What do your flashbacks feel like? Part 1

[schrödinger's cat]

I'm working to get a better knowledge of what my emotional flashbacks are like. Once I know that, I can recognize them more easily (I hope). One thing I'm trying to find out is, what do they feel like physically, both during an EF and afterwards. Also, what changes in behaviour are triggered? I'm looking for things that could maybe function as clear signals that I'm flashing back.

So how about comparing notes? Maybe we can gather enough data so each of us gets a better idea of what EFs tend to feel like. An EF roadmap, kind of.

One thing I noticed, EFs dehydrate me. I'm often really really thirsty for a few days, to the point where I'm drinking up to 3 to 5 litres of water per day.
During a flashback, I have a strong urge to physically hide, to be less present, less noticeably physically. So I've got a huge scarf I'm wearing, as a kind of portable nest. Or if several people choose seats in a room, I'm picking one that's in a corner and close to the door, or in a position where I can see all the entry points. I'm sitting hunched, a little on the edge of my seat - you know, the typical way women have of sitting in a way that saves room, in situations where men (and very relaxed women) would sprawl and lean back and stretch out their legs.
Also, I tend to feel peckish for comfort food, often a particular food.
Then there's feeling small and insignificant and boring.

So how about you?

[keepfighting]

I don't have a lot of 'obvious' EFs, more the subtle kind (which is why it took reading Walker's explanations to figure out what was really going on).

The physical and emotional symptoms I experience during EFs are:

- general feeling of restlessness
- bad sleep (waking up and not falling asleep again for hours even though there's literally nothing on my mind)
- a feeling of unease, heightened alertness
- feeling confused while trying to figure out what's going on (even more so before learning about EFs)
- comfort eating, never feeling that I'm 'full'
- looking for sources of 'warmth' (seeking a place near the heating system, longing for a hot bath, holding cups of hot beverages - anything that has warmth)

That kind of thing..... No wonder it's hard to figure out what it is exactly  that I'm dealing with - it's all so nondescript and vague. It's only the sum of the symptoms that spell EF.

[schrödinger's cat]

- a feeling of unease, heightened alertness
- feeling confused while trying to figure out what's going on (even more so before learning about EFs)

Same here. It's a certainty that something's not right, I just don't know yet what.

- comfort eating, never feeling that I'm 'full'

I read something on another website where a trauma survivor says she begins to eat "sustaining foods". Do you get that, too? I do that. Whenever I'm feeling low, I'm eating a lot more carbs, more fat, and more sugary things.

[Kizzie]

I'm working to get a better knowledge of what my emotional flashbacks are like. Once I know that, I can recognize them more easily (I hope). One thing I'm trying to find out is, what do they feel like physically, both during an EF and afterwards.

Physical

Dehydration - tick. After an EF I almost feel like I have a hangover and drink a lot of water not only because I'm dehydrated but to flush the toxins out.
Craving for certain foods - tick.  During/after an EF especially all the bad stuff - sugar, fat, salt
Heightened awareness - tick.  Hypervigilant, easily startled
Cold - tick (like I just can't get warm)
Other - Very sensitive to light, sound, movement; tight jaw and chest; shallow breathing; difficulty sleeping (if EF last a few days); feeling like I am adrenalized, have lots of chemicals flooding my body

Emotional

Strong urge to hide - tick.  I actually hid in my (big) master closet when I was at my worst.
Fear and unease - tick. That someone will notice I am barely holding it together and before I knew these were Fs wondering if I was having a breakdown
Other - feel little, small, vulnerable, ashamed ......

Cognitive

Confusion - Tick.
Hyperfocused - on the issue that triggered the EF
Racing thoughts
A sensation that the world is moving faster than me, like I can't keep up or track things

My behaviour - if I can't go into hide mode right then and there I get whatever it is I have to get done done and then head for the bedroom, draw the curtains, turn on our white noise machine and try to fall asleep/dissociate until the EF passes. 

[keepfighting]

I read something on another website where a trauma survivor says she begins to eat "sustaining foods". Do you get that, too? I do that. Whenever I'm feeling low, I'm eating a lot more carbs, more fat, and more sugary things.

Yes, definitely. The 'easy' carbs and sugars that give you a quick rush... I also noticed that I am looking for a nice creamy texture; feels comforting in the mouth I guess...

Cold - tick (like I just can't get warm)

Strong urge to hide - tick.  I actually hid in my (big) master closet when I was at my worst.

I seem to have combined the two urges: I used to 'hide' cowering in front of the heating device in my room when I was growing up.

The feeling like you just can't get warm is indeed another symptom I also experience.


I must pay more attention to the symptoms/feelings after an EF. It's intriguing that both of you feel dehydrated after an EF....

[schrödinger's cat]

Ah-ha! Separating it into categories - that looks very sensible. Now why didn't I think of that. Hey ho, we're making progress. Thanks for your replies. This has already helped me get a clearer image of EFs.

Is it okay if I make a kind of master list? If it isn't, tell me and I'll just delete it. But I thought that maybe someone else wants to use this as a template they can then personalize and use as a checklist or something. (Which reminds me... added "urge to hyper-organize everything" to the list. Ahem.) Also, I wrote it in second person singular, but maybe writing "I" instead of "you" sounds more authentic?

EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks.

In general, if someone else is around who gets only a few or none of these signs, it'd be still interesting to hear from you. That way, we could maybe add something like: "can range from mild signs like... [what it's like for you] ...to [more detailed or vivid symptoms]"? It's just a matter of course that things are going to be different for everybody. Different bodies, different traumas, different habits...

[globetrotter]

When triggered I have a visual memory of something or recall a feeling that happened to me as a child. The feeling around the original incident though decades old returns. My emotions take over and I'm completely irrational replacing the fear from youth with adult anger. Heart rate escalates. Usually short lived as I get past the anger. Ive noticed this three times over the last few months since learning what they are. I wonder how long this has been going on...if I'm just noticing or if it's a new process as I come in touch with actually feeling...

[Kizzie]

Which reminds me... added "urge to hyper-organize everything" to the list. Ahem.

   

Great idea Cat!  Maybe when it's complete it could be included in the Recovery Toolbox.   

[keepfighting]

 

Cat, great job on the list!

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks! 

Please tell me if and how this should be modified, yes?

One thing I'd find interesting is a list of ways one symptom can manifest itself. I'm still so out of touch with my EFs that "increased need for safety" sounds like it doesn't apply to me, but "urge to wear huge scarf" or "choosing seat where I can see all the exit points" makes me go "oooh, right, of course". So if anyone can add something to one of those points, that'd be great.

For this list to be useful to all kinds of people, we'd need to make sure this isn't just a "CPTSD for Freezers" list. I focus on the Freeze response when things are really bad, and on Flight/Fawn when I'm better. So I tried to include some of those symptoms. But as I'm not "specializing" in Flight or Fawn, I'm not totally sure I got it right. That part is badly in need of corrections, additions and comments.

Here's an updated version:

EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

[spryte]

I'm just learning about myself and EF's as well, so there are only a few things that I've noticed. I did have a theory about EF's though, the other day which I'm going to have to observe...

Defense mechanisms...like, I understood them intellectually as a coping mechanism but didn't really grasp that a coping mechanism must be "triggered" by something, and essentially, wouldn't the space between any triggering event, and the engagement of a coping mechanism be an EF?

Before I really understood what an EF was, I was noticing in myself a tendency to react strongly to certain things and I'd use those "over-reactions" as red-flags to look at a situation more closely.

Any time I found myself getting extremely defensive about something, or very angry about it - I'm a pretty emotionally mild person - or, at least my passionate responses are usually in line with whatever it is, like...expected and not over the top. Now, I think that there are definitely times when my reaction is "strange" for the actual encounter that I'm actually likely having EF's.

My extreme EF's and the ones that I've known for years about occur in the presence of someone hitting a child, or threatening to hit a child and it's a full on panic reaction.

My heart races.
My breathing gets shallow.
And I start crying hysterically and can't stop until it's run it's course.
I definitely want to hide, or be held.

I apparently also have this reaction when I am put in a situation with an authority figure who has any kind of control over my life or the outcome of a situation, who refuses to listen to me, or treat me as an intelligent human being. The worse it gets, the worse my reaction gets.

I'm a freezer too so I can't offer much new than what's already been discussed.
Thoughts slow down to molasses.
Stare off into space.
Need to sleep or otherwise "reboot" my brain.

When I first came here and really started thinking about my past again - I was having sort of specific "sucked back into the past" feelings, sort of lose track of where I am and what I'm doing, just a repeating thought in my head which I'm pretty sure is my IC screaming..."Not ok! Not safe! Not ok! Not safe!" So, I'm working on grounding rituals.

[Rrecovery]

Hi 

Tight shoulders and neck
Shallow breathing and unconscious breath-holding
Hyper focus on trigger
Heart palpitations
Physical illnesses - insomnia, sinus, G.I. and a really annoying phenomenon the "itchies" - in bed at night trying to sleep and there is an itch, you scratch it and instantly another pops up somewhere else... this can go on for hours and sometimes all night
- it's torture 

[Kizzie]

Fight response:  I feel this red hot anger coming over me,  "I see red" is a good description as it wells up from some place deep within me. It's different than normal (adult) anger because it is overwhelming and difficult to calm myself or think, I am just feeling the adrenalin and it's like I am an angry child who has been hurt.

The need to sleep to reboot my brain is what I do most of the time too Spryte - whether it's a freeze or fight or whatever EF.  And I do wake up feeling as though the dark clouds have passed and I am grounded again.   

[spryte]

I am finding that most of my "symptoms" of an EF are body based. Apparently, not quite ready to connect with actual feelings yet.

I'm noticing this crazy throat tightening, like you get when you're trying not to cry...except I have no desire to cry whatsoever, it's JUST in my throat, like the muscles outside the throat, not inside. It's actually pretty bad right now, kind of painful.

And I may or may not be having temperature control issues as well. I'm watching to see if this correlates, but my body temp seems to be dipping when this happens.