"you need to get over it..."

Started by findingmyhome, July 01, 2015, 12:13:07 PM

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findingmyhome

I know many of us have experienced the "you need to get over it..."  from supposed friends.

My manager's mother passed away two weeks ago.

He has a bad relationship with his mother and younger sister (just like me)

Last week I gave him a supportive hug and he started talking about it.

He then mentioned the name of his sister......   Which is the same name as my abusive sister.   

I recoiled at the sound of her name.  ( Between h and I we have a nickname for her which is much easier).

I said "OMG that is the name of my sister" and I showed him how my hand was shaking.  I then tried to say the name myself to get used to it.

He said something about "you need to get over it.."


I found myself JADEing as in "it was just recently I realized "I" am not the abuser but the abused....." etc etc.

So we are now on week two since his mother died.  He comes in late then takes off with a lame excuse and disappears for the rest of the day.  He is "tired" and everyone is so sad for his loss. 

There I am running the store alone ....  I am sorry for his loss too, but as he says

" YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT!!!!!"     ;)

Had to get this out in a place where people understand....

jessetwigg

Everything you said is totally justified and a perfectly fine way to feels about it.
Just letting you know that

findingmyhome


no_more_fear

findingmyhome, never feel like you should 'just get over it'.  I'm all  :pissed: right now! It's a narrow-minded and severly unempathetic thing to say. What we suffered is not something we will ever, 'just get over'. It's something that will always be there for us, it just may be slightly diminished in advanced recovery, if you know what I mean, but still always there. What I'm trying to say is that I completely understand why you posted what you did and feel the way that you do. I really hope it helped to get it out.  :hug:

woodsgnome

I've spent decades wishing I could "get over it". At times I naively believed that maybe I could. Taken literally, that saying can add yet another layer of guilt on top of whatever else one is "not getting over". It suggests that the recipient  must indeed be incompetent, defective, and inferior, not one's fellow human being with real feelings.

"Getting over it" is irrational; it only sounds good, and seems safe, I guess. It's an easy-answer stab at phony empathy but can unknowingly inflict more damage. Obviously we try to claw our way back as best we can, and we grudgingly try to accept what we can't truly change. This stuff was deeply implanted and can't just be shrugged off. Not acknowledging the pain can throw one into denial, creating still more problems.

You don't need to just "get over it". You need a  :hug:

tired

Yes and their reasons were because they wanted me to do something for them .  I do have one friend when says "figure out what you need " because he can't have a relationship with me if I don't get better . But in that case it motivates me to get better for the sake of another person who needs me. Not just people who want me to go to their party and entertain them.

chairmanmeow

When people marginalize its infuriating. Personally I remind myself that the human experience is not allways something thats universal, and most people are less aware of their own mechanisms then we who suffer anxiety disorders. "Get over it" totally discounts that part of taking personal accountability for ones own health means acknowledging and having to re experience events thats others simply cope by "getting over it" just by glossing over lesser events in their own lifes. This sort of coping style of repression comes apart on a person given enough time or misfortune and doesnt acknowledge or process emotions or events. And worst such a style just opens the door to being run by ones past vs being the master of ones future. Truly taking care of yourself can be hard dont let those who dont yet know how to condescend and make you feel lesser, for they are on a path to greater suffering if they dont watch out.

tired

In my experience that statement has been hostile when directed at me. It's been a demand, an ultimatum that I should no longer talk about my problems or else.  An accusation, that I'm making excuses and being lazy and this is affecting people around me.  When you tell someone they are making excuses you're basically accusing them of lying.  For example, I had a friend who ranted at me when I didn't go to her party.  I said, if you think I'm just making excuses, then what do you really think is the reason?  She said I'm ignoring my friends and I said why do you think I would I do that?  This disarmed her and she apologized but the next day was back at it. It's like she had no sense of how to talk to me.

Most of the time I think the person saying this to me doesn't have a full awareness of why they say it.  Because it's just a knee jerk reaction.  Somehow it has become ok socially to treat people this way.  Just one of those things I guess. 

Our culture encourages us to repress emotions and look for quick fixes and mock people who do things differently.  If I want to socialize at all, I have to go out to eat and I have to participate in an environment where it's a good idea to indulge in immediate gratification.  If I don't drink and eat very little and order a hot water after dinner which is my habit, I'm looked at like I'm nuts. If I say I need to be home by 8 people laugh at me.  If I say I need to get home to help my daughter with her schoolwork I'm told to ignore her and let her do it herself because after all I deserve to have fun and snap out of my funk. When in fact, a source of depression for me is being a bad mother.  Staying out and "having fun" is not actually fun for me. 

arpy1

people often feel so uncomfortable when someone isn't like them, doesn't act like them, enjoy what they enjoy, and so on. 

i think that the 'just get over it' school of thought is just code for 'i don't know how to handle how you are, you are reminding me of the things i hide inside me that no one must ever know'

My brother is one such, and his fear of my difference from him caused him to show a viciousness towards me that totally shocked me.

do these people not think that if we could just 'get over' our stuff, we would not have already done so? of course not. they dare not look at their own.

rant over  ???

Dutch Uncle

Quote from: arpy1 on September 15, 2015, 08:02:10 PM
do these people not think that if we could just 'get over' our stuff, we would not have already done so?
It's amazing how these people think judge, isn't it?

It's the same people who don't understand that you call in sick when you have the flu.
Because they "never do that". When they have the common cold.
They never had the flu, because when they had they still talk about it as the "one time I almost kicked the bucket" and I really couldn't go to work/school/whatever.

A bunch of  :pissed: , that's what they are.