Abandonment issues triggered

[Kubali]

Hi there!

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same thing as me. My eldest daughter who chose to live with me following my truly harrowing divorce from her father has recently left home. She has just turned 21 and was ready to go out into the big wide world. Her and a friend have found a lovely new flat and moved in about 3 weeks ago.

My question is this. Has anyone else been through this and had their abandonment issues triggered? I have been having severe flashbacks since she first told me she was leaving home. I managed to keep it together enough to help her move into her new home. But there were days when I would curl up on her old bed and sob and sob despairingly.

After my divorce from her father I relocated to a different county to escape him. She followed me a few months later as he became abusive to her. I had re- married and the three of us became a new family in a safe and loving home. This formed tremendously powerful bond of shared experience and when she left I felt bereft.

My intellect told me that she wasn't leaving me, just leaving home. But sometimes I was overcome with such a deep grief that it shocked and scared me.

There is probably a link between this and me searching for a new outlet. That's when I came here.

Kubali

[ET]

Dear Kubali
I know that feeling very well that when a person to whom I was able to bond leaves or just goes on vacation the adult part in me knows that they are not  gone but the inner child which gets triggered does not know that  and reasoning helps nothing.
I unfortunately have no trick I could share to help you feel better.. When I can I also curl up on my bed and hope it is soon over. Maybe the things you can do when you have an Emotional Flashback can help.
I know that the memories of what happen in my first 2 years of age when I was in the orphanage are locked in that little child and when it gets triggered the child takes possession of me.
It happens to me with my Therapist, what helps is that I write her an email it gives me the feeling I am in contact with her an she is not gone. Maybe you can write an sms or call you Daughter it might help to feel less abandoned.
I send you a big 
ET

[Kubali]

To ET

Thank you for your lovely reply. I was touched by it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you suffer Flashbacks to your time in the orphanage. They are certainly gruelling aren't they? Like you my IC always despairs when someone I love leaves. My youngest daughter chose to stay with her father when I relocated 5 years after my divorce. To say that I was heartbroken is an understatement!! I desperately wanted her to come with me. I knew she would be safer. But she was old enough to choose for herself. I found out that her father had told her that if she moved she would be 'dead' to him. I think she chose to stay because she was afraid. She also knew that I would never force her and that I would love her whatever she did. The same could not be said of her father.

The pain was unbearable. I don't really remember much now about that time. My eldest daughter came to live with me and her dad was hateful towards her. She went through a terrible time as he turned his whole family against her. She was 14.

Now she is 21. I think I'm probably being triggered back to those earlier times when my ex poisoned the children against me. I have lots of old wounds to grieve.

I do hope you find some comfort here on this site. Sending you a hug!!