It gets better then it gets worse

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flyingfree

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It gets better then it gets worse
« on: June 16, 2015, 01:11:26 AM »
My c-ptsd symptoms had eased up a bit, but now I seem to be getting 'worse' again.

A couple of things. Firstly, my PDex and I broke up around a year ago. I am NC with him, but recently he tried to contact me, yet again (he did so through an avenue I hadn't even thought of to block). It's just so frustrating...he treated me so badly, cheated on me, and made what could have been a kind-of amicable breakup into a nightmare. I just can't believe he still seems to think we can be 'friends'.

I'm having some really bad flashbacks to the emotional abuse that he inflicted on me and a lot of anger about it too. Partly angry at him, partly angry at NM because her abuse groomed me to end up with a man like that. And partly me, for being 'weak' and going back to him after we broke up due to the abuse, because I couldn't bear to be alone.

I just got a warning for calling him a name on OOTF forum, and that upset me a lot too. I feel so embarrassed about it, not realising it was a breach of guidelines. I'm just so angry at him and unfortunately I am a 'sweary' person so it just came out.

In addition to that, today I got feedback on a piece of work at my job, and I just have so much to change and fix on it. It's SO frustrating. It's just triggering my rage, and worse, that feeling that I'm useless at everything. I think I'm in a bit of an EF, one where I feel like I'm useless and can't do anything right. And while this job thing is frustrating, the level of rage I feel is off the charts about it.

I just get these feelings like, what do I do with all of this? How do I ever heal from all of this? The abuse that my NM inflicted? the consequences in the form of the relationship with my ex?

And worse, I feel like I'm behaving pathetically, like a victim. I don't want to feel this way.

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keepfighting

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Re: It gets better then it gets worse
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2015, 04:56:05 PM »
What a roller coaster ride CPTSD puts us through...  :stars:

I am very sorry that you were thrown into a bad EF after a period of feeling better. Those buggers always seem to strike out of nowhere, don't they?  :hug:

FWIW: Your ability to analyze and put into perspective your feelings of frustration and anger, and to know exactly which part contributed how much (like the warning and the job situation), where the origin of both are and why it was (multiply) triggered now is amazing. Shows how far in your recovery you've already come. Mountains behind you, mountains in front of you, but already you are better equipped to conquer the ones ahead than you were to conquer the ones behind you - yet conquer them you did.  :thumbup:

Hope you're feeling better about yourself today. You deserve it!