Staying in contact with abusive and neglectful parents (possible trigger)

[stillhere]

Triggerd2, your story would sound bizarre, I think, to anyone unfamiliar with NPD and the manipulative behavior we have to deal with.  "Normal" people don't make such strange claims.

Your father seems to be doing something familiar to me:  throwing up examples of people who "have it worse" in an effort to shame you for your "problems" and deflect attention from his own behavior.  In my FOO, this kind of denial came from both my uNPD mother and my enabling father.  Neither of them showed any empathy and instead trivialized any of my (sometimes admittedly childish) concerns.  And the denial and deflection opened a space for my mother to exert her narcissistic needs. 

That seems to be what's happening to you.  Can you limit contact, now that the surgery(ies) is over?  Is distance possible?

[tiggerd2]

Actually, it now, I have no idea what. My dad was diagnosed with Bladder cancer for the 2nd time.  He had surgery and is not doing well at all. My mom has shut down. He is to begin treatments shortly although he is now weaker. I'm now dealing with the probability of my dad's death within 6 months-- I pray not.

Speaking with my psych MD, I finally realized and got it through my head he is a 'wounded NP'. He's like the person in the middle of the ocean who can't swim and would grab onto anyone around.
I was able to put boundaries down. I flat out told him what he was doing. I told him he was pitting my sisters against each other so he could feel "safe". Yes he kicked into shame (real shame) - I told him to open his eyes and look at me. I told him kicking into shame won't help anyone. I know he will probably panic and play the game again but now I will step back.

I emailed the only sib who will read my emails without deleting them 1st. Actually I only have 2 sisters. I have no aunts, uncles, cousins- my parents were only children. I tried to give a bit of information. We spoke because my mom called my sister while I was there. She explained her side- what she did, what she wanted. I told her I was happy I found out because dad said this----------------. I said I was sorry for automatically believing what my parents said and didn't check it out with her.
I'm learning I sort of really like her. She remembers things I blocked. I feel like a child wanting to curl up next to her and cry. That would be incredibly unhealthy for me. I worshiped her while I grew up.
No matter what I say about how controlling and bitchy she is, she is THE person I would do about anything to receive acceptance.
I am an emotional wreck. Between my surgery, pain, fear, no one to talk to except my parents, my dad's surgery, his pain, his issues, my parent's crisis and everything else- I feel raw and exposed. I am more sensitive, having more flashbacks, decreased sleep because of remembering my past.
It will get better. I know I am not as exposed as I feel I am. I'm taking steps to get more sleep tonight.

[Annegirl]

Trig2 I commend you. I know it is v hard what you are going through. But i see such strength in you through your story. You are one courageous person. 

[Only mom]

 :stars:my 21 yr old son may have some of this...he's very selfish, makes few promises and usually breaks those. Narcissistic and entitled but it isn't normal.  I tell myself it's a phase. He makes me feel like I'm the cause - blames me for reacting to his hurtful actions and AWFUL things he says. His dad is huge disappointment, so I did 99% parenting. So is this something I did wrong? Did I give him too much love and attention? Is that even possible? He has best of everything, then abuses me the next day! How do I live with or without my only child?  I do a lot of crying, which never helps! I'm devastated. I pray he outgrows this. Immature hippocampus? Friends just judge me and I feel so, so alone.