Hi I am new here

[ET]

Hi there 

I was diagnosed with c-ptsd and happy to find this platform.
It is nice to know that I am not alone with the symptoms.

[Rain]

Hi ET!   Welcome to the OOTS forum.

And yes, you are not alone.   There are actually a ton of people with CPTSD, and they simply do not know it.

Please do read through the "Welcome" above the "Introductions."   I am fairly new here myself, but it is a warm and friendly forum with everyone on the path to healing.

I am glad you are joining us.     

Rain

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi ET, pleased to meet you. I hope you'll like it here.

[ET]

Thank you for the friendly wellcome.
I always thought that what happend to me left no damage but some how it did.
I spend my first two years of my Life in an orphanage. I was then adopted
but my adoptive mother would have been happier without me and my adoptive
father who wanted me in the family became alcoholic which did not really
help our family life. After leaving the family things were going well.
The Symptomen of c PTSD were there but since I always had
them I thought it was normal. With time they were no longer so strong.
Till 9 years ago when my husband began to drink a lot and began to become
aggressive verbally and physically . 5 years ago when I no longer could
take it ( especially in the interest of my daughter) I got separated.
2 months later he commited suicide blaming me for it.
All this made my symptomes appear again quite strong ( causing me to lose
my job).
In my outer life I have managed to get back on my feet but my inner life
is quite a mess. So it is comforting to know my symptoms are not because
I am crazy but they are due to the c PTSD I have.

[Rain]

Oh, ET ...I am glad you are here at the forum, in a safe supportive place.  Are you working with a therapist at this time?  Do you have a "family of choice" (FOC) ...friends, etc. to also support you?   How is your daughter doing?

You do not need me to tell you that you have had a tough Journey.   I am sorry for your many, deep, and varied losses, which does potentially add up to CPTSD.   Hard to imagine not coming out of that without "wounds."

You most likely had quite normal reactions to many abnormal situations.   No, not crazy ...you are surviving, hopefully moving to thriving in your life.

Have you read, or heard of Pete Walker's book, CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving?   It is a roadmap many of us use here.   His web site, www.pete-walker.com also has many articles (which are also in the book) to assist you.

Welcome again, ET!   

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh wow. I'm so sorry to hear this. You had such a hard time of it. Kudos to you for taking such a difficult step in the interests of your daughter.

The Symptomen of c PTSD were there but since I always had them I thought it was normal.

Same here. I was really glad when I realized I had CPTSD, for that very reason. Always having to assume that this is what the world is like, and this is what I'm like, that was the pits. It seemed so unshiftable. But CPTSD can be finagled to where you can lead a good, rich life. Or so I'm told. It does get better, I think.

[Rrecovery]

Hi ET and welcome 

My heart goes out to you for all the trauma and suffering you have endured.  A friend of mine spent the first two years of life in an orphanage - she was able to do inner-child work around her infancy and the healing she experienced was remarkable.  I'm glad you are here.  I hope you find comfort and healing. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome ET, glad you found your way to us and I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. 

It is somewhat of a relief to know that what we are feeling and how we behave is due to CPTSD rather than that we are somehow defective or crazy or broken in some way.  CPTSD is an injury that is treatable and that is hopeful I totally agree. 

[ET]

Thanks for all the sympathy 
To your question Rain:  I am in Therapie again.  I was at the age of 16 already
in treatment against the will of my mother she found that there was no reason
to go get help so I went without her knowing and I think it saved my life.
But what was really hard was that the inner child got very very attached to the therapist
when I had to leave  to do my studies 250 km away it really really hurt.
Since then I tried to avoid to get help it was to scary and painfull but when that happend
with my husband I know all alone it would be very hard. But it is scary because the inner child
got attached again.

I am really happy that my daughter is doing good, the first 2 years she was always scared that something could Happen to me. But with therapie she got over it. Due to the fact that she had
no good relationship with her father she does not miss him. We are a good Team together.

I have been very lucky and found a very nice and new partner.
But to your question Rain: I have a great daughter and kind partner.
But already since very small I am unable to tell people what is not okay.
It is to scary and it would be very difficult to explain. The active part is scared
that the inner parts would interfere which they do during therapie but there it is okay.
But it would not be good if they start interfering in my activ live to often ( they do from time to time
and I try my best that no one notices)
It feels like being an imposter but for the moment I am not able to do otherwise.

It feels good to be able to write all this down to people who can understand thank you.
Rain thanks for the information about the book I will try an get it.

Take care
ET

[Rain]

Thank you for sharing, ET.   What a Journey you have had.

I am glad you are in therapy now for the direct guidance.   How lovely your daughter is recovering, and that you have a new partner.

Isn't it good to write it down and share?   As to what you wrote on feeling like an imposter, there is a "Does anyone else feel like an 'imposter' sometimes?" topic that keepfighting started in the "CPTSD - General Discussion" which you might want to read.

Please feel free to post and share.   Again, welcome to the OOTS forum.

[JoannaSunshine]

I am new to the group too ET. Glad to see all these newcomers, and that this group is continually very active! Living with CPTSD is hard, but it's a little easier with support, in real life and online. Glad you are here.

[schrödinger's cat]

ET, glad to hear that things got better for you. I agree, sometimes we have to just choose the lesser of two evils. Recovery takes time.

I'm beginning to suspect that most of us spend SO much energy simply coping with their symptoms and with normal life. So it's not like we've got these ginormous reserves of energy left. I know that I personally get stressed and burnt out quite quickly these days. It would surprise me if I were alone in this. And tackling some of the bigger problems in one go is risky. If we fail, or if we have flashback, that drains us of energy - energy we don't really have. Then what? Not that we should NEVER take risks, just - if people choose to take it slow, I can really relate.I had a time when I wanted to fix everything NOW NOW NOW, but then that only burnt me out. When I gave myself permission to pick my battles and tackle only a few things in bitesize chunks, my life got so much better. True, sometimes we need to tackle our problems in a flying leap - but kind of sidling up to them and gently nudging at them, that's also a valid strategy. The wisdom probably lies in knowing when to do what. But I've heard and read several times now that we have an instinctive knowledge of this.

So I think you should give yourself credit for listening to your inner voice. 

[ET]

Hi Thank for all your responses and encouragement
and advise 
It feels good to be here 
Take care
ET

[Badmemories]

You got some very NICE replies.. so I do not have much to say..I just wanted to tell You I had 2 brothers who committed suicide so I understand that component of YOUR PAIN!

[Knewit714]

Hi you cannot know what it means to find this forum. I have had treatment resistant major depression for 14 years, but from the start I insisted I was also suffering from PTSD. NO ONE WOULD LISTEN. Tonight I was up all night and found my diagnosis: abandonment depression with c-ptsd. Happy to meet you all 😊