How to manage fear reaction to self-educating about c-ptsd

[Rain]

Hi BeHea1thy, I'm smiling for you and for me.   Isn't it weird having tears come down and you feel nothing at all?   Surprised there are even tears in the first place.   Emotional numbing.   The emotions are still in the body ...and tears leak out.    Yes, there is a lot of validation to find from others experiences that match with yours.   You are not alone.

And yes, it WILL get better.   My tears come, and I feel.     I can feel.    Emotions ...a blessed full range and depth of them.

What people take for granted, and it is a celebration for us.   

How are you now on this, BeHea1thy?     

[Rain]

Well, the great news 2 months ago is that you were able to cry.   The less than great news was the reason why!   

Wow, BeHea1thy ...3 days ago you had surgery, and for a day and a half the anger poured out ...hmmmm, then you watched a lot of Netflix??   Okay.  My week and your week have been quite different.   

hmmm.  Well, my original question was whether you had healed from emotional numbness.   I guess you have recovered.   Tears, anger, watching Netflix (a new category of emotions as in emotional escape).

So, you are tackling recovering from CPTSD and skin cancer at the same time?  Okay.  I see why your name is BeHea1thy.

[Badmemories]

Spryte wrote.

I think my "power of despair" comes from being absolutely worn to the nub by all my escape tricks, all my chasing my tail and bouncing off my own walls, all the holding myself together, all the monitoring of my behavior and thoughts to make sure that they're the "right" ones...I absolutely exhaust myself until I can't hold any of that up any longer, and it's only when it falls that I am able to see the Truth - how much effort I was putting into it in the first place.

I am desperate for truth right now. I just want to smash all of the false truths that were installed on my hard-drive, all the false programs that lead no-where. Right now though, I'm seeing how far I've come with all of it, and that's making this process a bit easier.

I am still learning so Much.. I guess it is baby steps right now. for example I can't see the EF's as they come but I have been able to analyze and figure some of them out afterwards. I still live with NPDH so when I am around him I still remain diligent! I can see the physical things easier. My arthritis flares up and I am in more pain when I have flashbacks! I do get upset stomach when I get flashbacks. Sometimes I get headaches. I am long over menopause, but sometimes I get the sweats, and sometimes I get cold. Last week when I was back paddling I was so cold and couldn't get warm. I had to quit reading the abuse books for now!  All these memories keep coming up... and I am dealing with them. I have been trying everyday to ask My inner child what she would like to do almost everyday. I have been spending time with Paint on Microsoft. She likes to do that!  I bought a good Yo-yo at a rummage sale and IC likes doing that too! So I have been doing that! lol.

So much to do and think about... but like I say Keep on keeping on!

           

[Kizzie]

That's great that you're seeing progress BadMemories     The yo-yo and Paint sound like fun! 

I was interested to read that your arthritis flares up when you have EFs - I've been noticing mine gets worse some days although I always thought it was more weather related so will track that see if mood/emotions contribute.

[spryte]

The physical responses to this stuff really fascinates me. I have noticed recently that the nausea feeling in my stomach has actually moved up into my throat. I'll be reading stuff, and realize that my throat really HURTS. It's like the tight throat feeling you get when you're trying not to cry...but I don't have any other feelings of wanting to cry. Couldn't even if I wanted to. It's like it's "stuck" in my throat. I'm kind of curious about where that's going to lead and I've thought about trying to find someone who does energy work of some kind to help me work on that area.

Doing stuff with your inner kid sounds like fun. There are things that I like doing that I never really associated with my inner kid, like coloring and playing in puddles. My IK has been wanting galoshes for the longest time and we're supposed to have a rainy cold winter here. I think it's time I buy her some. 

There is so much, and it is such a long slow road. And sometimes we fall down but as long as we keep getting up, that's all that matters!