Creativity...

[woodsgnome]

My journey with cptsd has been agonizing, yet I've often wondered how it affects creativity--writing, music, performance arts, crafts, etc. I can easily find footprints of my pain, anger, grief, and more all over my trail to and within various creative fields. From being an actor to writing to teaching in a unique manner, I wonder how the talents I was lucky enough to share may have stemmed, for good or ill, from that heavy overlay of depression.

I certainly don't consider myself grateful for that stuff. Hearing some even refer to the "gifts" of cptsd annoys me. And sure, I naturally tend to dwell on the negativity of my "freeze-style" (per Pete Walker's description) but forget all about the freezer's positive traits. Still, I'll never bless the "good fortune" of my trip through * as the grand cause of a creative life. And I don't foresee myself being ready to forgive my gift-givers either. Those parts I don't care about; just wondering how others on this forum might feel about the cptsd/creativity connection, if any.

Enough of my prattle, though--what led to my wondering was the following quote and questions from "The Writer's Roadmap" on  http://lauradavis.net/

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"The artist is extremely lucky who is presented with the worst possible ordeal which will not actually kill him. At that point, he's in business."

--John Berryman
   
Today's Writing Prompt:

What do you think of Berryman's idea? If you've experienced trauma in your life, do you think it's fueled your creativity? Has it given you important material for your creative work? Has it fueled your desire to express yourself in writing or has it been an impediment? Do you believe that suffering is essential to creativity? Why or why not?     

[fairyslipper]

This is such an interesting question. My gut level response is my art saved me. Period. I have been creative as far back as I can remember. Musical instruments, writing, drawing, clay, photography....anything and everything. I think it is my life force  and had I not had it to retreat to and lose myself in, I honestly don't know what would have happened to me.

I remember spending hours in my room drawing and writing. I thought I was good too. I got to meet a local artist I admired when I was in my early 20's and felt thrilled and recharged by the experience.......my art gave me confidence and courage.   Interestingly enough my family tried to steal that from me. I never drew "that" well. I played my instruments "ok" Well somewhere inside of me thank God, I guess I knew better. I started hiding my drawings. Fast forward to young adulthood and I was told I played at a college level just a couple months after learning the flute. I went on to sell my mediocre art work etc. Creativity was my anchor. My mom especially tried to completely squash that within me. I feel the cptsd has nothing to do with my talent.......in my situation.........my art tends to be happy and dramatic (color-wise) I love drawing portraits and really focus on the eyes and the hair when I am doing women's faces. The windows to the soul and I love long hair and was always made to keep mine short.......until I moved out  It has been very long since then. I think the long hair in my drawings anyway symbolizes a free spirit. So in that sense maybe the cptsd DOES have something to do with it. My art leans toward freedom. I got deeply into photography two years ago and really enjoy doing up close work......capturing the minute details and beauty in all of creation. That to me is about freedom too. So wow, maybe, then!!!

I did have one trauma in my life that definitely fueled my creativity. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 9 years ago. My mom is also a cancer survivor.......I think the not knowing how long I would be here really ramped up this feeling of 'I need to do/learn this now' So for a year starting during the time I was going through radiation, I drew.....and drew and drew. I had never mastered realistic looking faces before that and just played a lot with animation. Well I did it! 3-5 hours every single night after everyone was in bed I got my sketch pad out and drew faces until I felt like I had conquered that. So in that sense yes. But before that, I was just so happy to have my art as a safe place to go during all the craziness at home. It has been ever-present in my life and I am now 54.

I can tell when I am going through a super deep depression, bad or overwhelming time with all of this stuff because that will cause all the creativity to dry up. Those times can scare me. I have been getting better at riding them out and realizing it can just be part of the process for me and it will come back. But I do feel scared when it happens because it is almost like I have lost my best friend for that time.

Wow, can't wait to see the other comments. Thank you for an extremely thought provoking thread.

[coda]

Whenever I read about a renowned artist's immense suffering, and so many geniuses have suffered so horribly, it's like being tossed a life preserver. An affirmation that this small life of mine may yet have some meaning. Surely if their pain could become art, if their cruel and ridiculous fates could mutate into something universally understood, even beautiful, then there's hope. I always knew whatever talent I had was the one true thing about me. I could screw up everything else (and did), I could feel apart, adrift, uncertain, self-loathing, incomplete and utterly incompetent at society (even as I charmed and served my way through it)...yet alone, doing what I do best, I am finally myself, and free. It's been my refuge and savior for as long as I can remember. Only grim, unrelenting depression can dampen that single flickering light.

I'm not convinced pain is a prerequisite. But vision is, and empathy, and insight, and a certain ability to be and stand alone, apart. There's no doubt that artists are born not raised, but being raised in a healthy, supportive environment must be such an advantage to any fledgling...or adult for that matter. To those of us who have always gone it alone, art is our one true warm friend and mirror.

[Dutch Uncle]

"The artist is extremely lucky who is presented with the worst possible ordeal which will not actually kill him. At that point, he's in business."

--John Berryman
   
Today's Writing Prompt:

What do you think of Berryman's idea? If you've experienced trauma in your life, do you think it's fueled your creativity? Has it given you important material for your creative work? Has it fueled your desire to express yourself in writing or has it been an impediment? Do you believe that suffering is essential to creativity? Why or why not?   

I don't know Jerry Berryman, so the following stamen/reaction is purely a reaction to his quote:
I think Jerry Berryman's "worst ordeal" is probably something I learned to shrug of when I was 4. Mind you, that's what Jerry Berryman probably IMAGINES as his worst possible ordeal. I DID shrug it off at 4, after experiencing it.


But lets analyze this with a bit of fact.
1) Did the (vast) majority of artist suffer such a great deal?
2) And if so: did they get 'into business' as a result?

I don't think so, but I don't have any numbers to back it up.
I simply googled "top 10 painters of all time" and the first hit was this:
http://www.biographyonline.net/artists/top-10-painters.html

• Leonardo da Vinci. I'm not going to delve into that. That guy didn't suffer a great deal, and if he did, it was because what he 'invented'/dicovered/painted. Not the other way around. So I'd say: NO.
• Vincent van Gogh. The guy suffered, yes. The letters he send to his brother are testamount to it. He possibly could have suffered a lot less, if he had painted 'for the public' (besides his own 'private' paintings). His brother (an art salesman) could have easily provided Vincent with a steady income through this crappy artwork. Instead he (=brother) still did that to the best of his abilities, taking money from his commission on selling work of other artist who 'painted for public'. Vincent died poor and in an asylum, and none of his work made any money while he was alive (mostly because he wouldn't let his brother sell any!!!). Nor any of his direct family for that matter. So much for "being in business". mr. Berryman.
• Rembrandt. Died a poor man, despite him being a VERY successful painter in his age. He had a whole 'business' around him, employed many other painters and today the experts are still arguing about which Rembrandt is genuine. That is not because of all the fakes, but because there are so many paintings to which Rembrandt 'only' designed the brilliant layout and then 'just' put the finishing touch on the almost finished end-product. Rembrandt did not have any particular disturbing things happen to him before he created his craft. (and certainly not so in relation to his contemporaries)
• Michelangelo. Not a particularly misfortunate guy either. Most of his stuff is biblical anyway, I don't see why one has to suffer exceptionally to beautifully paint/sculpt biblical themes.
• Claude Monet. This guy actually had quite an upsetting life. Did well in through his art. A point for mr. Berryman. Although none of Monet's art is distressing at all. Unless you can't stand daisies, that is.
• Pablo Picasso. The guy was raised a painter, for crying out loud. I think that disqualifies him for mr. Berryman's 'trait'
• Raphael. Another son of a painter, with a position at a princely court this time! Yep, must have suffered greatly when growing up or during his career… NOT!
• Auguste Renoir. Not a live full of "worst ordeals" that I'm aware of.
• Jan Vermeer. You guessed it: son of an art tradesman. Married into a wealthy family to boot. That was about the greatest upset in his life. Sorry mr. Berryman.
• Paul Cezanne. Bit of a bumpy road with mom and dad, but inherited a fortune after all, after which he could do what he wanted. Pretty nice art for a basically stress-free life

Now, these guys are all long dead, let's take a look at a modern artist.
Jeff Koons.
I know nothing of his biography, but I know enough of his 'art' that it is ALL ABOUT BUSINESS. If Jeff has suffered anything, he is making it up by cashing $$$, NOT by making art. The guy is a salesman, or has a salesman hired to sell his pranks.
About two decades ago I was at the opening of one of his exhibits (he wasn't there) and this was the period he was 'married' to the italian pornstar/politician Cicciolina. In the exhibit was a Larger Than Life statue of them copulating, and one of the walls of the hall was covered with an even more so Larger Than Life Action Picture (The Three (IIRC) Basketballs Floating in Water, and the Hoover where also there). All the high-brow Society was there nodding and talking seriously about the art. I had a good laugh, as I actually wondered what the art exhibit actually was at the time: Koons 'art' or the idiots who pretended they were not looking at porn at the time. (the space around the Floating Basketballs was suspiciously empty, I can assure ya'll). This was at the National Modern Art-Gallery/Museum folks!


I'm sorry if this has turned into a bit of a rant, but I'm so sure that creativity and misery have nothing to do with each other.
One can be very creative with or without "worst ordeals", and one can suffer the worst ordeals and never get any creativity out of it. The latter category obviously doesn't get noticed, even IF they became very creative, but never found any recognition for it.
Like Van Gogh.

To end this rant with an upbeat note:
If you are creative, there is no need to 'thank' your suffering for it.
And if you are not creative (like me), there's no need to blame your suffering for it, nor do you have to think: "damn, after so much suffering, I'm also not creative to boot. What the * is wrong with me!"

Peace, ya'll.
Hysperger.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I put down my creativity when I was a teen and took up addictions -- age 37 I got sober and wam bam my creativity exploded. It was as if a force above gave me gifts and I was able to paint spiritual art - I couldn't believe what was coming out of the pencil and brush ...

I. Hindsight I would have liked to go to art school instead I chose helping professions -

I am glad of the gift of creativity and I very much enjoy the mindfulness it brings
My only challenge now is allowing myself the space to play

[FredrickaGoshlox]

The only positive trait my mother ever agreed I had was being creative and writing saved my life. I still like to write, but most of my stories are dark about tortured souls. I still feel that helps me and I like to post on forums too with people who understand.

I wonder if being creative makes us vulnerable. Many creative types are very sensitive, and that is a trait that predators use to pick somebody to bully. My entire family of origin bullied me. So did the kids at school. Heck, my sister and brother still think I wasn't abused, but that I was the abuser. Right. An infant and young child and minor teen are great at abusing. But it did continuing long afterward.

Of course I was least favored and most vulnerable.

Do you people also feel creative people are more apt to be scapegoats?

[Boatsetsailrose]

That's good to hear southbound re your degree --
Luckily I found an area of nursing my heart is in --
Yep addictions suck
...

Creativity is such a joy in life

[woodsgnome]

Creativity isn't a rare gift conferred on only a few. It's just an expression we all have access to. It's something we do everyday, whether it's merely to struggle with pain or wonder where to turn or what we can do about something, or go back to bed. Regardless, we react to life in a myriad of ways—all of them we must create in some way or another.

Rich, poor, educated or no, it's something that everyone does; some celebrate it, some are afraid of the scorn and ridicule it might bring them. It's often hard; at other times it flows from somewhere deep within that no creative art could ever explain.

Everyone on this site is creative, whether they share a lot, a little, now and then, or not at all. The difference is we've all made the choice to acknowledge that we need help, want to share experiences, or at least read about other people's walk with this. We're curious enough to do that, because we want something to hope for. Nobody asked for this, but we're reacting as best we can...and that's creative, by anyone's definition.

That by itself doesn't make anyone uniquely gifted. Perhaps you're the only one who will ever see your art, hear your music or read your writing. Fact is, many of us were taunted, ridiculed, beaten, and ignored when we tried to express anything that we felt was beautiful or just reflected the smallest joy. To call that a fantastic gift can seem a bit far-fetched. Still, if someone truly feels that way, is that a problem? Given the choice to undergo the events that led us here is pretty obvious—we didn't want it and would never willingly submit to undergo it again. And if we express it in a way called creative, who cares what it's called if it helps us out of our pain?

Was any of the earlier path creative? No—it was just awful. It caused us to hide, cry, cringe, rage, give up, and all that brought us to this point. Only now do some of us find it's even safe to reach out for, and share the love we feel stirring within. Not special; but universal, and we deserve to share, whether we call it creative or not.

The creative act is always just to react to what life is, and when we create we can veer in any direction we have. Sometimes those choices are limited, but many of us choose (often bravely) to seek beauty. It's never because of our hurt, but it's our glorious star, and it guides us to have hope, finding a joy we can finally feel free to be proud of.

The quote that writer Laura Davis chose to include, on the writing prompt submitted earlier on this thread, was from the poet John Berryman. What she didn't mention is the irony; that despite the acclaim he achieved in the mid-20th century, he never fully escaped his own demons, and fell victim to suicide in 1972.

[Dutch Uncle]

Well said, woodsgnome.

[thegirlintheattic]

Creativity is definitely something that has helped me!

When I was a kid I decided I needed to become an actress.  I learned a lot and finally had a place (the theater) that I could call "home".  Looking back, I can see how resourceful I was to find a place where I could play act the developmental steps that usually happen in intimate, loving, family relationships and that lead to the creation of a healthy identity! I mean, it was more of a band-aid than a substitution, but it helped me greatly to learn about intersubjectivity in that way.  I can only imagine how much more wounded I'd be if I hadn't had acting.  There's a chance I never would have learned empathy.  And so I'm CPTSD instead of NPD!  Yay!   

[seriousann333]

Being creative saved me for sure. It was one of few things I could control in my life. My creative world was made by me, it was my refuge from chronic criticism and pervasive yet feable attempts to change who I am. I pretended to fall in line to survive. I was agreeable and pretended to be a good little girl in order to avoid abuse. But inside I was stubborn and refused to conform. My creativity helped me remain resilient and preserve my identity.

[tired]

For me it seems to block me.  I get immediately triggered when I start. Without a good understanding of what I'm trying to express, and without the discipline to do the tasks involved, the creative thoughts remain in my head. Occasionally with enough Ritalin I move forward with more focus and less hesitation but it's not the norm.

[Multicolour]

I don't think the abuse or the C-PTSD caused any of my creativity, but I think creativity helps with the trauma.

I think that the more 'interesting' your life is then perhaps the more you have to express. But this doesn't mean you can or will express it creatively. I do think that being creative is very helpful to us with C-PTSD in particular, I think it can be all sorts of things: It can help us express feelings safely and without 'thinking' getting in the way. Craft can be soothing and calming. Art Therapy can be really helpful for trauma survivors. Truth-telling with writing can be really important.

[seriousann333]

Multicolor
My life has definitely been enriched by art ever since I was a young girl. When I was 6 I saw a therapist that gave me clay to express my feelings. It was an amazing experience for me. I have never stopped journaling or making art pieces. I chose a career as an art therapist because the creative arts saved me from self destruction. I love my work. I have had the privilege of working with traumatized veterans and women suffering from trauma and substance abuse. I currently work with teens who have been traumatized.
Take care
Seriousann333

[Multicolour]

Seriousann333,
That's so great, I think art therapy can really help in ways that talk therapy can't. You take care too.