Professional Help Activity 4: Discuss and explore forgiveness w/your T.

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C.

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Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

4.   Discuss with your therapist what you think and feel about the issue of forgiveness. Explore what feels right to you and your reasons for feeling that way. Be aware that feelings about forgiveness, like any other symbol of resolution, may shift over time.

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VeryFoggy

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My understanding of forgiveness is related to the way I was raised.  And even though raised by a Narcissist I was exposed to many good people who tried to follow Christian teachings.

So, my understanding of forgiveness is that someone must want and ask for forgiveness before it can be given.  It is not possible to give someone something they have not asked for, and do not want.

This makes good sense to me. No one who has abused me wants my forgiveness.  In their minds they have done nothing wrong.  On the contrary they want ME to tell THEM I am sorry for accusing them of abusing me! And some of them say they are praying for me, and they assure me they will forgive my evil lies if I will confess and repent or get treatment.  They really wanted me to go to therapy and/or rehab, because they were all SO certain that a therapist would help me see what was wrong with ME and how right they have always been.

Unfortunately that has COMPLETELY backfired for them. I walked into my therapist's office, on day one, a complete basket case with their story. The story was: I cannot get along with a single person I am close to.  They all want me to come and get therapy, so here I am.  And I am about to crack up from the stress of trying SO very hard and still failing. I have read over 20 books, I have tried multiple techniques, I have studied for a year and I have done nothing but try and it is getting worse! The harder I try?  The worse it gets.  And that was a very good day.  She had me breathing again by the end of an hour, and hearing notes of music, and birds singing, and I was able to cry for hours.

So I have compassion on my good days for their inability to understand how messed up they are.  I think this forgiveness stuff and the guilt that is heaped upon people for not forgiving is pretty much a bunch of hogwash, and it is NOT biblical if you study it at all.

And I repeat:  You CANNOT give someone something that they have not asked for and do not want.  It will NOT be accepted.

Instead I have asked for and given myself forgiveness for all the wrong things I have done, mainly to ME for going along with all of their lies all of my life.  All of these years. Because I do want it.  I want my forgiveness.  I am so sorry for all the wrongs I have done to me. How I almost killed me for them. And I know that is not what the gift of life was given to me for. To kill myself just because I cannot stand the pain others are heaping upon me. That is NOT what my gift was given to me to do.

Compassion is about as far as I am willing to go.  But every single person has been told.  The door is open.  All you need to do is apologize for the behavior, ask for my forgiveness, and vow to do better going forward.  Just commit to try.

So far I have not gotten any takers. But I am finding that a lot more are signing up to aid in abusing me, and to attempt to assist in shutting me up!  :)

« Last Edit: June 27, 2015, 02:40:13 AM by VeryFoggy »

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bee

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So, my understanding of forgiveness is that someone must want and ask for forgiveness before it can be given.  It is not possible to give someone something they have not asked for, and do not want.

I like this clarification VeryFoggy.
I really resent the implication that is often made. The one that says that you are a bad person if you can not forgive. But the catch 22 is you can't forgive until you are asked to. I will never be able to forgive my M, because she will never be able to ask for it.

But, I am forgiving myself. In retrospect I can see that most of my EMDR work is about forgiving myself. Letting go of my guilt that I should have done or said something different. Accepting that I was powerless at the time. I think that forgiving myself is the important part.

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Kizzie

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I have to agree, my NPD FOO would scratch their heads in absoute confusion or fly into an N rage if I ever even mentioned forgiveness (not that I would) because they do not view themselves as ever having done anything wrong.

They never saw the abuse and never will. Very hard pill to swallow but once I did, the issue of forgiveness became moot.