Rudderless adult

[Kubali]

Hi there

I read in Pete Walker's book that children who's will and sense of self were cruelly crushed can become rudderless and aimless as adults.

I think this applies to me as I don't seem to have any motivation any more. For decades I was motivated to escape the abuse. Now that I have gained my freedom I don't seem to know what to do with it. I have CPTSD. I am a housewife. All my children are grown and left home.

There seems to be a frightening absense of meaning and purpose to my life. Just an immense amount of empty space stretching out in front of me. I am unable to work because I'm too ill and I have isolated myself over the years. I'm NC with my entire FOO

Feeling bleak

[woodsgnome]

I'm often in a similar boat, if I think about it rationally. And when I stop over-thinking what seems to be a rotten state, I reach a blank spot where, as you said, there's "Just an immense amount of empty space".

When I draw aside the bleakness, and let the murky Inner Critic's cruel judgements fade, then I ask myself: does it all need filling? Maybe that empty space was precisely what I needed after endless years of so much inner struggle and endless searching for answers that only receded further out of reach.

I realize that sounds terribly idealistic, and is different from the societal norm of making life into one of consistent meaning and forward progress. For me the empty space became the very meaning and purpose, as it was where I found the most peace, which became the only goal once I accepted the futility of all those other voices telling me I needed something solid, not empty space. 

The real consistency is always forgetting that peace—within 15 minutes I can become that rudderless and aimless adult Walker describes. The last few days have followed that pattern--horrible moments of hopelessness, with no friends to turn to, emotional flashbacks threatening to smash my hard-won progress. Loneliness presses in on all sides. Failure.

Somehow, maybe stupidly, I know the peace is in the empty space—it never leaves, as it has no place to go. Today my mood is better, and sadly the feeling may be temporary; it usually is. But the truth of peace isn't; its mysterious presence is like an enclosed candle lantern, and when I can open it, the light is still there.

What I had to do was alter my view, and the empty space didn't seem so scary. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but it's where my comfort was. I hope your bleakness doesn't close that window of peace. Purpose and meaning shift, but one can simply return to the true peace that doesn't require a searchlight; only a candle.

[Kizzie]

I think that sense of emptiness, of being lost or rudderless makes perfect sense given we were so focused on surviving for so long.  We can't know at first how to fill up all the space that took, because it really is new for many of us. 

That emptiness scared me as well so I started trying to get my IC to come out and have some fun to see if I could fill the space up a bit.  It seems to be working.  I don't feel that empty space with the same kind dread as I once did, instead it's like a whole new area of me to pile in some of the good stuff I missed.  It took time to see it that way though, my IC was really cautious and we didn't quite know what was fun so it was trial and error and reassurance until it started to kick in.

So FWIW, enticing your IC out with the promise of some fun might help.   

[Kubali]

Thank you guys for your input. It's so valuable having an alternative viewpoint. I have sometimes linked these feelings of emptiness to grief. I'm beginning to recognise that my IC has lots of things to 'say'. I think she slows me right down in that I get enormously fatigued. It's as if she thinks "You're not listening" then the empty feelings come. I guess it's her way of getting my attention so that she can 'speak'

The last time it was unbearable. I had a painful grief-stricken month. Eventually a small voice said"I feel rejected"

It's so sad isn't it? I'm trying now to listen to my feelings more. At least on a deeper level. One positive thing about CPTSD is that it does give us a lot of insight.