What do your flashbacks feel like? Part 1

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for responding, everyone. I'll keep this window open and incorporate the changes tomorrow. I think I'll also add more disclaimers that this isn't exhaustive and it's not prescriptive either, not like those lists where you have to have at least 5 of 9 symptoms. I had this sudden, horrifying mental image of someone's inner critic telling them "see? you haven't enough symptoms yet, you don't qualify!" ...

[schrödinger's cat]

Rrecovery, what's G.I.?

Here's the updated version. It's been hugely helpful to me - what everyone here said about their own symptoms made me realize that I've had panic attacks as a teenager lots of times. Without the chest pain, but the rest of it? I went through wikipedia's list of symptoms and my eyes went wider and wider. So THAT'S what all that was! I always thought it was just me being weird. But no: panic attacks. Wow. Okay.

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This is a list of possible signs that you're having a flashback. Many of these points are symptoms (panic attacks, armoured muscles, tunnel vision,...). Other things are simply just signs, maybe even coping strategies (such as seeking warmth if flashbacks always make you feel cold).

The purpose of this is to help us find out about signs of flashbacks that we've had all along, but haven't really been conscious of. Flashbacks are so overwhelming that it's not easy to have one while also monitoring yourself closely for signs and symptoms. Moreover, people around us might have shamed or blamed us for showing signs of distress, to the point where we felt obliged to be in denial about our trauma.

For this reason, we've collected as many possible symptoms as we could. Some of these are mutually exclusive, and none of us have ever experienced all of those at the same time. (Or so I hope.) This isn't a list of diagnostic criteria. It's not a tool meant to let you decide whether or not you have CPTSD. It's just there as a kind of map to our collective flashbacks, meant to help us become more aware of our own reactions. What kinds of symptoms each of us has depends on many factors - whether our trauma is somaticized or not, whether we're in touch with our feelings or have gone completely numb, whether our preferred response to crises is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, etc. Everyone's different.


EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

[schrödinger's cat]

Reading this list in one go was kind of depressing. In case anyone else feels the same, here's a photo of a baby tapir to make up for it.

[Rain]

Great job, Cat, as usual.   I think you have the makings of a future book in you, already started on the forum.  The taper baby is just what I needed.

Maybe I will get my morning coffee, sit by the heater now too.   

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks! Doing this is a bit of an emotional risk for me - it feels a bit like I'm leaning out the window a little too far. So it's a relief to know that this looks like it might be helpful. Phew.

I'm having a coffee, too. Cheers, rain.

[Rain]

Your writing skills are wonderful, but more important is the content wrapped inside your words.   I hear you on the risk, but your writing is strong.   You think about your content which shows in its depth.   It's a window worth leaning out of.

Ah, I love my java!   Cheers, Cat.   

[spryte]

I'm with Rain. I love the clear way that you convey ideas. Thank you so much for taking the time to put that together.

Also...derealization...huh. Didn't know there was a word for that experience. I've had that a lot.

[schrödinger's cat]

Me too. It got so bad during my teenage years. Everything seemed so foggy, so thinned out, so unreal, that I wondered: if I jumped out of a moving car, would anything really happen? Thank goodness I never tested this. When I read up on PTSD and stumbled upon a book on derealization, it was almost a relief to hear that no, the world isn't really like that, this is simply me being traumatized.

[Butterfly]

Excellent topic! This depth of dissecting EF never occurred to me nor the extended effect of a EF moment as in thirst and GI issues. Thanks so much!

During an obvious EF physically I shake and quake in fear but frozen to do anything or else my blood pressure sores and I feel flush, red face, heat in full fight mode. The more subtle EF is something I'm working to recognize and can only describe it as feeling off center, not on plumb, unsteady and unsure of myself. This list is great and will help me recognize the more subtle EF episodes.

There been times I've had an entire day of extreme low energy, barely getting out of bed and will need to pay attention if this follows an extreme EF episode or if maybe it itself is a different type of EF im not used to noticing. It never occurred to me those days might be actual EF periods.

Will this be in the toolbox?

PS thanks for the tapir comic relief!

[Butterfly]

Ok breakthrough moment! Yesterday had one of those extreme exhaustion days and curled up on couch watching tv all day hungry and picking on food the whole time. Thought it out and realized the trigger so yes it was a flashback day. Thanks for this insightful post! This is something I can definitely work with because when I can track back to the trigger and recognize it for what it is I can then go to the 13 steps of what to do when EF happens and work it though.

[schrödinger's cat]

Heeeey! That's brilliant!    That's the very reason I started this list, because it's just so hard sometimes to notice flashbacks. After all, during a flashback I always feel that this is what the world is like, this is the sheer objective truth, I'm finally seeing things as they truly are. So unless I've got some markers or warning signs or little red flashing lights, there's little chance I'll even notice I'm actually flashing back to something else. What everyone here said has already given me a much better understanding of things.

I typed the things you said into the old list, the one just above the photo. What you said about feeling unsteady and off centre - I'd not consciously linked that to EFs, but that's definitely there in mine, especially in the milder ones or in even the mid-size to big ones just before they get bad or just after they've ceased to be really awful.

Not sure if this will be in the toolbox. We could ask?

[Butterfly]

Today I was reading the steps to managing flashback and one of the steps included self soothing such as cuddling up with a blanket. I suppose it's a good sign when I do that because of choosing to self soothe in a healthy way.

[Badmemories]

@ schrödinger's cat

This is a great list I am going to bookmark it so when I feel bad, I can refer to it!

No one mentioned being scatterbrained. I get scatterbrained! I can't remember things I should rememeber, and just draw a blank! Sometimes when I try and post on here I have to do the copy and paste several times because I get them backwards.

keep on keeping on!

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for pointing that out, Badmemories and Butterfly. I'll paste an updated version of our list into the next post.

[schrödinger's cat]

EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.