Grand daughter and her grandmother

[Badmemories]

My daughter shares custody with her oldest daughter with her daughters father. they live in the same town as I do. Her other Grandmother spends the summer with her and part of the fall.

I had tried to spend time with her a few times this summer thinking I could FIND a normal person to be friends with... I have come to the realization that she has some issues. Npd, Odc??  I went out to lunch with her once last month and saw some problems. Yesterday we went to lunch together again. She talked and talked and rambled on about what a clean freak she is. How great of a job she was doing taking care of GD,  both times we were together we went to stores. Both times she demanded a clerk to walk her around the store and get and show her what she wanted. Both times she put food in her purse at a buffet. Rush rush... Everytime she parked far away from the door, even though she has a handicap sticker. I limp and in pain all the time. When She picked me up and to get in I had to jump over a puddle to get in and got My pants dirty

Since yesterday I am wondering what effect that she is having on GD. When I mind her she is crying a lot, hard to get along with. The 2 sisters have a tough time NOT arguing. Her granddaughter, age 7 hits My other Grand Daughter all the time. When I go to the bus stop to pick up the granddaughter I watch. the 7 year old always cries she wants to come home with me. 7 YO told me that her Grandmother threatens her and tells her Dad about how "Bad" she behaves and GD's father spanks her when he gets home??

I went to their house one day and all GM did was complain about My Daughter, and how she did not love GD. So, she puts down My daughter all the time. She keeps telling 1st GD that her Mom does not love her.  My Daughter does not have much time at the house. She works 50 miles away,and her days run from 9:00 to 2AM close. 3 days a week, and 5:00PM to 2AM 2 days a week. She also works another Job 2 times a week from 5:00 PM -1:00AM. My daughter works very hard to provide for the girls. She has never gone to social services to get any help... I know she is eligible for food stamps, and probably other things!

Part of the Girls issue is that the sisters have not really lived together and learned to be Sisters. Both of them are kind of selfish, don't like to share their toys, and both feel that their home is theirs...So when oldest GD comes over here then she does not feel at home. Oldest Gd's father does not ever take younger grandaughter to stay at his house... She is not Mine??

Younger GD's Dad is older this is his first child at 35 and he spoils GD rotten. He makes REAL good money and she has the best of everything. He doe not see her a lot but intermittently because he works in the oil field and is not around. He does take her when he can but their visits are filled with FUN THINGS. hotels with swim parks, shopping, etc. Older GD is pretty jealous about this, Her father does as much as he can, but does not have the money to compete with Younger GD's dad. He does do lots of NORMAL fun things with her..Daughter is barely making her bills, and can't makeup the difference between what the 2 fathers make.

So, MY goal in all this is that I want to teach the Girls how to get along and be real Sisters! I will have both of them for at least the next month. When I do have both of them together, there is lots of fighting... It takes me about 4 hours to get them settled and plying together nicely. I want to have some GOOD family times with them. I went to dollar store yesterday and bought games. learning stuff, and lots of hair stuff, so we can have FUN things to do together...They also are both lacking good habits related to housekeeping. messy messy... I want to work on this also.

Problems I see with each child. GD #2 5 Years old, is so spoiled that she is not pleased with the small things People do for her. She is so used to having things on a grand scale. She is selfish (having been by her self with only a adult caring for her.) I sit her a lot and she is actually quit pleasant with me. GD #1 is jealous of the things GD#2 has. Most of her things are at her Dad's house. She is a lot more busy, (ADD runs in our FOO)My D has had her assessed and DR. prescribed ADD meds for her and Father's family does not "believe in doping up a kid" She is already having problems in School related to ADD. 

So, My question... is do any of You have any advice that I can do to work on these problems. Do any of You have any take on this that would enlighten me? Any advice will be considered. I really want both of these girls to grow up to be whole people, and grow up to be a good member of society without the hang-ups and trouble I have had from MY childhood!

[Rain]

I do not know, and I look forward to reading other's advice on this, badmemories.    I can send you a hug though.   

[Kizzie]

One thing I have read in all the many self-help books I have read over the years is that children who have even one stable, loving, adult in their lives can do well as far as developing into healthy people. 

You obviously strive to be a great GM (set boundaries, connect and interact with them, let them express feelings but in a healthy manner,  show them you love them).  So my advice - keep on doing what you're doing!

[schrödinger's cat]

   I'm clean out of advice. The situation sounds so complicated, and I have no experience at all with any of those factors. Well, kids, yes, but that's as far as it goes. I'm glad though that those girls have you to think for them. You're trying to assess their situation, find out what they're lacking, and then help fix the problems. That's huge.

[keepfighting]

BM, you're a good and caring grandmother! The girls are lucky to have you in their lives! 

A few thoughts (at random - I don't have time to organize them before I type  ):

- You're responsible for the time your GDs are having with you, so concentrate on that and don't worry about the rest.

- Kids need stability, clear cut rules, love, a safe place to stay and food - and you can provide all those things for the time they are with you. Having one dependable adult in their lives will make the world of difference.

- Sisters fight - it's a natural part of finding ones place in the family and in life. That doesn't mean that they are allowed to fight dirty, to cheat, to call each other names etc - you can teach them that there are different ways of solving problems. They are still quite young so I reckon you'll have another 20 years to play referee from time to time.  (There is quite an age difference between my two DDs and they get along fine most of the time but they still fight occasionally.....)

- One nice little trick that works often to reduce fights is to give them alone time and together time when they are with you. You can for example take those lovely learning books you've just bought for your GDs and give them each a task to complete separately. After they've each completed their task and you've complimented them on their ability to solve the problem, you can then go on and do crafts together or go for a walk together or whatever you all feel like doing.


BM, the things that other grandmother said about your DD and GD! Terrible! How dare she put your DD down in front of you! Next time, tell her that you do not appreciate it if someone says horrible things in your presence about the D you love so dearly. (Or better yet, make sure there is no next time!)

Kudos to you!

[Badmemories]

Well it has been a difficult couple of weeks! I am finally seeing some improvement on the Sisterhood! The first 3-4 days all I Had was arguing! drove me crazy!! I did a lot of soothing separately alone with each girl validating their feelings. I addressed the feelings that I thought they might be feeling! I stuck with them all the time and addressed everything as it came along. 

One of the contentions was the GD1 did not have very many clothes here. She'd outgrown the clothes that D had bought for her earlier!! So I Told D, that (she thought there was many clothes for GD1 but didn't realize she had grown so much in the summer)and She went and bought GD1 some nice clothes. That has always been a contention between D's and uNPD MIL. Mil told me that All Ally needed was a back pack and she would be all set for school.  So D who has been trying to catch up on bills after her BF left her and he was paying many of the bills, Went and bought her nice clothes. She bought her a pair of Jeans that cost $100.  GD just loved that! They are so stylish with rhinestones all over! SonIL was ugly about that...she could have bought a whole wardrobe with that money! (right in front of GD1:: )  I said LOUD in front of GD Well she wants GD1 to feel important, and It was only 1 pair of jeans! The uNPD MIL had bought Ally a lot of shoes for school...I asked the Dad to bring some of them over, and he wouldn't!!   so GD wore flip flops for several days until  she could buy her a wardrobe of shoes for GD1.  Crazy people... want ALL GD1 clothes to stay at their house!  Lots of crazy making! (seems like to Me anything to make D look bad!)Then they take the nice clothes that D has bought and they never get back here! When D ask for them back they act like they didn't have them when D asks. So D is continuously buying clothes for her!    Any advice on how to handle that?? I thought about putting something on GD1 clothes that D bought.. but now many things don't have tags! So I did set a boundary on SonIL, when GD1 wore her NEW jeans I told him to be sure and pack them so they are HERE! He did...

Working HARD to teach GD2 to share... she is getting better... At that age they don't really understand economics.  Dad to # 2 makes $200,000. per year, and Dad to #1 makes about  $20,000. so this is always going to be a problem. Dad #2 did not have D until MID 30's (his only child) so the sky is the limit anything GD2 wants she only has to tell him and it is shipped to the house! I would like to discuss this with him... and really don't know how. 

This week I have been working on organizing the girls... they both just drop whatever where ever! Getting them ready for school has been really a trip! can't find shoes. Can't find brushes, etc. One day I just put the girl's hair in a pony tail because I couldn't find brushes... and I had just bought them each 1    I almost got the house organized.. and I am on to them quit a bit to put things away! I have arthritis and It has been HARD on me trying to keep up, in fact I can't! So, I am setting new rules...

Thank You for all of Your replies! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Congratulations on the sisterhood!

I'm feeling sorry for your oldest granddaughter. It's weird that her other family is making things so difficult for her - like they don't even see that they're using her in a kind of imaginary tug of war with your daughter. Not having any good clothes to wear has to sting.

[keepfighting]

Bm, I think you're a great GM to both of your GDs! You're so lucky to have one  another! 

They may forget everything you've ever told them but the feeling they get when they are with you - that they are loved and wanted and respected for who they are - is something that will stick with them forever and help them cope with all the other stuff that life may throw at them. 

[Badmemories]

I wrote:
So, MY goal in all this is that I want to teach the Girls how to get along and be real Sisters! I will have both of them for at least the next month. When I do have both of them together, there is lots of fighting... It takes me about 4 hours to get them settled and playing together nicely. I want to have some GOOD family times with them. I went to dollar store yesterday and bought games. learning stuff, and lots of hair stuff, so we can have FUN things to do together...They also are both lacking good habits related to housekeeping. messy messy... I want to work on this also.

:sunny:I have been making great improvement on this. Monday this week was the best evening ever! The girls played dolls together, writing, drawing and all the fun things. They got along so good.. I praised them up one side and down the other telling them how proud I am of them  How they are treating each other like sisters now! Most days when he Dad wants to come and pick her up she wants to stay with me! 

I have the house clean... and have been getting more results on them picking up after themselves. I have been working with them on their hygiene and they are getting better at that to! 

Today was teachers conferences. I arranged a babysitter for Both girls for a few hours so I could go... Of course I had to play games with MYSELF to get showered and cleaned up and to actually get out of the house. I wore a skirt and looked nice. I left early enough so that I could relax and not be stressed out about time.

GD#2's conference was first. We had a very good meeting and I learned about what they are trying to teach them in School. I explained to the teacher the things I have been working on and how difficult it has been but I have been seeing major improvement.

So, granddaughter #1 conference was next,so I waited and of course DAD shows up. His whole under town during the meeting was to slam DD. She has not signed up for insurance for her, and GD#! is having stomach aches!  She needs to get into a DR.  Me I said... She does not have stomach aches at my house! (I'll get back to this point later)

Then the teacher explained the grading system. It is figured out on if the child is improving, needs help etc. Many things on the first quarter are just grading as doing OK. and by the end of the year they are supposed to know a real grade. some of the things on the report card everyone automatically get a passing because they have not worked on that part yet. GD#1 is doing real good...the teacher talked about how busy she is, how hard it is for her to stay on task, how she talks out of turn sometimes..ect. He kind of skirted the issue and said "We try and NOT suggest putting KIDS on Meds..but I could tell he really thinks she does. 

I wrote:  (ADD runs in our FOO)My D has had her assessed and DR. prescribed ADD meds for her and Father's family does not "believe in doping up a kid" She is already having problems in School related to ADD. 


I start to talk about the symptoms of ADD that I see and validate what the Teacher is saying. Dad says she does not do that at MY house!  I say Well she is alone at Your house also! The whole meeting he tries to talk over me, and all the other Gaslighting things that I've been studying. I am getting madder and Madder!  I start to lose it! Another EF!  I start to breath...

Then I want the teacher to give me the log ins for GD#1's computer learning center so I can help her, and let me use My computer to let her work. D dad butts in and says I have all that!  ( I then think of all the reports on OOTF where Parents keep stuff form each other to keep control. I am thinking he is triangulating , blaming, etc. since he has not given DD or me the log-in  information)  I finally get out of the meeting He tries to take the shoes that DD bought... I take back the shoes without a word. I wrote: Then they take the nice clothes that D has bought and they never get back here! When D ask for them back they act like they didn't have them when D asks.

He grabs the folder.. I don't know why He has sat through the whole conference looking at the papers so why does HE NEED them? So I say I need to get the folder back so DD can look at it.. he says since when has she every looked at the folders? I say How do YOU KNOW IF SHE LOOKS AT THEM? Then he said well she went to Cancun last week so she only cares about having fun and not being responsible. 

Posted by: keepfighting
October 01, 2014, 11:59:51 PM
BM, the things that other grandmother said about your DD and GD! Terrible! How dare she put your DD down in front of you! Next time, tell her that you do not appreciate it if someone says horrible things in your presence about the D you love so dearly. (Or better yet, make sure there is no next time!)

Keep fighting when You mentioned this I though You are right... . Since I read that I have been ruminating (almost) on what I was going to say The next time that family talks crap about DD.

so I let it go!  I said I am tired of You putting down MY DD and especially in front of GD1. He weakly said I do not do that.. I said. Yes You do I have caught You doing it many times. YOU NEED TO STOP criticizing DD!   

Actually at that point I was Mad, but the EF was gone. We both had to leave to pick up GD's at babysitters...(please read next post on the rest of the story!)

[Badmemories]

THE REST OF THE STORY:

The child sitter that DD has has taken care of the GD's since they were born. She is great with the kids. etc. I had picked up a 50 lb bag of cat food for all the wild cats..(they follow me all over and talk to me. They have been letting me know then need more food) So I had to get the food off of the seat and open the bag and sit it on the porch for the cats. I was NOT IN a big hurry to meet DAD there so toke My time.

I get there to chat with Sitter and She reports to me that  DAD told GD#1 that she was not doing good in school and on and on and on.. basically putting her down! and LYING about What the teacher said about her! When I first hear it it I didn't have a reaction.. I got GD2in the car and then went OFF.... I lost IT!

I go home and I am trying to figure out what to do, and go around and pick-up the whole house, I am like a spinning top! Stomach aches...hum.. same problem I had with FOO when I was being abused. She does not have them with me because I am NOT emotionally abusing them!
Then I am thinking about how the meeting went.. I mean Shouldn't there be some amount of interest in the child rather than what YOU do for her and how perfect YOU are dad? 

I then could feel all the feelings GD#1 must have been feeling. I mean How will she be in school tomorrow thinking the teacher said she was doing bad etc. How will that Make her feel with her pears??

I called DD and told her what had happened and I wanted to go pick GD1 up and soothe her and tell her It was not true! That She is a bright girl.. etc.. DAD said they were already n BED.. I just feel sik for her! My heart is wounded.

I did ask sitter to please write me  a report and try and get the words together in case DD ever needs it. The thing about it is... DAD is not really GD's Dad. Daughter had a month when She got pregnant with BF1 who she had broke up with and BF2 just toke over on being the parent. I thought He was a good DAD but Now after today I do not think He is! He has no legal nor any other right except that he has PLAYED the father since before birth..

This is really messed up! I woke up tonight to the fact that GD1 is a supply for unpd grand mother and DAD!  GD1 is very stunning.. she draws attention where ever she goes. She is the life of the party like DD. Even the teacher was saying what a good ACTRESS she is!

The fog is clearing more and more every day...I thought when I first started reading on out of the fog that I was out of the fog... now I know that it was still some foggy because It sure was clear today!

Keep on keeping on!

[keepfighting]

Sheesh, bm, quite a roller coaster ride of emotions!

Great news that your two GDs are getting along so well at your house and are feeling comfortable and fine. This to me means that you're creating the kind of environment for them in which they feel safe, and loved and relaxed enough to be themselves. That's the kind of environment in which they can prosper. You're a great GM to them! 

GD#1's dad frankly sounds like a price @$$. I loved how you snatched the shoes back out of his hands straight away after he tried to take them. 

How cruel and uncaring must he be to tell his little girl that the teacher said she wasn't doing well at school. Why tell a lie just to hurt a little girl??? Poor little mite - my heart bleeds for her.

I understand why you were seething when you heard that and that you wanted to comfort her and rectify the lies. But it is essential that you do it in a way which won't hurt her even more. The hardest part will be not to talk her father down in front of her or expose him as the liar he is to her (that would bring you down to his level and that of his parents). Instead, next time you see her, tell her how smart and beautiful you think she is, how proud you are of her and of how hard she is working (positive reinforcements!) and if and when the opportunity arises to talk about the meeting with her teacher, tell her all the good things you remember the teacher telling about her, the prospects she has and how you heard only/mainly positive and encouraging things about GD#1.

Some people on her life might be harsh and judgmental towards her, but it will never be you - you'll always love her no matter what. That's probably the most powerful message you can send her. 

Kudos to you! 

[schrödinger's cat]

That sounds like a thoroughly exhausting day.    Good to hear that your GDs seem to begin to be friends. From what you wrote about the thing with the teacher, you prepared really well for this meeting - your part of it sounds so sensible and self-aware, I wish I could be like that more often. Congratulations.

And like Keepfighting said, it's funny to read how GD1's father pinched the shoes and you took them right back. Yay! 

I'm sad to hear that the poor girl might be emotionally abused. Thank goodness she has you. I've read several times here how vital it is if you have even one person who's validating and reasonable and kind. Whatever good thing we do for our children, it's never lost, even if they don't seem aware of it. That goes double for children in such a vulnerable position as your GD seems to be. That you spotted her distress at all (that she has physical symptoms of it when she's with her father) is something. So finally there's one thing CPTSD is good for - it lets us spot signs of abuse faster. You'd never have spotted this so fast if you didn't have your personal experience to back you up.

[Badmemories]

Keepfighting wrote:

But it is essential that you do it in a way which won't hurt her even more. The hardest part will be not to talk her father down in front of her or expose him as the liar he is to her (that would bring you down to his level and that of his parents). Instead, next time you see her, tell her how smart and beautiful you think she is, how proud you are of her and of how hard she is working (positive reinforcements!) and if and when the opportunity arises to talk about the meeting with her teacher, tell her all the good things you remember the teacher telling about her, the prospects she has and how you heard only/mainly positive and encouraging things about GD#1.

Keep fighting I am sooo very glad You wrote this before I saw her again! I did exactly as You said Telling her about all the NICE things her teacher told me about her. How good she was doing...etc. She did have a puzzled look on her face...and Said Dad said  I said well I did hear we have to work more on _______. You are doing so good!

One of the things the teacher said was that GD#1 is such a great actress! How he thought she could be a movie star someday because it comes so natural to her. I think she is a good actress myself... but I think It comes from unpdGma, she is very dramatic about everything!