Finally Getting Online Help for CPTSD

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CPTSDChild

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Finally Getting Online Help for CPTSD
« on: June 20, 2015, 07:20:10 AM »
Finally starting to deal with some of my CPTSD issues. I am in therapy and on psych meds (I'm bipolar as well).

I developed this stuff as a child. Father died when I was 6 months, mom committed suicide when I was one.

I was then adopted by a narcissist mom and enabling dad. I became the scapegoat of the family. I was the smallest, most helpless in my family of 8. I've had my soiled panties rubbed in my face as a form of toilet training. This is the hardest thing I've had to admit.

I remember mom yanking my head around by my hair, being thrown into walls, yelled at, accused of stuff I didn't do. Told me that the only reason they adopted me that no one else wanted me.

We had a nanny/live in maid when I was growing up. She knew what was going on and tried to help me the best that she could. She was paid under the table since she was receiving social security so my mom knew she wouldn't tell. If I hadn't of had this nanny, I swear I'd be such a mess.

As it is, although I use to work (I  am even a veteran), the flashbacks and my memory is so messed up, I am unable to work.

I want the flashbacks/nightmares and obsessive scenarios to stop constantly going through my head.

My family claims they did nothing wrong and say that I am making up the bad parts.

I was also bullied at school as I was the smallest (I would hardly eat and I used to pull out my hair after I got adopted) and I was very quiet and shy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and not have to worry about "next time".

I'm working on building up my self-esteem. It was fine when I was in the military. There, when somene did something wrong, we all got into trouble. No one person was singled out for verbal/emotional abuse and neglect. Even though my bio family provided a trust fund for us, my mom was unable to love.

Just trying to get going again because these flashbacks are taking days, sometimes weeks to overcome if I get triggered.

Thank you for reading this.

I was constantly on watch just to survive and not feel that adrenaline shock running through my body.

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keepfighting

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Re: Finally Getting Online Help for CPTSD
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2015, 08:08:22 PM »
Hi, CPTSDChild,

nice to meet you on this forum!  :wave:

Thank you for trusting us with your story. It is great that you have found the courage to reach out like this on an online forum and I do hope you'll find support and understanding here.

I am so sorry for all the abuse you've had to endure. It is not fair and totally undeserved. Thank heaven for the nanny/live in maid who gave you as much support as she was able to under the circumstances. She sounds like a warm and courageous woman.  :yes:

Welcome and we're very glad you're here.  :hug:

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Finally Getting Online Help for CPTSD
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2015, 10:16:25 PM »
Hello CPTSDChild and welcome!  I am so sorry you have gone through all of the horror and pain that you have, it just doesn't feel fair to have CPTSD heaped on top of that, but it is just something that just happens to our brains when there is simply too much heaped upon it to be able to tolerate one drop more. 

I felt comforted recently in a letter my T. wrote on behalf.  She said it was a natural and normal occurrence to unnatural abusive treatment.  That validated me.  I left like wow! it just could not be helped and it is through no fault of my own!  It really encouraged me, so maybe you will find some comfort in her words too.

It is a horrible feeling that adrenaline shock you describe.  Do you have doctor you can discuss some possible medication with?  When it gets so bad that it is affecting you for weeks that can really impact the quality of life you have.  I have been through a few of those weeks myself and It's pretty horrific. I am so sorry. You don't deserve that.

You will find lots to look at here that may be helpful to you on your journey and I wish you healing and comfort!