Self Help Activity 2: Write letters to abusers and review them

  • 5 Replies
  • 723 Views
*

C.

  • Member
  • 1029
  • Learning from reciprocity as I heal from CPTSD.
    • View Profile
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

2.   Write some letters to your parents/abusers in your journal and then reread them a few weeks later. This will help you to develop your sense of what you may someday want to say to them. These letters are a "working statement" of your message to your parents/abusers and may evolve over time until such time as you decide whether to confront them.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 7334
    • View Profile
Re: Self Help Activity 2: Write letters to abusers and review them
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2015, 06:20:54 PM »
I know this can be really therapeutic in that you are giving voice to your pain, but I find exercises like this make me depressed almost. My FOO are broken and have little or no ability to connect or empathize with anyone so it is an exercise in futility. They just would not get it, they would feel attacked (it's always all about them) and that just brings it all back for me that they were not, are not and never will be there for me.  And that makes me really sad and angry. 

I don't need for them to hear me any more, they just can't.  I need to hear me, love me, support me and validate me.  And I need to find healthy people who can do that for me and me for them.

Not to discourage anyone from doing this, I do think it helps  to tap into the anger, to give voice to all that you feel and to the longing about what you needed and wanted and deserved. I'm just at a stage where I know I deserved much, much better but will never get that, and I have confronted my FOO and gone NC/LC.

*

VeryFoggy

  • Member
  • 278
    • View Profile
Re: Self Help Activity 2: Write letters to abusers and review them
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2015, 04:41:58 AM »
Kizzie, I think that is a tremendous amount of pain to swallow, almost beyond human. To say to yourself they are broken and cannot understand. Okay they cannot understand. But you did not understand either. 

WHY they felt like they had the right to abuse you.

Why they did not treat you as a gift? A special gift they were blessed to have in their lives?

So why, my question is why, do you have to be the one to suck it up now?

If they cannot understand and you cannot understand then what do you have to lose by telling the truth?

My truth telling has been very revealing.  People I thought would be on my side were not.

I really do know where I stand though. It is stark and not pleasant, but I really do know where I stand.

And I think I needed to know that whether unpleasant or not.
 


*

VeryFoggy

  • Member
  • 278
    • View Profile
Re: Self Help Activity 2: Write letters to abusers and review them
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2015, 05:53:27 PM »
Below please find today's hindsight letter to my abusers.  I awoke this morning with conviction, maybe for the FIRST time EVER!  That I am just fine the way I am.  That there is nothing wrong with me, and I am quite fine and quite loveable just as I am.  This was NOT an intellectual exercise.  This was a feeling in my heart when I awoke after tossing and turning with dreams all night that people don't have the right to be "shoulding" me as I call it.  And I am just fine just the way I am.

Dear Family of Origin,

I have come to the realization that I have sinned against myself and you.  I have sinned against myself and you by trying all of my life to force each and every one of you to accept me as I am.  And no one can “make” anyone do anything. Ever.

Regardless of this very true TRUTH, that you cannot make anyone do anything, I STILL stuck around for 42 more years.  FORTY TWO YEARS!  Trying to make each one of you see who I really am and to even, maybe, actually, like me. Or dare I say it?  Perhaps even love me.

And that was very, very wrong.  I have in hindsight decided, that I made the right decision 42 years ago when I left home for the first time.  I should have left and STAYED gone.  Giving all of you the first 16 years of my life was enough. Enough time for you to decide if you could see me, hear me, and understand me.  And none of you could.  So I left.

But I made a mistake.  A very large mistake.  Because of my kind and loving heart, I let each one of you back into my life, and I kept trying to prove to each one of you who and what I really am.  And you cannot see.  There is something wrong with every single one of you, and I do not know what it is but you are blind.

None of you can see me.  And you will never be able to see me. Not because there is something wrong with me?  It is because there is something wrong with you.

And my sin was to try for 42 more years to try to force you to see me, and in the process of this attempt to manifest myself, and to show you who I am, I allowed myself to be kicked like a worthless, mangy  dog, over, and over, and over again. And still did not walk away.  No, I still hung in there grimly, hanging on, fighting, and not willing to give up.  Because if I gave up, it felt like I would be giving up on me, because I believed the lie, “Your family is supposed to love you.”  So I kept on trying. I wanted so badly for you to love me and accept me just as I am, and not as you would wish me to be. I believed the lie: That you were my family, and you were supposed to love me just as I am right?  But none of you can do it. Not a single one of you can do it.

I have seen the light.

So I am leaving for good, for real this time, no joking around, it is really over this time. And I have discovered I don’t need you to love me, or like me, or to even try to just get along with me.

Because I like me, I love me, and I accept me. And if you cannot?  Due to something being wired wrong in your brains?  That is NOT my fault.  And I must walk away, and stop trying to make people who cannot see me, or love me, or accept me, see me, or love me, or accept me.  It is impossible.

My bonus parting gift that I take on my journey is CPTSD. None of you will ever understand what it cost me to keep up that fight, all of these years, and to keep trying to make you see.  None of you will ever understand the almost unendurable pain I have had to endure to try to maintain these relationships with you.

So I will always have CPTSD.  But as long as I stay away from people like you?  I will be fine.  I have learned an awful lot over the last year and a half about people like you, and I can recognize them from a mile away now.  They are pretty easy to spot once you know what to look for.

And I will NOT make the mistake ever again of trying to force someone who is incapable of love and acceptance, to love me and accept me.

I will simply make an observation, ”Oh, you’re one of those, and I know this doesn’t work, so I will not waste my time.” And I will move on.

Prayerfully, joyfully, happily, thankfully, gratefully I can also see, and know, that most people are not like you.  And I can also see that the only reason I chased people like you to try to make them love me?  Is because that is what I was taught.  I was taught this is what love looks like.  So that is what I blindly chased for 58 years. Others who looked and acted like you.

But, no more!  All of the people I was afraid of, and the type of people I would not look to for love and acceptance and caring?  Are actually the very ones I needed to be pursuing.  Because those people are actually capable. Of love, caring and acceptance.

Simply amazing!

And the way to tell is very, very simple.  If people don’t act like they love you?  They don’t love you.

So goodbye, and I will pray for you.

Love Very Foggy

*

C.

  • Member
  • 1029
  • Learning from reciprocity as I heal from CPTSD.
    • View Profile
Re: Self Help Activity 2: Write letters to abusers and review them
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2015, 06:01:53 PM »
Very well said VF.  I am so happy to hear you felt that wonderful peace in your heart this morning.  And to see the closure that you bring to your experience.  Thank you.  And you are right.  There are people out there who can and will love and accept you as you are. :hug:

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 7334
    • View Profile
Re: Self Help Activity 2: Write letters to abusers and review them
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2015, 05:21:03 PM »
I have seen the light.

So I am leaving for good, for real this time, no joking around, it is really over this time. And I have discovered I don’t need you to love me, or like me, or to even try to just get along with me.

Because I like me, I love me, and I accept me. And if you cannot?  Due to something being wired wrong in your brains?  That is NOT my fault.  And I must walk away, and stop trying to make people who cannot see me, or love me, or accept me, see me, or love me, or accept me.  It is impossible.

My bonus parting gift that I take on my journey is CPTSD. None of you will ever understand what it cost me to keep up that fight, all of these years, and to keep trying to make you see.  None of you will ever understand the almost unendurable pain I have had to endure to try to maintain these relationships with you.


I have seen the light too VF.  I guess that's what I was trying to say about there not being any point (for me) to confront my FOO directly, except to invite more of the same pain they rained down upon me for years.  I don't want to go through it and am not even sure I could, but I understand your need to and the benefits you are reaping from doing so.  In the end we are both choosing to live by stepping away - finally.  Like you I should have done it years ago but at least I have done it now and love that I feel like I can finally breathe.

I'm not sure I was entirely clear about why the idea of a letter or confrontation makes me angry and sad. I don't think I'm sucking the anger up, I just don't want to revisit or reignite any of it. I was very angry for a long time and working through  that was what gave me the strength to finally go NC/LC.  It was this feeling one day of of enough is enough, I will not put myself back in a situation where I will feel that anger (or fear or depression), because I cannot and will not go through that ever again. 

So, it's the thought of revisiting all of that makes me angry and sad because there is no point any more, and knowing there is no point makes me angry and sad if that makes sense  :stars:  . Been there, done that, like you it's time to move away and stay away from all their triggering behaviour.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 05:27:29 PM by Kizzie »