Dating...

[CPTSDChild]

I was wondering if anyone else had trouble meeting someone new and dating?

I've met someone through a dating site...yes, I know, trying to be careful. I can't help but feel every day that maybe I'm being scammed somehow? I feel downright paranoid. Everything I hear from her I study to see if she is being honest. I have access to her fb and have heard horror stories about people that get scammed over the internet.

Her fb really looks legit. The only thing is that her phone number is listed in a completely different state than we are in. She says that her daughter and her have the same phone plan and it works out better financially for the both of them. I did a reverse phone lookup and found that the number belonged to a different lady.

I haven't met this person yet of course. If I can't seem to trust anyone, how can I meet someone? What steps can I take to prove or disprove that this person is real?

[Kizzie]

Hi CPTSDChild - It's a good thing to be careful, but I know what you're saying about being too careful.  I'm sure if you Google internet safety or something along those lines you'll find a lot of info about this (finding out if they're for real or not; setting up a safe meeting, that kind of thing). 

Good luck and stay safe 

[jessetwigg]

Hi CPTSDChild

I totally understand how your feeling. Its super hard to try and see through that thick fog of distrust, kinda makes everything blurry.
Anyway, it is possible you're being scammed, of course it always will be a possibility.
It is also possible that she is just a concerned as you are and doesn't want you to have her real number.
If you want to meet face to face it's a good idea to take along a friend, she can do the same and just have a chilled out session meeting each other. Go watch a funny movie or sit in the park or something. Just try not to meet up alone with her, she will be thinking the same thing.

I hope it all works out well for you.
If you get overwhelmed and can't think properly I find it helps to step away and do some breathing exercises for a couple minutes. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Good luck
BlackPanther

[mourningdove]

CPTSDChild,

I would recommend meeting in a public place the first time, maybe for a meal or a coffee. If you are looking for more than an online relationship, I would recommend doing this as soon as possible. Then you will not only be able to verify some things about her, but you will also be able to tell if there is chemistry between the two of you and you will be able to see how she behaves in person. It could end up very awkward and upsetting if you start building a romantic relationship on the internet and phone only to have it all fall apart when you meet because of some really obvious incompatibility. That happened to me once, unfortunately, and it was awful.

I also once met someone on a dating site and it turned into a four year relationship, so these things can work out. On the other hand, people can claim anything on the internet, so your skepticism is healthy.

The phone issue isn't clear to me. When you looked up the phone number, did it belong to a name other than this lady's daughter's name? That would be a big red flag, assuming that the directory is current. Having said that, I've personally been on a friends and family plan in a different state, so I know that people do that sometimes.

Good luck. 

[CPTSDChild]

Oh boy! I finally met the gal to see if she was real. She was real. Invited her to go swimming (and stay away from inside my apartment). As she drove over, there was a storm coming in so we didn't go swimming.

I won't go into details here, but the general outcome of the date was horrible and triggering. I met a very sick woman and felt triggered by her aggressiveness, rudeness, and downright mean spirit.

The date only lasted about 2 hours as I had to tell her to leave. She brought wine which is okay, but then pulled out a pipe and some weed. In my dating profile, I wrote that I didn't want to date anyone who does illegal drugs. She explained that "everyone does it". I told her I didn't. She stated that she knew that from my profile and explained that the reason she listed herself as a non-drinker or recreational drug user was because she didn't want someone she dated doing these things. Doesn't make any sense. I got really uneasy. I felt like I was in her apartment instead of mine and she had not even been there for an hour. I started to feel real panicky because these things happened in my childhood. My abuser did this to me. Would just run over my boundaries until I gave in.

The best thing to happen that night was that after she drank the whole bottle of wine she brought herself (and she gave me a hard time for not drinking any), she said she needed to go get more wine. As she left down the stairs I waited until she got to her car and I leaned over the railing of my balcony and said, you know, this is not working out for me, please don't come back. I don't know where I got the guts to say that, but I did it! Boy was she mad, I didn't stick around to hear the nasty words she began to yell at me... I did here here her car door slam and screech out of the parking lot.

Although, I came inside, locked all the windows and doors, curled up into a ball shaking like a leaf. I did some breathing exercises, wrote in my journal. I went to my safety plan if I ever got this triggered. That helped a lot. The one thing that stuck out in my safety plan was that I was no longer dependent upon an abuser, I was an adult now. It still took me a couple of days to release the trigger, the feelings, and the ghost-like imprint I had in my head.

A few years ago, I might have just played it off as just her being a little aggressive and that everything that was abusive (she said some stuff that made me feel bad about myself, heck, it would have even made someone without CPTSD feel bad, or at least angry).

But I think back to before my recovery... I remember blaming myself for other's bad behavior. I probably would have continued the relationship years ago. I would have bent over backward to gain this person's approval. I would have done stuff for her that I would have hated myself for doing.

I am so glad I have this place to come to and share. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for reading this.

[Dutch Uncle]

She stated that she knew that from my profile and explained that the reason she listed herself as a non-drinker or recreational drug user was because she didn't want someone she dated doing these things. Doesn't make any sense.

That is a big red flag. Well spotted. What a mean thing of her to do. She thrashed your boundaries intentionally. What a bummer.

As she left down the stairs I waited until she got to her car and I leaned over the railing of my balcony and said, you know, this is not working out for me, please don't come back. I don't know where I got the guts to say that, but I did it!

Awesome! Well done!

I went to my safety plan if I ever got this triggered. That helped a lot.

What an awesome thing to have. And I'm so glad it helped you, that it payed off to have one. Congrats.

I am so glad I have this place to come to and share. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for reading this.

Thanks so much for sharing.
This is an empowering story.

and 

[mourningdove]

CPTSDChild,

Your blind date sounds like it was truly awful, but the way you were able to end the situation and to go directly to your safety plan is really impressive and inspiring!