Professional Activity 2: Discuss how & whether to confront your abusers w/your T

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C.

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2.   If you wrote answers to the questions posed in Self-Help item 3 (above) in your journal, discuss them with your therapist. Together you may be able to reach a conclusion, based on your writings, doubts, feelings, hopes and expectations.

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VeryFoggy

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 All I can say after having done this and confronted?  You had better be feeling pretty darn good about yourself and your decisions and what happened 

I just got off the phone with someone who I thought would be in my corner, but no, he is saying just like the rest it was "inappropriate."

Wow!  Inappropriate. For me to confront my abusers.  And the present day abuse is dismissed,  Irrelevant.  I am an adult and I should be able to put up with it.  Tolerate it.  If I am a REAL adult.

Really?  Really?

So I am supposed to just mouse down and just shield myself as best I can, and tolerate it in the present day? For what purpose?  For what reason?  So I can have a relationship with a--holes who treat me like crap? I don't think so.

So I just lost my last brother.  The last one who I thought would understand .  He told me point blank he is worried about his employer finding out what I have said as he is concerned it may affect his employment opportunities.  The fact that I was abused and talked about it would reflect negatively on him.

Wow.  Just wow.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2015, 05:10:01 AM by VeryFoggy »

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C.

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When my ex really upped his behavior to be abusive to me and I became aware of historical emotional/physical abuse by him towards our kids I told people who I thought would be supportive and understand.  Instead they withdrew from me for a couple of years, or permanently.  One was blatantly negative w/me.  I remember a friend telling me that a common family response to addressing the abuse is to blame the victim.  It's ironic, bizarre, unfair, sad, and true....

The weird thing is that knowing that "blame" towards me is a sign that the abuse really was true b/c that's the "common" response validate things really.  Like someone yelling "I'm not angry!!!!" when obviously they are.  Saying "YOU weren't abused!!!!  Inappropriate!!!!" psychologically proves the truth of your experience an appropriateness of speaking up.

Maybe a blanket statement like "Blaming the victim and calling her statements of her experience inappropriate are common responses in abusive families.  You are proving my point now." would put them in their place....maybe not...just a thought...

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Kizzie

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Wow is right VF, I am so sorry you are going through so much rejection and a veritable pile on by FOO.  C's idea might be worth trying, if nothing else it reiterates that you will not be moved off point with your FOO. 

I think I mentioned this in another post but a pdoc once told me that effectively I had taken the family picture down off the wall and smashed it and of course people were not going to like that. Those who have PDs cannot see their behaviour and went into smear campaign mode, and those who don't have a PD don't want their families (such as they are) disrupted, threatened and went along with the campaign.  It really is a big sticky web and if you didn't get off of it you would have eventually been eaten - not much choice there unfortunately. 

I'm not sure what else to say other than keep coming here for support and validation.   :hug:

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VeryFoggy

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Thank you all for YOUR support it means a lot. Unfortunately my last remaining brother that I feel I lost last night would not even retain a statement that he had just proved my point.  I am pretty sure he was drunk. As that is his way of dealing with his pain. There was a lot of screaming and arguing last night.  On both our parts.

He would not listen to my point of view and I had to repeatedly say, "May I finish my sentence please?"

All my life as far back as I can remember he has always called me crying and asking me to tell him what to do to fix his life.  He says he just wants to be happy and free. So I have always made suggestions like therapy, books and of course the forums. But he always says that's too hard, and so, he sits there drinking and waiting for happiness to fall into his lap. He just wants it to "happen."

I have amazing respect for people on this forum who realize it will not just "happen."  That if we want different lives we have to work for it, and struggle, and learn and change. That we all deeply "get" that we were poisoned, and that we must now, through no fault of our own, still, if we want to be happy, then we must purge ourselves of the impurities that were instilled into us when we had no ability to make a choice.

I did write a letter to my uncle today, who is also my sister's employer. She has been one of my main abusers since I left the FOO. But I told my uncle that I found myself in the strange position of beseeching him to continue, as he always had, to be a practical man and to separate business matters, from family matters, and to not hold my accusations against my sister professionally. He was included in my confrontation letter for many reasons, but it was not for revenge or retaliation. It was simply information and the truth.  Maybe my letter will resolve what people are calling my inappropriateness. But my uncle was always going to find out anyway, as my aunt would have told him.

I don't know.  I am just looking forward quite desperately to talking to my T. tomorrow. I was in EF for much of the day, and at one point considered calling my doctor for an emergency Valium prescription.  But I managed to calm myself by just being very kind to me.  And did some push ups and swam some laps and read some fiction, and just soaked up the sun. And enjoyed my safe place. I am constantly grateful that I had the foresight to provide myself with a beautiful safe place of refuge before the storm hit. It's almost like I knew something really bad was coming and I built a refuge to protect me. I am so grateful for what I have, and the calm and peace it brings me.

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Kizzie

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I was in EF for much of the day, and at one point considered calling my doctor for an emergency Valium prescription.  But I managed to calm myself by just being very kind to me.  And did some push ups and swam some laps and read some fiction, and just soaked up the sun. And enjoyed my safe place. I am constantly grateful that I had the foresight to provide myself with a beautiful safe place of refuge before the storm hit. It's almost like I knew something really bad was coming and I built a refuge to protect me. I am so grateful for what I have, and the calm and peace it brings me.

Yay you, no really  :applause: and  :hug: 

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VeryFoggy

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Thanks for the hugs Kizzie. I wish sometimes I could meet you IRL. And all of you. I wish I could hug every single one of you. I can't do the emoticons and I don't know why?  But thank you so much. Mind is buzzing and T is totally on board, keeps saying keep going, you are doing the right thing, they are nuts.. It's just so HARD to be SO alone.

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bee

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VeryFoggy,
I'm sorry you are experiencing another loss.

You are right to be proud of yourself. Proud that you know to take care of yourself, that you prepared a safe place, and that you took the time to actually care for you.

:hug:

You are an amazing person.
Sending you thoughts of peace and calm.

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VeryFoggy

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Wow!  Thank you Bee!  That made me feel awesome, like, "Yeah, I am taking care of myself and I am doing a pretty good job!" Thank you!

It is the complete stripping away of illusions that is so terribly painful. You have to look at all of the lies you told yourself in order to maintain all of these relationships. And that is very hard to see.  What you did, what your part was. How many lies you were willing to tell yourself to keep any small piece of love. Or what appeared to be love.

But my self love is growing by the day.  I know who and what I am and I am not who these people think I am.  Since I am pretty articulate (you can laugh here) I know it was not from a lack of trying to tell them who I am.  It really is their lack of an ability to see who I am.

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Kizzie

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Yes, I'm afraid it's just cyber hugs for now  :hug:   I must confess that way in the back of my mind I envision a glimmer of some kind of conference or retreat or even vacation together (screw the work, just have fun) some day.  Not at all sure if that will ever happen but I love the idea of it.  :sunny:

Anyway, emoticons - you should see a row of them above the box when you write a post.  Just click on whichever one you want and it will insert it wherever your cursor is blinking in the box.  There are additional smileys if you click on "More."  Good luck , if you tackled your FOO you can do this no sweat lol  :yes:

 

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VeryFoggy

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Kizzie - This is a test to see if I can get an emoticon to work for me.

 :doh:

Wow!  All of this time I thought they did not work because when I clicked on them I only saw the words...

 :doh:
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 06:48:06 PM by VeryFoggy »

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C.

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I like the retreat idea Kizzie.

VF - Hahaha  ;D  You did it! :party:
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 07:16:15 PM by C. »

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Kizzie

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Ah see, no sweat you can tackle anything now VF :cheer:   All kinds of good ones for your journey right now

:sharkbait:   :fallingbricks:   :blowup:


Are the little guys us partying at a retreat C lol?  I like it  :yes: 

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C.

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Yep, at least we can have a little virtual retreat every once in a while at the moment  ;D