PaintedBlack's Journal

[PaintedBlack]

So much has happened since I spent a couple days just reading posts here.  I learned about self-referencing, and spent days practicing it.  I'm also reading PW's book and again, for every new thought I need to talk to myself about it, validate it, like... getting to recognize my inner critic.

So many times I've felt I wanted to share something with you all... and hey, there's a place for that!  So I'm making this journal.  I've done some journaling since I began to recover from chronic dissociation, just notes to myself.  I've thought about a blog and even started one, but I'd rather wait to do that until my thoughts aren't as raw.  This is the perfect place where I don't have to explain CPTSD, I can just talk about it.  Maybe someone will get something out of my ramblings, or be able to provide insight or comments on what's going on in this brain of mine.  Like the guidelines suggest, it will be a place I can return to and see how far I've come.

Just wanted to get it started

[PaintedBlack]

thank you be! obviously, I have trust issues... Who here doesn't? But I definitely feel a sense of safety here. 

in the past year so much has happened with my family, after my mother contacted me and for the first time in 8 years I responded. this began a roller coaster ride of hope, misery, rememberence, flashbacks, attempted forgiveness, etc. It ended, as I feared, in a total breakdown of reality on her part... Everything I always fear, which is that she won't be anything like I hope she is. but now she's a lot older than the last time, she's 70 and her control is really failing. But I had an awakening of sorts, coming out of a 30 year dissociation that I didn't even realize I had. I had learned to cope, and plans to cope for the rest of my life. & I was okay with that. But fate, God, karma, whatever you want to call it - it had plans that I didn't know about. And now I find myself in this great season of healing. it's often like two steps forward and one step back, and it's emotionally exhausting. But it's SOMETHING! its life! It's me.... Leaving it behind and striking out on my own! for 30 years I realize now the word is I was frozen. I was just waiting for her to come back. The other her, the one that loved me. It's really obvious now that I should have seen it. Because I do things like cry out constantly words like"mama please come back" and "mama where are you?" Yea, duh! my four F is freeze. And that's what I did I waited. I waited and didn't figure out what I liked. I didn't clean my house. I didn't do anything for myself because I was waiting for her. Since I was around 14 years old. That's what kids do. That's what I got stuck doing.

I don't remember why I started with that, I was leading towards something else. But I think that's enough for right now, and I'm finding I want to look for a new dictation app for my tablet. So I'll leave that there and continue later. Today I'm feeling thankful. Thankful that I am my very own person, & I have someone that I can rely on. Me. I'm very reliable, & I know myself and care about myself more than anyone else.

[PaintedBlack]

so today I'm not feeling as great as I was two days ago.  today I became very angry with my mother, because I am finally starting to realize how incredibly mean and horrible she has been to me my whole life, while I still continue to believe in her and couple kept coming back, and she knew the whole time that she had screwed me over, it was a big inside joke for her how she erased me from the planet and took away everything I loved. and I still had faith in her and I still thought she had goodness in her heart and over and over and over again she let me show that and believe it, while on the inside she knew she had totally screwed me over.

so even though it's been almost a year since I talked to her last, I just left her a voicemail and told her that I still really want some pictures of my father, and the things my grandmother left for me when she died, and told her that my father would be furious that she had done everything she did to me. I really shouldn't have done that. Then I called a lawyer and left a voicemail because maybe I should just get a lawyer to help me get these things.

I talked to my husband, by messenger, who is out of town. Now I feel a bit better. When he's gone sometimes I get caught up in thinking about all of this. It's easier when he's gone because I'm a little lazier. but I feel better after talking to him. I have a lot to be thankful for and I love my life.

[PaintedBlack]

Time for a little update.  I love knowing this place is here.  Even though I took a long break, I thought of OOTS a lot and knew it was here to come back to.

I am on a new medication, Saphris.  I personalized tremendously, especially emotionally... again, when I started taking it.

I want to write more but I am so short on time.   I just forced myself to make this post though, even though I'm not really in the mood.  It will get me back here, to OOTS and I will read up what my dear CPTSD friends have been up to.

Much love
Jenny

[PaintedBlack]

Life is a little bit of a roller coaster for me the last few months but I'm feeling better over the last couple days. I was successful twice at thought stopping and redirecting my anger toward my mother rather than inward to myself.

I'm about to start the chapter on grieving and Pete Walker's book. I do OK with the inner critic, most of my problems appear to be with the outer critic and I hope to find some practical advice about keeping myself motivated. It seems I'm so tired from all of the mental anguish that when I do have a good day I just want to stop and enjoy it. But if I don't get anything done that day, I never know what the next day will bring and so I am in an endless loop waiting for three or four good days in a row before anything substantial gets done in my life. I'm not sure what the answer to this is but I am seeking truth as always.

[Dyess]

Hello there, I don't often respond to people's journal because I think this needs to be a place of your own expression of thought. But I understand your anticipation of the good times ending and questioning the good days. I've found that take what you have and work with it, enjoy the moment. Don't let thoughts of waiting for the other shoe to fall ruin that for you. When those thoughts come in remind yourself, just for today, for this moment I am going to enjoy this freedom. Play some music you like or even used to like and bring back those happier times memories. Music is a motivator for me. I loved the disco era. So throw on some disco and I can get a lot of housework done. It's the silence, idle time that seems to sabotage me. So enjoy what you can when you can.

[PaintedBlack]

Trace, thank you so much for taking the time to read my update and respond. I do not mind at all if people talk to me in my journal. And I do appreciate your encouragement to take the joyful moments as they come and go with it. I did return to Pete Walker's book recently to finish it. And he is driving it home over and over, that we need to love ourselves and be compassionate toward ourselves. This fits exactly what you were saying as well. Thank you again.