Trees - Thank you so much for the response and for sharing so much. I really appreciate you doing that and it helped a lot. You definitely dotted all the i's and crossed all of the t's for me, and hit all the nails on the head. You confirm my suspicions of WHY. I think my T sees me continuing to falter, to occasionally go over to what I call the dark side, and to start defending my abusers occasionally even now after all I know, I still slip up. So it is probably what I suspect, that she wants to rip the veil as I called it, and expose it in all of its horror and ugliness.
I did a little research, and found out I was doing some things that were not normal for my age. I will discuss these with her and see what she says. And now, after a couple of days to let it sink in, even though I don't remember, it's quite, quite possible there was something, maybe even only one time. And I have a pretty good idea of what happened, if it happened, due to some other things I do know and remember. Certain things that terrified me later.
I find myself at this time strangely pragmatic about it. I am probably numb. If it happened. I don't have a lot of feelings about it, just deep sadness and compassion for my little self, and also for my older self that struggled so much with this issue all of my life. I've always "known" there was something "off" about me that way, so it makes total sense.
Thank you Kizzie as always for your heartwarming words and staunch support of me. I do trust my T. Implicitly. So I am going to continue to do so at this time. I was just upset, and needed to vent, and you all really are the only ones I have to talk to about such things. Thank you for that privilege.
C. I did not remember that I did not remember being 4 until later, after I got home from the session. So that can't be discussed until next time. Also she is having her gallbladder removed today! So that is the reason for the long gap in time between visits. This woman has treated me when she has been on her deathbed sick at our session time before last, and she has come to my home and treated me for free several times, so I am, I do have great faith in her and what she is doing. So I will continue to trust her until it feels plain wrong. Unfortunately it does not feel plain wrong. It feels plain right.
I was upset at first that she told me that? But like I said after thinking it over a couple of days, it sure does make sense. I have feelings that you may or may not relate to? But to me it will feel like a Rubik's cube clicks into place, or I put the last piece of a puzzle together, or I fit a key in the lock and all of the tumblers turn. And things become sharp and clear and I "understand" something I have never understood. And unfortunately this is one of those moments that even if I don't remember? It sure does make a lot of sense.
Thank you for your kind words and for calling me dedicated and an inspiration. A lot of times I feel silly about stuff I post and most of it is TOO long.

But it is wonderful to have a place to share it where I will not be ridiculed, or argued with about what I really felt, or thought or should have done. I mentioned in another post once, that it feels like I throw myself out there into space, like body surfing at a concert, hoping someone will catch me and you all always do. So thank you all for that. And for your kind words and for caring. It means so much to me!
