What do you want???

[Kubali]

Hi there!

Has anyone else truly struggled with this question? I STILL don't know the answer and I'm 52!!

In my childhood I was not allowed to want. In my first marriage I was not allowed to want.

Now I am safe. I have re-located and re- married (8years ago) I have been in Therapy for nearly 2 years and when she asks me this question I always have the same reaction. Just go blank. Then comes the inevitable question "what am I allowed to have?"

Kubali

[woodsgnome]

Kubali, the quote under your name on your posts resonates deeply with me: The Truth comes from a place of Peace

I've winnowed my want list to one permanent desire, a solo goal—Peace. In everything I do. And one thing I seem to have realized about the search for it is that I can't find my only desire elsewhere. Because it's within each of us.

Of course that gets covered over, and it seems more acceptable to strive endlessly until, like mythologist Joseph Campbell used to point out, one reaches the top of the wall and finds out their ladder was set in the wrong spot on the wrong wall. Everyone said that's what was necessary.

Even wanting only peace can create misunderstanding. I was even told by a couple therapists that peace was a good idea, but not that practical as a goal. Perhaps; but for me I've traveled all the roads leading to "somewhere" and what worked for me always came back to the same place, and that was to cultivate inner peace, and let the externals fall into place. Otherwise my wanting can quickly deteriorate to one of frantically trying to control every circumstance, and then be utterly disappointed if it falls apart or deviates one iota from the goal.

Of course I have plenty of short-term wants; have to. And maybe I am denying the practical, like some have told me. My peace probably won't be found following a straight line. Being on this site it's clear I'm still traveling with fear, grief, anger, and all the rest we know too well. Certainly I set out to accomplish goals, but it's still just peace I really want. If it sounds too dreamy to some, that's okay, but I DID search hard and peace remains my only answer.

[Kubali]

To Woodsgnome

Thank you for your lovely reply.

I'm in flashback at the moment and cannot reply as I would like. When I am better I would like to talk with you about Peace and what it means to you. I have an idea I will learn something new from you. I do hope this is ok with you?

Shanti

Kubali

[woodsgnome]

Certainly, Kubali, take whatever time necessary. One of the realities of cptsd seems to be, for better or worse, that while we're sometimes feeling rushed and need to know, answer, or respond right away, finding the proper time and space to participate is pretty individual. There's a lot of material on here to digest, and some of it requires oceans of patience; we're all eager to get to the end, but find we have to step back now and then or the end just fades into more confusion anyway.

I don't participate in many sites of this nature, but the approach here of being able to search and respond (or not) in due time is what some of us seem to need more than others. This shared learning runs in a timeless loop.

[FredrickaGoshlox]

Wow. This is incredible to me.

I also just want peace and serenity.

I have been in a good place for almost twenty years, when I married my husband. My childhood and first husband were a trainwreck and the peace not only feels strange, even to this day, but I still have EFs. I did not k now what they were. Most of the time they are when I talk to somebody from FOO and that is what kept me in chaos for so long. Although I was not in constant contact with these people, who are related to me by DNA only, sometimes I was and when they were cruel to me, after teasing me by being nice, for some reason it always devestated me and set me back to Square One. I was not surprised that my mother disowned me and disinherited me, but it still really hurt. I'm not sure why. She never liked me. I called her to try to mend the rift, whatever had caused it, but s he never called me back and her nice voice was fake. When I said "I love you" she never said it back. She said, "I know." My sister was on again off again trigger that I let in my life far too long.

I always let their anger make me feel like a lost little girl. Embarassingly, I am 61 and my sister can still make me feel that way so I finally decided that this time she can't come back.

I do have a wonderful husband and great kids so I count my blessings. I live in a small, peaceful, quiet town and have NO DRAMA in my life. My only drama since moving here was my FOO. Good riddance.

So odd to wish for peace over anything else, but I'll bet a lot of us feel this way. 

[Kubali]

To fredrickagoshlox

I'm always sorry to hear about the cruelty of parents. Your story is similar to mine. I know how painful it is. I've been NC with my entire FOO for 7 years. It still hurts to think about them.

In the end, just like Woodsgnome said, peace seems like a blessed relief from all the drama. No more cruelty no more lies no more ludicrous smear campaigns. I try to avoid all aggressive people. They are so draining and toxic.

To me Peace represents both absence of conflict and acceptance of what's real. Can't say that it's easy to maintain but those moments however fleeting are truly worthwhile.

I hope that you find peace on your journey

Kubali

[Kizzie]

Even wanting only peace can create misunderstanding. I was even told by a couple therapists that peace was a good idea, but not that practical as a goal.

I was just thinking as I read your post WG that imo peace can actually be a practical goal if we're working in recovery to distance ourselves from the people who abuse(d) us.   I don't know about anyone else but my FOO are PD and there is no peace internally or externally when I'm around them. Basically I could not hear myself think (or feel) until I created peace outside of me by going NC and LC, then the inner peace began to come.

Peace y'all! 

[tiasarah]

I know that feeling. My response to "What do you want?" is usually "Do I have a choice?" The problem is that what I really want is definitely impossible. I want a normal, happy, loving family. But my FOO is not that and never will be, and my kids are damaged now from the choices I and my ex-husband made (my ex-husband being one of those choices). Two of my kids have Asperger's Syndrome and one just got out of the mental hospital. I will never be able to have the normal, loving, worthwhile life I've always wanted.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Maybe it s not external wants but internal wishes

Eg want to deal with emotions better - to be kinder to myself

Externally for me - my ideal is to have a nice home with a partner and a dog
Have a job that I don't find too stressful
And have a balanced life of enough friends, fun time and commitement

Essentially not feel alone and dysfunctional

But I know it starts with me - it's an inside job

[tired]

It sounds like you're thinking of wanting in a sense of what a child would want, since you point out you weren't allowed to want things as a child.  What does a child want?  Things they need, like snacks and comfortable clothes. Things that fit their personality like games or hobbies. 

Start with the things you didn't get as a child, and fill in the blanks in your developmental needs.  Think of yourself as a child, and also yourself as a parent.  Ask yourself, Kubali, what do you want to do right now?  Are you hungry?  are you tired?  What can we do to have fun today?  Then you  might say, I have to be a grown up and go to work now, but I'll check in later.  As a grown up you don't have to want anything; grown ups can let go of "wants" (meaning "desires") if they choose.  Adults don't have to have anything in particular to be happy.   Adults get satisfaction from caring for their families and things like that which is another topic but I just wonder if it's better to start with childhood needs. 

My personal experience is that this exercise helps me a lot quicker than I expect.