Sick and vulnerable

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Foresaken

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Sick and vulnerable
« on: June 16, 2015, 03:02:11 PM »
Hi there,
  I've been NC with my FOO for over two years.  All that's left of that family is my raging ED/NM and her golden son, my NB. They are both cruel people, who have never been supportive.

Yet here I am, sick as a dog, and wanting to reach out to them.  I've got a herniated disc, I need surgery, and due to insurance reasons, I'm on a wait list for the procedure.  I've been disabled for eleven weeks, living on painkillers. 

I
Know this is just pain, and things could be so much worse.  It's just that I've been in so much pain for so long, that Imy resolve is getting weaker.

I'm wondering if my family knows (they do, someone contacted my brother), if NM really knows.  I know she must know, but some part of me has this fantasy that she doesn't yet.  That maybe seeing me suffer will stimulate some spark of sympathy, and she'll want to hold my hand and tell me I will be ok.  I'm tempted to reach out, to break the NC boundary I put up to protect my own three little ones.

(Possible trigger) I know NMs reaction to my condition is to say this is Gods way of punishing me for being such a * daughter (I'm not a * daughter) .  I know she's gloating. 

So please, if you're reading this, and if I'm making any sense, please talk me out of reaching out to NM & NB.  I'm so desperate for emotional support, and I'm trapped in a body that isn't working.

Thank you for your help.

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keepfighting

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Re: Sick and vulnerable
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2015, 04:37:39 PM »
Hi, Foresaken,

what a sad situation you are in. All I can give you is a cyber  :bighug: but it comes straight from my heart to you.

I am sorry you have so much pain, have to wait for surgery (which in itself is a bit unsettling) and feel lonely and vulnerable.

Do you have any sources of support other than your FOO? (They do not sound like the kind of people who have magically grown some empathy and are rushing to help and support you). FOC, supportive friends and/or neighbours, church group... something like that?

I have never been in your exact situation so I won't pretend to know how you feel. You know best why you needed the boundary of NC to protect yourself and your little ones and only you can decide in how much it is still needed to keep you (emotionally) safe.  About two years ago, I have been brought so low that I was on the brink of recontacting my FOO after 12 years of NC (nasty Ns - m, f and one sis). The moment I started to even play with that thought, I realized I needed real empathy and warmth and my FOO would never give that to me, so I recontacted my old t instead. She was warm, kind and patient and helped me through the crisis.

Sending good thoughts your way.  :hug:

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hypervigilante

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Re: Sick and vulnerable
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2015, 06:11:53 AM »
Ugh, owie!  I'm so sorry to hear you're living in such pain! You are a very strong person, and I can see that you're used to bearing a lot of pain, I feel like your herniated disc is a little dismissed.  I say, hey! That is too much pain!  Emotionally and physically, I say it is perfectly natural to feel vulnerable at a time like this.  We're social animals who reach out to one another for support - to give and receive love - it keeps us going!

I say that you're very healthy in desiring affection and love and sympathy.  What sucks is, we're usually not accustomed to receiving it in our lives.  Just because your FOO has not consistently provided you with these things does not mean that you are being unreasonable for wanting these things.

I say this from a place that gets very emotional and upset with myself when I want to reach out to my NC NF; this only ever happens when I've faced illness.  I find I punish myself more for wanting the affection than I feel for not receiving it.  Perhaps this relates to you, I felt that I could relate in some ways to what you were describing so I wanted to share.  But of course, as keepfighting said, I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel when accounting for your own uniqueness.

If you want to reach out to your NM and NB, it is a very courageous thing to do.  If you choose that this is right for you, keep love in your heart and watch Sarah Kay "If I should have a daughter" spoken word poem on Youtube.  I feel it is very encouraging when we decide that it's okay to be vulnerable. 

Play the "what if" game until the end.  "What if I contact NM and she berates me?" Ask yourself this question seriously. I can imagine an answer such as "It will hurt as it has many times before."  Then what? ".... Then I will heal from this as I have many times before."  OR "I will take a few steps back in my recovery."  Then what? "Well, eventually I'll take more steps forward. Beyond that from even before!"
Playing that game to the end is our way of reminding ourselves that even the worst scenarios will be okay if we can just imagine past the pain.



My true feeling is, Foresaken, whatever you choose to do, you will make the most of it.  You are a survivor.  You may feel the blisters of love-wounds either which way you decide, but this is a part of a growth we're undertaking for the rest of our lives!

Perhaps you feel it is important to protect yourself right now because you feel that a negative interaction with NM or NB will leave you in a state of hurt that would only capitalize on your injuries.  Don't underestimate how important that is!  Your gut feelings of protection really are trying to help.  Just stay compassionate with yourself while you come to your conclusion.  Also try to keep in mind that there are varying degrees of contact.  And if you choose to make contact of any degree, prepare yourself for any possible reactions, including no reaction. 

I believe in people and the power of change, but I don't believe we should allow ourselves to remain close with people who make us feel bad about ourselves.

What is your heart telling you? What does your gut feel right now?