New to CPTSD, and happy to finally have answers, even at my age

[FredrickaGoshlox]

I'm not a kid. In fact I'm a senior citizen and my entire life has been challenging. I had an neglectful, name-calling mother who influenced my entire small family to scapegoat me and, to make things worse, got picked on at school too. So my childhood was a nightmare. My mother freely admitted she did not feel anything at all when she was pregnant or when she held me and s he used to prop my bottle because "you stuffened in my arms." Names from her followed me all my life as did depression, anxiety, panic disorder, derealization/depersonalization (thankfully these two horrible symptoms have been gone since my 20's) and my own anger issues and lack of being able to control myself during triggers, which was almost always with FOO. I am through with t hem and did manage to have a good life with a great husband and kids.

I was so hard on myself that I thought I had borderline personality disorder because, after all, I was "bad." My therapists said I was too k indhearted to have that and my siblings, especially one, continue to all me that, more as a bait then a fact. I don't' talk to her anymore. Never will. My therapists all mentioned trauma, but I was not ready to hear it, I guess. I tended to say, "No, you don't understand. My mother was a good mother. It was ME. I was a terrible kid. It was MY fault." I did not hear "But you were a kid."

Fortunately, I wanted to be better, even though I did not realize the big picture and got help for the symptoms and really did get much better. I had a few setbacks. My mother disinherited me and that hurt, not because of the money (she didn't have much), but because it is such a complete rejection.  I had to go through realizing that nobody in my FOO is really well or balanced and that it was probably good, especially for my kids, that they were not in my life. They cut ME off though, not the other way around until just recently.

Sometimes it takes 60 years. Don't let this happen to you.

Since I've been in therapy since age 23, I have many coping skills. One is to write. So here I am. It's another resource to learn (you're never too old to learn from others). I just learned, in fact, what an emotional flashback is and, because of that, I could figure out why I would lash out at my FOO and not others. The sound of t heir voices alone, any of them, are triggers. It seems just hearing them speak makes me feel small and child llike, when they get angry.

I suspect my mother was ubpd and my sister has traits too (as do I). My FOO denies mother was abusive to me. I was the scapegoat., Oh, well. I understand not wanting to think your mother was abusive/neglectful/a namecaller, especially if you were not the target. It is hurtful to think otherwise. I did break the cycle with my own kids.

I am happy I found this site. I just finished Pete Walker's wonderful book. Seemed like every page spoke to me...I guess to all of us.

Have a good day and so happy this forum exists.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for sharing - your story is so similar to mine--
I quite agree it is never too late to enhance our awareness and skills to help us get more freedom -
I too have been in therapy since early 20s but it's only recently I have connected with cptsd and it is so liberating being here with others
I wish u all best wishes  for the next phase of your recovery - it's a life times work eh ...
Glad u realised it was not your fault any of it -

[VeryFoggy]

Welcome FredrickaGoshlox!  I have a similar story to yours as well, except is was a father who was NPD.  I am 58 and was diagnosed a few months ago. And I don't lash out I freeze in terror, but everything else it the same.  Yes being able to write is a blessing.  I just completed my 971st page of a Journal I started a year ago.  It is a blessing to have somewhere to dump all of my feelings as once the dam broke there has been quite a torrent.

But being here too helps as does Outofthefog.net.  It was like getting a new family as everybody here knows exactly what you are talking about and speaks the same language and has the same feelings.  Something we have never experienced before.

I am so glad you are here and I hope you find peace and comfort on your journey.

[FredrickaGoshlox]

Thanks for t he responses!!!

I am a fawn/fight, I think, although I can also freeze under pressure. At work, I was alone in the break room and put a cup of tea in the microwave and it started sparking. Instead of getting out of there, I totally froze and stood there and do that a lot under pressure.

I hope you keep healing. I have come far from where I started, but I had to really cut out my family completely, including checking FB and anything else on the social media. Long ago, before I heard of CPTSD, I had thrown out my baby books with all the pictures of family. I thought I'd regret it but I don't. It would probably have been a trigger to see a young mother.

My dad has intimacy problems too, but he was not as abusive as my mother and most of all he has a good heart and I always knew he loved me, even if he stayed away from home as much as possible. He is old...he fought in WWII. He hates to talk about it. I wonder if he has some PTSD symptoms too. At any rate, thanks a lot for your responses and for this site. I don't feel so alone. It is hurtful when your fFOO decides you are flawed and have a personality disorder that even your therapists say you don't have.