elsewhere. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Lacking money? ... It's British English (I looked it up just now). Looking up synonyms.. broke! That's it. I knew there was some better word that I just couldn't remember at the moment. Sorry about that.

[Kizzie]

OK, I get it now - the emotional bank is empty.

[schrödinger's cat]

Yes. My savings were spent dealing with disasters, and to boot, I've now got a standing order to withdraw 40 to 80% of my earnings straight to CPTSD.