Messed-Up Me

[Southbound]

No "remove topic" button. No "modify" on my Self-destructiveness thread. What the * do I have to do to stop being !Watched?



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Big Brother may be watching all of us. I know for a fact that Little Sister is watching me!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you southbound for sharing
Yes it's a long journey for many and many hurdles to face
Sounds good that u now are ok where u live and have done well at university

For me it's still relationships that are an issue and last therapist said that tends to be the hardest area to change -- but I continue to work on my internals ...

I am pretty much nc too

For me my biggest help and recovery has been 12 step programmes and I wanted to share about a fellowship called ACOA - adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families -
It is a 12 step programme for survivors of any dysfunctional family --
People go into recovery at all ages and make good progress with there internal and spiritual growth to live a more content and fulfilling life both internal and external

Just thought I'd share
Best wishes
I know what u mean about not having the energy and I truly see that other people have been the answer to me feeling motivated

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS Southbound. 

Like many of us here I see you come from a PD FOO and from the sounds of it developed CPTSD as a result.  You are in good company here in that regard     Have you been to our sister site Out of the Fog?  I ask because it helped me enormously and others here too, so if you haven't you may want to have a look as there's a wealth of info and support there for identifying and managing PD behaviour

Here our focus is on our recovery and what we are dealing with so you'll see a lot on various symptoms such as emotional flashbacks and dissociation, and strategies for self-care.  There's a glossary at the top of the page along with a list of acronyms that is helpful for figuring the lingo and terms relating to CPTSD.  You seem to have a good grasp of those relating to PD which is great given a lot of us here deal with the "gifts" of PD FOO.

Anyway, glad you found your way here and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask. 

[VeryFoggy]

Welcome Southbound! And for sharing so much of your history and story. I am so sorry that life is so vey hard right now. It's hard enough having CPTSD, but to also be facing financial difficulties too is quite the struggle.  So you are very brave to do so, and hat's off to you!  And for your continuing your education, if for no other reason than the sharing of ideas.  That is a wonderful thing you are doing for yourself. And for fighting for justice for your property!

One thing you said struck me deeply and I would like to comment on it. I too am the Scapegoat.  You said your T said to you:

"You keep referring to yourself as the scapegoat, the truthteller. Do you understand that your family members each have a different truth about what went on?"

I am not sure your T realizes that all of your family probably views you the same way as you do?  As the Scapegoat and the truthteller?

Because I know in my family they sure do.  I had opportunity to discuss this specific subject with my NPD GC sis recently before I finally went no contact, and she absolutely 100% agreed I was the scapegoat, and they absolutely really did blame me for everything wrong with the FOO.  So sure, they have their own truth of being Lost Child or Enabler or GC, or whatever.  But they also know exactly who I am too, and they expected me to continue to carry the load. And to make their lives easier!

So, I have really upset the apple cart, not only by leaving my position as Scapegoat and going No Contact , but also by telling the truth too one last time before I left.  And it was a not a truth that could be distorted by one's position in the FOO hierarchy. And the truth is: I was abused.  The truth is I have CPTSD.  The truth is my NPD dad gave me CPTSD. And nobody can really argue with that.

Except, oddly enough they all did, but in funny NPD ways.

The NPD GC sis argued I did not have the right to share my truth, because it was shared with a family member who also was their employer.  Shrug.  Not my problem.  You are the one who abused me.  It's not my problem if that impacts your employment (It won't).

The NPD Bro argued I was just a devious, manipulative, lying conniver because I was an alcoholic and an addict, and had simply fooled the therapist.  No doubt he was smoking a joint while he typed.  Um, PTSD symptoms do not look like alcoholism symptoms? But hey, let's don't let facts get in the way!

The Lost Child Bro was just terrified that I was going to contact their employer about my abuse... and jeopardize their future opportunities for employment due to the scaremongering of NPD GC  sis.  What???  Is your employer my relative?  No?  Okay you're safe. 

Just weirdness.

Anyway welcome fellow writer of long posts!  I am sure glad you are here, and I hope you find it helpful and healing!

[Kizzie]

It's okay, isn't it? We're not forcing anyone to read our long posts!

Sorry to be the "wet blanket" here, but actually we do have a guideline about this.  Please see the section on "Flooding" in our Member Guidelines (top of the page).  Tks!