Weekly Announcements and Reflection

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C.

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Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« on: June 15, 2015, 05:14:55 PM »
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VeryFoggy

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2015, 12:44:15 AM »
I did not know where to post this this week, so I posted here. This is actually Step 18, but I was ready.  I have done it!  I have sent my confrontation email letter to my abuser, and I have immediately arranged for my therapist to Reply All with a confirmation letter that what I was saying was all true and correct. She was awesome!

So I am free.  They really cannot even do anything to retaliate as so many people were copied? It would be obvious. So even if they decide to kill me to shut me up, they will be prosecuted.

That's how bad it was. The pain and mental warping that I survived.  That sending this letter I think of things like that. That if they kill me now?  Somebody will prosecute. I copied so many people who would avenge me. If anything happens to me now.

That's so sad. That I am worrying if somebody would kill me for talking, for telling about the abuse and how bad it really was. But that's how bad it was and that is what CPTSD has brought me to.  Being worried I will be killed for telling the truth.

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C.

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2015, 06:52:55 PM »
That's great to hear about the letter and the support you have from you T. 

I'm sorry to hear about how hurtful your FOO could be.  All the more reason for a full and complete break. 

There's a saying "mejor sola que mal acompanada" that I tell myself during my times of solitude, "better alone than in bad company."

Keep us posted w/how things go if you'd like.  I want the best for you :)

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2015, 09:30:09 PM »
So far it is going pretty good.  My NPD brother has responded to my therapist to make sure she knows that I am an alcoholic and that as such, I am a tricky manipulator and she needs to careful to not believe a word I say.  I responded to my T. that it was interesting the issue of child abuse and CPTSD were sidestepped completely and simply not addressed. And that NPD brother did not give any consideration to the fact that perhaps I drank all of those years to self medicate due to the pain from CPTSD? She agreed.

Today's fireworks include a response from my NPD sister stating that my T had maligned and slandered her to her boss (who is also our uncle), but she's not going to sue. And that she was shocked that this sordidness had been shared. This "sordidness" was based on the 30 emails from my NPD sister to me that I took to my T to look at and analyze. My NPD sister INSISTED that I take the emails to my T so that the T could point out to me the error of my ways and set me straight in my thinking. These emails included denial I had CPTSD, then denial my father was the root cause, then mocking me for having the illness. And a lot of other stuff about how much better she was than me. My T used this evidence of family dysfunction to support me.

So, so far it is going great!  I am feeling really, really, really good!  And experiencing good clean healthy anger!  No flashbacks at all!   And I am stomping around the house saying loudly, "I don't care!  I did nothing wrong! If you don't like your nastiness being publicized then maybe you should try not being nasty and cruel!"  It's awesome.

Possible fallout - My uncle will do nothing to my sister.  He knows how to separate personal stuff from business stuff.  It's a family business.  But since my dad did recently accuse his deceased father of abusing my aunt sexually, and now I am accusing him of child abuse and current day, present day cruelty and verbal abuse? It is quite likely that the quite generous contributions that my uncle has made in the past to my father's work will be discontinued.

But it is not my fault.  I did not do anything wrong.  I am the victim. All I am doing is telling everyone involved the TRUTH. And I am supported wholeheartedly and 100% by my T.  And it is awesome! I feel like I could actually start living again!

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2015, 05:38:59 PM »
Today elation is fading though not my commitment to myself that I did nothing wrong.  That remains strong and convicted.

But my dear daughter contacted me this morning with her opinion that my email  was "inappropriate" and she too started slinging the word slander around.  I asked her if she knew the definition? She said when you say something bad about someone.  I said NO!  When you say something bad about someone that is UNTRUE.  That is slander or libel. And I stand by I said nothing untrue and it is all documented. I felt sad that she could not see that these people would not leave me alone, would not stop contacting me, and that I felt like a dog backed into a corner who had been kicked one too many times. I felt I had no choice but to go public to the whole family about the abuse.

And my sister, one of my abusers, sent me a text message last night ranting about what I had done to her reputation. When my email and my therapists email both clearly said No Contact from her to me  is necessary for my healing. Just completely disregarded that request. 

But the fact is?  I have done nothing to her reputation. She did it to herself. I had nothing to do with it.

All it would have taken for any of these people who insisted on staying in my life, is to say to me:  I am sorry I have hurt you.  You did not deserve what I did to you.  I am going to make sure that I do not treat you that way anymore. That's all I wanted.

But no, they deny they did anything wrong and continue their efforts to hurt me.

And I am so, so sad that my daughter cannot seem to understand.

I did nothing wrong. I simply told the truth. So let the chips fall where they may.

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Kizzie

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2015, 05:39:21 PM »
Note I wrote this after I read your June 21st post - I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's reaction  :hug:  Perhaps you have planted a seed though VF.

Holy cow VF, I am really happy this is helping.  I felt like I wanted to turtle up just reading about all the incoming BS, never mind going through it  :spooked: But having your T in your corner makes all the difference  - I can see how powerful that has been for you 

You can be fully you now that it's all out in the open and who gives a s*** if they agree or don't, what matters is that you have finally spoken your truth. Yay  :cheer:
« Last Edit: June 22, 2015, 05:42:15 PM by Kizzie »

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C.

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2015, 08:02:15 PM »
I too am sorry about your daughter's response.  But, I did find a bit of encouragement that she was at least willing to listen to you about the term "slander." 

My own daughter has not wanted to know much or hear much about my C-PTSD or how I got it.  It pains her to think of her grandparents or father hurting me, so I think she goes to a place of denial.  I understand that, oddly, her grandparents and father are, at least, more appropriate w/her than they were w/me.  But, that's just my own experience and FOO. 

With my T. I've come to decide that in life there's sort of this scale of "give" and "take" in relationships.  I thought that all give and no take was "normal" for most of my life.  I should have had more give than take w/my childhood experience.  However, that was flipped upside down and I, as the child, was the giver while they, the caretakers, took.  Now I want reciprocal relationships w/my adult friends and family or I'd rather be alone.  But, with my kids I brought them here and for them to be healthy adults I need to give more than I receive, but only w/them.  That's my role as I see it.  Not giving up who I am, or being abused by them, but more "give" in those relationships is ok w/me.  It's not their fault I didn't get what I needed.  I need to be healthy enough to do this for them and prepared to do so forever.  My daughter is a young adult now and I have had many moments where I do "receive" a lot from her in terms of joy, listening, understanding, talking, playing, etc.  But I kind of see that as a "bonus" rather than a need from her....And as I've described my son is starting to be more of a "give" w/me rather than all "take" like it's felt for a lot of his life.

I think what I'm saying is that I hope that your daughter will come around, whatever that means for her and that you will be able to re-define your relationship w/her in a reality that now includes, as you so eloquently describe, the TRUTH.   It may take time, but from what you've described I suspect it will happen.  And I see you are being a great role model for her, your son and your grandson on seeing what relationships need to be like.  When, how or whether they understand is really yet to be seen don't you think?  I hope I'm not out of line here...not trying to be preachy or advising, just wanting to be a supportive part of your's and my recovery....

And if you cannot reconnect w/your daughter, well, you are still right.  That may not help a lot with your pain, but I hope so.  And I agree w/everything you say: You're not crazy.  Your family hurt you and they won't change or accept what they've done.  It's not your fault.

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2015, 10:58:40 PM »
Thank you so much for your responses Kizzie and C.  You are very uplifting and encouraging to my spirit.

I am still committed to being a part of my daughter's life. I told her I respected her right to have her own different opinion, and that I was sorry she could not understand why it was right for me to do this.

Amazing jaw dropping feedback from my son today.  He just said, "I think you were very brave to do that."

WOW!  High praise indeed.  I told him, "Yes, it took a great deal of courage, and I appreciate that you are able to see that.  Everything I have: this home, my retirement income, every single thing I have is built upon my integrity.  I used my integrity and my willingness to tell the truth even when it was not popular to build and advance my own career all of my life, and I do not intend to abandon my integrity at this point in time.  I will continue to trust that being truthful and honest will always be the best route."

He really listened to me, and agreed that I was doing what was best for me. It was amazing. And heartwarming! As normally he and I are butting heads over pretty much everything.

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Kizzie

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2015, 04:50:43 PM »
VF, re your son's response  - "Wow" is right  :hug: Such a lovely start to my day to read "He really listened to me"  - now that will put some joy and validation in your tank  :yes:, fuel for dealing with the rest of the your FOO.

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C.

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2015, 01:53:45 AM »
I am so heartened to hear about your son's response.  I feel like the human heart or soul or whatever you want to call it resonates w/"truth" and that part of your son seems to have been awakened by your experience.

And I hear how kind, compassionate, respectful and appropriate you are being w/your daughter.  Kudos all around! :hug:

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bee

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Re: Weekly Announcements and Reflection
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2015, 04:18:00 AM »
Very Foggy it's great to hear that you did what was right for you. What a brave and strong thing for you to do. Wonderful to hear that your son understands. Your response to others in your FOO shows your kindness and compassion. So wonderful to see such amazing progress.